hey guys , sorry I disappeared for a bit. I'll be busy with National Writing Month this November, so I won't be active with the Sims for a while. But I look forward to still checking in with all your stories.
@pupshadow22 Regarding our running story of the week rotation. Your story is next on the list for discussion starting on the 30th. Considering you are going to be busy would you prefer we postpone your turn until later or would you like to try and participate in the discussions as scheduled next week?
With the lack of response I am planning to make the call to postpone the story of the week period for @pupshadow22 . To make up for the delay pupshadow's story can in turn have priority the week after pupshadow's return.
With the lack of response I am planning to make the call to postpone the story of the week period for @pupshadow22 . To make up for the delay pupshadow's story can in turn have priority the week after pupshadow's return.
1. What do you think of the characters in the story? Favorite? Least favorite? Ones you wish had more development?
2. How do you feel the balance between dark and serious and lighthearted family life is with the story? Does one overpower the other or does one feel out of place?
3. What scenes did you like the most? What scenes did you like the least?
4. How well did you feel the opening chapter set up the story?
5. What are your thoughts on the lore the story has tried to present? Does it feel like a believable world?
6. How do you feel the stories pacing has been overall? Slow? Fast?
7. Did you have a favorite quote from the story? If so what?
8. Is there anything you think could be improved?
9. Have any plot points left you confused or moments you felt weren't adequately explained?
@AuroraLockwood I'm getting started on reading chapters 10-19. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I put off reading stuff so I can have more time to focus on my own projects. I'm terrible, aren't I?
@AuroraLockwood I'm getting started on reading chapters 10-19. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I put off reading stuff so I can have more time to focus on my own projects. I'm terrible, aren't I?
@15aewar No worries, I think most people are like that. They focus on getting their own story work taken care of and then focus on reading afterwards.
Story of the Week Questions: @AuroraLockwood Answers in the spoiler.
1. What do you think of the characters in the story? Favorite? Least favorite? Ones you wish had more development?
So far, my favorite character is Kai. I like smart alecks in stories.
I dislike the Countess, but not just because she's supposed to be the villain. I don't buy her motivations. Why would she try to keep everyone's soul and keep them trapped if that is what she hated about becoming a vampire? When she was turned, someone took away her ability choose a life for herself; to pursue her own happiness, as Thomas Jefferson would say. Why is she doing the same to other vampires? If all the other vampires were born that way, then they didn't get to choose that life, either. Noelle's motivations come off as good ol' power grabbing, to me.
2. How do you feel the balance between dark and serious and lighthearted family life is with the story? Does one overpower the other or does one feel out of place?
3. What scenes did you like the most? What scenes did you like the least?
I liked the scene where Kai talked to Noelle. I think that it really helped develop his character.
My least favorite scene was probably the one where Rylie took Rosea shopping, because (and this is REALLY shallow,) I didn't like the makeover. Isn't that terrible of me? I read the whole, endearing chapter, and all I can think is, I can't believe they're wearing the same hat.
4. How well did you feel the opening chapter set up the story?
I think it was pretty good at setting the scene and showing Rylie's feelings for Rosea. Like I've said before, both characters really shine. The screenshots are absolutely gorgeous, too!
5. What are your thoughts on the lore the story has tried to present? Does it feel like a believable world?
Yes, it does. The rest of my thoughts boil down to personal preference, so I've put them in a spoiler.
I like my vampires in a very specific, one-and-a-quarter lumps of sugar, no milk, stir three times counterclockwise and cover with a saucer kind-of way. The Moon as a deity felt like two lumps of sugar.
Let me explain: I don't think this choice was a bad one. It makes a lot of sense for vampires, in fact. However, I prefer the more traditional, Faustian bargain type of vampire, because it allows you to explore some of the negative aspects of human nature. Why do we do things that hurt other people? When is selfishness justified?
6. How do you feel the stories pacing has been overall? Slow? Fast?
It's about right.
7. Did you have a favorite quote from the story? If so what?
“Ah ah ah, Miss. That was your question, now it’s my turn. Information for information, remember? Those were your own rules.”
Noelle grimaced. This kid just didn’t stop pressing on her last nerve.
I really like how Kai's character shines through in this passage. I also like the word choice. "Grimaced" really helps cement Noelle's annoyance.
8. Is there anything you think could be improved?
Sometimes, the sentences go on for too long (which I know you're aware of.) I also noticed the word "slightly" being used a lot, along with a bunch of other adverbs. I think you could improve by using specific verbs. For example, instead of saying, "Anna laughed lightly," you might say, "Anna chuckled to herself." Instead of, "Kaiphus raised slightly," you might try, "Kaiphus lifted his head from the pavement," or "Kaiphus propped himself on an elbow."
I've read several times that a writer should avoid using adverbs whenever he can. More specific verbs create a clearer image for the reader, which helps draw them into the story. Anyway, I struggle with this, too.
9. Have any plot points left you confused or moments you felt weren't adequately explained?
Other than the Countess's motivations, no.
10. Any further thoughts or questions?
Why is the Countess named Noelle? It's hardly a threatening name. It makes me think of Christmas, actually. Was this her name from her mortal life? If so, why did she keep it?
Story of the Week Questions: @AuroraLockwood Answers in the spoiler.
1. What do you think of the characters in the story? Favorite? Least favorite? Ones you wish had more development?
So far, my favorite character is Kai. I like smart alecks in stories.
I dislike the Countess, but not just because she's supposed to be the villain. I don't buy her motivations. Why would she try to keep everyone's soul and keep them trapped if that is what she hated about becoming a vampire? When she was turned, someone took away her ability choose a life for herself; to pursue her own happiness, as Thomas Jefferson would say. Why is she doing the same to other vampires? If all the other vampires were born that way, then they didn't get to choose that life, either. Noelle's motivations come off as good ol' power grabbing, to me.
2. How do you feel the balance between dark and serious and lighthearted family life is with the story? Does one overpower the other or does one feel out of place?
3. What scenes did you like the most? What scenes did you like the least?
I liked the scene where Kai talked to Noelle. I think that it really helped develop his character.
My least favorite scene was probably the one where Rylie took Rosea shopping, because (and this is REALLY shallow,) I didn't like the makeover. Isn't that terrible of me? I read the whole, endearing chapter, and all I can think is, I can't believe they're wearing the same hat.
4. How well did you feel the opening chapter set up the story?
I think it was pretty good at setting the scene and showing Rylie's feelings for Rosea. Like I've said before, both characters really shine. The screenshots are absolutely gorgeous, too!
5. What are your thoughts on the lore the story has tried to present? Does it feel like a believable world?
Yes, it does. The rest of my thoughts boil down to personal preference, so I've put them in a spoiler.
I like my vampires in a very specific, one-and-a-quarter lumps of sugar, no milk, stir three times counterclockwise and cover with a saucer kind-of way. The Moon as a deity felt like two lumps of sugar.
Let me explain: I don't think this choice was a bad one. It makes a lot of sense for vampires, in fact. However, I prefer the more traditional, Faustian bargain type of vampire, because it allows you to explore some of the negative aspects of human nature. Why do we do things that hurt other people? When is selfishness justified?
6. How do you feel the stories pacing has been overall? Slow? Fast?
It's about right.
7. Did you have a favorite quote from the story? If so what?
“Ah ah ah, Miss. That was your question, now it’s my turn. Information for information, remember? Those were your own rules.”
Noelle grimaced. This kid just didn’t stop pressing on her last nerve.
I really like how Kai's character shines through in this passage. I also like the word choice. "Grimaced" really helps cement Noelle's annoyance.
8. Is there anything you think could be improved?
Sometimes, the sentences go on for too long (which I know you're aware of.) I also noticed the word "slightly" being used a lot, along with a bunch of other adverbs. I think you could improve by using specific verbs. For example, instead of saying, "Anna laughed lightly," you might say, "Anna chuckled to herself." Instead of, "Kaiphus raised slightly," you might try, "Kaiphus lifted his head from the pavement," or "Kaiphus propped himself on an elbow."
I've read several times that a writer should avoid using adverbs whenever he can. More specific verbs create a clearer image for the reader, which helps draw them into the story. Anyway, I struggle with this, too.
9. Have any plot points left you confused or moments you felt weren't adequately explained?
Other than the Countess's motivations, no.
10. Any further thoughts or questions?
Why is the Countess named Noelle? It's hardly a threatening name. It makes me think of Christmas, actually. Was this her name from her mortal life? If so, why did she keep it?
1. Just to mention the taking of souls isn't purely the Countess' thing. It was referenced in the first special and a few other times that it's a vampire tradition regarding the initiation of fledglings. In the first special that was even related to Kaiphus' nightmares as his worry was because he was going to go through the initiation and Count Saldivar would take his soul as per tradition. The fledglings offer their souls as dedication to the coven and then they are returned when the fledgling completes their training.
I'm not saying this to defend Saerna one way or the other you'll get to decide that for yourself as the story progresses just that as far as the souls go that's actually normal for the covens/broods.
3. Aww I thought the matching hats was cute Don't worry though while Rosea keeps the look I don't have any real plan for it to become a regular thing for Rylie.
5. Fair enough. Like I said in my welcome on my site I realize some people have certain views of vampires and how they should be and that's fine I just prefer having the room to stretch and make it my own. To be fair you will still get some of those concepts of why we do things that hurt others and when is selfishness justified. For example in Chapter 16 it is referenced that Kaiphus was there alongside Saerna during the Great Split so he has hurt his fair share of people though the details of that war haven't really been brought up. And Saerna herself shows her fair share of selfishness in the very idea of her initial goal in the side story where she wanted to change the vampire society to suit her own view of what they should be. By it's very nature that is selfish as she would be imposing her own morals on their society though it could be justified by many due to what was done to her. At the end of the day both of those things exist in regular human culture and in my perspective on vampires they are pretty much a lot like regular people just with the supernatural spin added into the mix. So those aspects are there they are just stemming from the characters own decisions as a vampire rather than a deal to become one.
8. Ah my ongoing issue. Yeah I notice that when I write as well I just struggle to actually think of phrases like that so I tend to fall into old habits of how to describe things.
9. More details on the Countess will come I just haven't gotten there yet.
10. There are couple aspects to this. From a pure in world perspective Noelle Saerna is literally just her name. That was her name before she was bitten and she just kept it after she was turned because there was no demand from the brood for her to change it. From a writing perspective I went with it specifically for the contrast. Saerna as a name sounds a lot more intimidating and powerful which is why it's the name most use when referencing her. Noelle on the other hand has more of a gentle and innocent feel, and you will notice that Kaiphus is the only one who ever calls her that. To me Noelle represents her human side and motivations where she wants to make the vampire society better and less monstrous while Saerna is the vampire queen side that does whatever it takes to rule her coven. It's that dichotomy of what she was versus what she has become.
1. Just to mention the taking of souls isn't purely the Countess' thing. It was referenced in the first special and a few other times that it's a vampire tradition regarding the initiation of fledglings. In the first special that was even related to Kaiphus' nightmares as his worry was because he was going to go through the initiation and Count Saldivar would take his soul as per tradition. The fledglings offer their souls as dedication to the coven and then they are returned when the fledgling completes their training.
I'm not saying this to defend Saerna one way or the other you'll get to decide that for yourself as the story progresses just that as far as the souls go that's actually normal for the covens/broods.
Oh, I am well aware of that fact. It's mentioned about every chapter. It just seems extremely hypocritical for a character who hates her loss of freedom to take others' away like that.
1. What do you think of the characters in the story? Favorite? Least favorite? Ones you wish had more development?
I don't really have a favorite or least favorite, but Countess Saerna intrigues me.
2. How do you feel the balance between dark and serious and lighthearted family life is with the story? Does one overpower the other or does one feel out of place?
I think the balance is just right.
3. What scenes did you like the most? What scenes did you like the least?
The most recent one I liked, where they visit the bakery that acts as a cover for plasma distribution. As for the scene that I liked the least, nothing in particular.
4. How well did you feel the opening chapter set up the story?
As an action-oriented writer, it doesn't hook me in immediately, but I like how light-hearted and cute it is.
5. What are your thoughts on the lore the story has tried to present? Does it feel like a believable world?
I like how you've integrated the concept of having a dark form as a true form in your story.
6. How do you feel the stories pacing has been overall? Slow? Fast?
The pacing is all right.
7. Did you have a favorite quote from the story? If so what?
Nothing has caught my attention so far.
8. Is there anything you think could be improved?
Comma usage. Also, some characters tend to go into monologue. I read from a writing guide before that blocky monologues can be divided by adding sentences with action in-between or add some more dialogue. It did wonders for my writing, so it can probably help you, too. For example, this is from your most recent chapter: (I hope you don't mind my minor edits; I proofread for a living.)
Anna just laughed. “It’s alright, no thanks is necessary. Now just take a deep breath and calm down for a minute. I know you are really happy, but I want to be clear that this isn’t over. You did very well for your second time, but you did start to slip a bit in there. What I did was simply use some of my own energy to help push that urge back. This isn’t to discount what you just did; it’s a good first step, but I don’t want you feeding like this on your own. For the time being, stick to the packets and we can continue working on this another time. For now though, you two should probably head home. Most humans feel tired after a vampire feeds, so Rylie could probably do with a good nap after all that. I’ll send a bag to your home that has a fresh supply of packets, and that should keep you covered for the next week. I’ll also put a business card in with them. You can reach me at the number on the card and we’ll sort out how to continue from here in a day or two. And again, I would like to emphasize you did very well. You do deserve to be very proud of yourself.”
If I divide parts of the monologue:
Anna just laughed. “It’s alright, no thanks is necessary. Now just take a deep breath and calm down for a minute. I know you are really happy, but I want to be clear that this isn’t over. You did very well for your second time, but you did start to slip a bit in there. What I did was simply use some of my own energy to help push that urge back. This isn’t to discount what you just did; it’s a good first step, but I don’t want you feeding like this on your own."
"So what do you suggest we do?" Rosea crosses her arms.
"For the time being, stick to the packets and we can continue working on this another time. For now though, you two should probably head home. Most humans feel tired after a vampire feeds, so Rylie could probably do with a good nap after all that."
Rylie then yawns as Anna continues talking.
"I’ll send a bag to your home that has a fresh supply of packets that should keep you covered for the next week. I’ll also put a business card in with them. You can reach me at the number on the card and we’ll sort out how to continue from here in a day or two. And again, I would like to emphasize you did very well. You do deserve to be very proud of yourself.”
Hope this helps! I'm really enjoying this part of the story.
9. Have any plot points left you confused or moments you felt weren't adequately explained?
None in particular.
10. Any further thoughts or questions?
Nothing really. Keep it up! I'm looking forward to what happens next.
1. What do you think of the characters in the story? Favorite? Least favorite? Ones you wish had more development?
I don't really have a favorite or least favorite, but Countess Saerna intrigues me.
2. How do you feel the balance between dark and serious and lighthearted family life is with the story? Does one overpower the other or does one feel out of place?
I think the balance is just right.
3. What scenes did you like the most? What scenes did you like the least?
The most recent one I liked, where they visit the bakery that acts as a cover for plasma distribution. As for the scene that I liked the least, nothing in particular.
4. How well did you feel the opening chapter set up the story?
As an action-oriented writer, it doesn't hook me in immediately, but I like how light-hearted and cute it is.
5. What are your thoughts on the lore the story has tried to present? Does it feel like a believable world?
I like how you've integrated the concept of having a dark form as a true form in your story.
6. How do you feel the stories pacing has been overall? Slow? Fast?
The pacing is all right.
7. Did you have a favorite quote from the story? If so what?
Nothing has caught my attention so far.
8. Is there anything you think could be improved?
Comma usage. Also, some characters tend to go into monologue. I read from a writing guide before that blocky monologues can be divided by adding sentences with action in-between or add some more dialogue. It did wonders for my writing, so it can probably help you, too. For example, this is from your most recent chapter: (I hope you don't mind my minor edits; I proofread for a living.)
Anna just laughed. “It’s alright, no thanks is necessary. Now just take a deep breath and calm down for a minute. I know you are really happy, but I want to be clear that this isn’t over. You did very well for your second time, but you did start to slip a bit in there. What I did was simply use some of my own energy to help push that urge back. This isn’t to discount what you just did; it’s a good first step, but I don’t want you feeding like this on your own. For the time being, stick to the packets and we can continue working on this another time. For now though, you two should probably head home. Most humans feel tired after a vampire feeds, so Rylie could probably do with a good nap after all that. I’ll send a bag to your home that has a fresh supply of packets, and that should keep you covered for the next week. I’ll also put a business card in with them. You can reach me at the number on the card and we’ll sort out how to continue from here in a day or two. And again, I would like to emphasize you did very well. You do deserve to be very proud of yourself.”
If I divide parts of the monologue:
Anna just laughed. “It’s alright, no thanks is necessary. Now just take a deep breath and calm down for a minute. I know you are really happy, but I want to be clear that this isn’t over. You did very well for your second time, but you did start to slip a bit in there. What I did was simply use some of my own energy to help push that urge back. This isn’t to discount what you just did; it’s a good first step, but I don’t want you feeding like this on your own."
"So what do you suggest we do?" Rosea crosses her arms.
"For the time being, stick to the packets and we can continue working on this another time. For now though, you two should probably head home. Most humans feel tired after a vampire feeds, so Rylie could probably do with a good nap after all that."
Rylie then yawns as Anna continues talking.
"I’ll send a bag to your home that has a fresh supply of packets that should keep you covered for the next week. I’ll also put a business card in with them. You can reach me at the number on the card and we’ll sort out how to continue from here in a day or two. And again, I would like to emphasize you did very well. You do deserve to be very proud of yourself.”
Hope this helps! I'm really enjoying this part of the story.
9. Have any plot points left you confused or moments you felt weren't adequately explained?
None in particular.
10. Any further thoughts or questions?
Nothing really. Keep it up! I'm looking forward to what happens next.
@pronterus Sorry I just realized I never responded to your post. Thanks for the feedback about the writing tips. I can't make any promises about comma usage as that poor writing habit is fairly well ingrained but I'm definitely going to try and improve on the other technical stuff. Also I'm glad to hear you are enjoying the story even though it's a bit out of your wheelhouse
Also out of curiosity what exactly about Saerna intrigues you?
1. What do you think of the characters in the story? Favorite? Least favorite? Ones you wish had more development?
I don't really have a favorite or least favorite, but Countess Saerna intrigues me.
2. How do you feel the balance between dark and serious and lighthearted family life is with the story? Does one overpower the other or does one feel out of place?
I think the balance is just right.
3. What scenes did you like the most? What scenes did you like the least?
The most recent one I liked, where they visit the bakery that acts as a cover for plasma distribution. As for the scene that I liked the least, nothing in particular.
4. How well did you feel the opening chapter set up the story?
As an action-oriented writer, it doesn't hook me in immediately, but I like how light-hearted and cute it is.
5. What are your thoughts on the lore the story has tried to present? Does it feel like a believable world?
I like how you've integrated the concept of having a dark form as a true form in your story.
6. How do you feel the stories pacing has been overall? Slow? Fast?
The pacing is all right.
7. Did you have a favorite quote from the story? If so what?
Nothing has caught my attention so far.
8. Is there anything you think could be improved?
Comma usage. Also, some characters tend to go into monologue. I read from a writing guide before that blocky monologues can be divided by adding sentences with action in-between or add some more dialogue. It did wonders for my writing, so it can probably help you, too. For example, this is from your most recent chapter: (I hope you don't mind my minor edits; I proofread for a living.)
Anna just laughed. “It’s alright, no thanks is necessary. Now just take a deep breath and calm down for a minute. I know you are really happy, but I want to be clear that this isn’t over. You did very well for your second time, but you did start to slip a bit in there. What I did was simply use some of my own energy to help push that urge back. This isn’t to discount what you just did; it’s a good first step, but I don’t want you feeding like this on your own. For the time being, stick to the packets and we can continue working on this another time. For now though, you two should probably head home. Most humans feel tired after a vampire feeds, so Rylie could probably do with a good nap after all that. I’ll send a bag to your home that has a fresh supply of packets, and that should keep you covered for the next week. I’ll also put a business card in with them. You can reach me at the number on the card and we’ll sort out how to continue from here in a day or two. And again, I would like to emphasize you did very well. You do deserve to be very proud of yourself.”
If I divide parts of the monologue:
Anna just laughed. “It’s alright, no thanks is necessary. Now just take a deep breath and calm down for a minute. I know you are really happy, but I want to be clear that this isn’t over. You did very well for your second time, but you did start to slip a bit in there. What I did was simply use some of my own energy to help push that urge back. This isn’t to discount what you just did; it’s a good first step, but I don’t want you feeding like this on your own."
"So what do you suggest we do?" Rosea crosses her arms.
"For the time being, stick to the packets and we can continue working on this another time. For now though, you two should probably head home. Most humans feel tired after a vampire feeds, so Rylie could probably do with a good nap after all that."
Rylie then yawns as Anna continues talking.
"I’ll send a bag to your home that has a fresh supply of packets that should keep you covered for the next week. I’ll also put a business card in with them. You can reach me at the number on the card and we’ll sort out how to continue from here in a day or two. And again, I would like to emphasize you did very well. You do deserve to be very proud of yourself.”
Hope this helps! I'm really enjoying this part of the story.
9. Have any plot points left you confused or moments you felt weren't adequately explained?
None in particular.
10. Any further thoughts or questions?
Nothing really. Keep it up! I'm looking forward to what happens next.
@pronterus Sorry I just realized I never responded to your post. Thanks for the feedback about the writing tips. I can't make any promises about comma usage as that poor writing habit is fairly well ingrained but I'm definitely going to try and improve on the other technical stuff. Also I'm glad to hear you are enjoying the story even though it's a bit out of your wheelhouse
Also out of curiosity what exactly about Saerna intrigues you?
I can't really put my finger on it now, so I'm looking forward to more of her appearances.
Just figured I would mention this here as well. My story is going on a brief break for the remainder of this week and possibly next week as well so I can take some time to sort out details for the upcoming chapters.
Now, keep in mind, I know it's very early in these actual chapters, so it might be kinda hard to answer some of these questions. Please bear with me. Section 1: Dr. Allen
What are some of your thoughts (if any) on Dr. Allen?
Do you like seeing things from his perspective?
How does he compare with Alexander? (What are some of the similarities or differences?)
What do you think of the Other? After the second chapter, can you tell when each is speaking?
Section 2: Loose Ends
How do you feel about the Prologue's end? (I understand I didn't tie up all loose ends.)
What are some things you still want to know about?
Section 3: Miscellany
What is your favorite character? Have your opinions changed over the course of the story?
Is there anything I did well? Anything I could improve on?
Do you have any fan theories (not that you have to be a fan to have a theory ) Please share them!
Comments
@pupshadow22 Regarding our running story of the week rotation. Your story is next on the list for discussion starting on the 30th. Considering you are going to be busy would you prefer we postpone your turn until later or would you like to try and participate in the discussions as scheduled next week?
With the lack of response I am planning to make the call to postpone the story of the week period for @pupshadow22 . To make up for the delay pupshadow's story can in turn have priority the week after pupshadow's return.
Is this decision okay with both of you?
That's okay with me
Origin ID: pronterus || Gallery || Undead With Benefits||The Pronteran Builder Blog
Book O' Spells: The Life and Times of Lady Ravendancer Goth
The Shadow Over Newcrest - Revised Story Blog
Okay then. With that the story for this week will be my "The Family Black" Story
I will get the top post updated and post a set of questions in a bit I just need to finish up today's chapter first.
Story of the Week Questions:
1. What do you think of the characters in the story? Favorite? Least favorite? Ones you wish had more development?
2. How do you feel the balance between dark and serious and lighthearted family life is with the story? Does one overpower the other or does one feel out of place?
3. What scenes did you like the most? What scenes did you like the least?
4. How well did you feel the opening chapter set up the story?
5. What are your thoughts on the lore the story has tried to present? Does it feel like a believable world?
6. How do you feel the stories pacing has been overall? Slow? Fast?
7. Did you have a favorite quote from the story? If so what?
8. Is there anything you think could be improved?
9. Have any plot points left you confused or moments you felt weren't adequately explained?
10. Any further thoughts or questions?
Book O' Spells: The Life and Times of Lady Ravendancer Goth
The Shadow Over Newcrest - Revised Story Blog
@15aewar No worries, I think most people are like that. They focus on getting their own story work taken care of and then focus on reading afterwards.
To celebrate the occasion I bring a very tongue in cheek special chapter of "The Family Black" (Spoiler warning though chapter 19)
Special Chapter- Halloween 2017
@AuroraLockwood Answers in the spoiler.
So far, my favorite character is Kai. I like smart alecks in stories.
I dislike the Countess, but not just because she's supposed to be the villain. I don't buy her motivations. Why would she try to keep everyone's soul and keep them trapped if that is what she hated about becoming a vampire? When she was turned, someone took away her ability choose a life for herself; to pursue her own happiness, as Thomas Jefferson would say. Why is she doing the same to other vampires? If all the other vampires were born that way, then they didn't get to choose that life, either. Noelle's motivations come off as good ol' power grabbing, to me.
2. How do you feel the balance between dark and serious and lighthearted family life is with the story? Does one overpower the other or does one feel out of place?
3. What scenes did you like the most? What scenes did you like the least?
I liked the scene where Kai talked to Noelle. I think that it really helped develop his character.
My least favorite scene was probably the one where Rylie took Rosea shopping, because (and this is REALLY shallow,) I didn't like the makeover. Isn't that terrible of me? I read the whole, endearing chapter, and all I can think is, I can't believe they're wearing the same hat.
4. How well did you feel the opening chapter set up the story?
I think it was pretty good at setting the scene and showing Rylie's feelings for Rosea. Like I've said before, both characters really shine. The screenshots are absolutely gorgeous, too!
5. What are your thoughts on the lore the story has tried to present? Does it feel like a believable world?
Yes, it does. The rest of my thoughts boil down to personal preference, so I've put them in a spoiler.
Let me explain: I don't think this choice was a bad one. It makes a lot of sense for vampires, in fact. However, I prefer the more traditional, Faustian bargain type of vampire, because it allows you to explore some of the negative aspects of human nature. Why do we do things that hurt other people? When is selfishness justified?
6. How do you feel the stories pacing has been overall? Slow? Fast?
It's about right.
7. Did you have a favorite quote from the story? If so what? I really like how Kai's character shines through in this passage. I also like the word choice. "Grimaced" really helps cement Noelle's annoyance.
8. Is there anything you think could be improved?
Sometimes, the sentences go on for too long (which I know you're aware of.) I also noticed the word "slightly" being used a lot, along with a bunch of other adverbs. I think you could improve by using specific verbs. For example, instead of saying, "Anna laughed lightly," you might say, "Anna chuckled to herself." Instead of, "Kaiphus raised slightly," you might try, "Kaiphus lifted his head from the pavement," or "Kaiphus propped himself on an elbow."
I've read several times that a writer should avoid using adverbs whenever he can. More specific verbs create a clearer image for the reader, which helps draw them into the story. Anyway, I struggle with this, too.
9. Have any plot points left you confused or moments you felt weren't adequately explained?
Other than the Countess's motivations, no.
10. Any further thoughts or questions?
Why is the Countess named Noelle? It's hardly a threatening name. It makes me think of Christmas, actually. Was this her name from her mortal life? If so, why did she keep it?
Book O' Spells: The Life and Times of Lady Ravendancer Goth
The Shadow Over Newcrest - Revised Story Blog
Book O' Spells: The Life and Times of Lady Ravendancer Goth
The Shadow Over Newcrest - Revised Story Blog
I'm not saying this to defend Saerna one way or the other you'll get to decide that for yourself as the story progresses just that as far as the souls go that's actually normal for the covens/broods.
3. Aww I thought the matching hats was cute
5. Fair enough. Like I said in my welcome on my site I realize some people have certain views of vampires and how they should be and that's fine I just prefer having the room to stretch and make it my own. To be fair you will still get some of those concepts of why we do things that hurt others and when is selfishness justified. For example in Chapter 16 it is referenced that Kaiphus was there alongside Saerna during the Great Split so he has hurt his fair share of people though the details of that war haven't really been brought up. And Saerna herself shows her fair share of selfishness in the very idea of her initial goal in the side story where she wanted to change the vampire society to suit her own view of what they should be. By it's very nature that is selfish as she would be imposing her own morals on their society though it could be justified by many due to what was done to her. At the end of the day both of those things exist in regular human culture and in my perspective on vampires they are pretty much a lot like regular people just with the supernatural spin added into the mix. So those aspects are there they are just stemming from the characters own decisions as a vampire rather than a deal to become one.
8. Ah my ongoing issue. Yeah I notice that when I write as well I just struggle to actually think of phrases like that so I tend to fall into old habits of how to describe things.
9. More details on the Countess will come I just haven't gotten there yet.
10. There are couple aspects to this. From a pure in world perspective Noelle Saerna is literally just her name. That was her name before she was bitten and she just kept it after she was turned because there was no demand from the brood for her to change it. From a writing perspective I went with it specifically for the contrast. Saerna as a name sounds a lot more intimidating and powerful which is why it's the name most use when referencing her. Noelle on the other hand has more of a gentle and innocent feel, and you will notice that Kaiphus is the only one who ever calls her that. To me Noelle represents her human side and motivations where she wants to make the vampire society better and less monstrous while Saerna is the vampire queen side that does whatever it takes to rule her coven. It's that dichotomy of what she was versus what she has become.
Oh, I am well aware of that fact. It's mentioned about every chapter.
Book O' Spells: The Life and Times of Lady Ravendancer Goth
The Shadow Over Newcrest - Revised Story Blog
1. What do you think of the characters in the story? Favorite? Least favorite? Ones you wish had more development?
I don't really have a favorite or least favorite, but Countess Saerna intrigues me.
2. How do you feel the balance between dark and serious and lighthearted family life is with the story? Does one overpower the other or does one feel out of place?
I think the balance is just right.
3. What scenes did you like the most? What scenes did you like the least?
The most recent one I liked, where they visit the bakery that acts as a cover for plasma distribution. As for the scene that I liked the least, nothing in particular.
4. How well did you feel the opening chapter set up the story?
As an action-oriented writer, it doesn't hook me in immediately, but I like how light-hearted and cute it is.
5. What are your thoughts on the lore the story has tried to present? Does it feel like a believable world?
I like how you've integrated the concept of having a dark form as a true form in your story.
6. How do you feel the stories pacing has been overall? Slow? Fast?
The pacing is all right.
7. Did you have a favorite quote from the story? If so what?
Nothing has caught my attention so far.
8. Is there anything you think could be improved?
Comma usage. Also, some characters tend to go into monologue. I read from a writing guide before that blocky monologues can be divided by adding sentences with action in-between or add some more dialogue. It did wonders for my writing, so it can probably help you, too. For example, this is from your most recent chapter: (I hope you don't mind my minor edits; I proofread for a living.)
If I divide parts of the monologue:
"So what do you suggest we do?" Rosea crosses her arms.
"For the time being, stick to the packets and we can continue working on this another time. For now though, you two should probably head home. Most humans feel tired after a vampire feeds, so Rylie could probably do with a good nap after all that."
Rylie then yawns as Anna continues talking.
"I’ll send a bag to your home that has a fresh supply of packets that should keep you covered for the next week. I’ll also put a business card in with them. You can reach me at the number on the card and we’ll sort out how to continue from here in a day or two. And again, I would like to emphasize you did very well. You do deserve to be very proud of yourself.”
Hope this helps! I'm really enjoying this part of the story.
9. Have any plot points left you confused or moments you felt weren't adequately explained?
None in particular.
10. Any further thoughts or questions?
Nothing really. Keep it up! I'm looking forward to what happens next.
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My Halloween Message
Chapter 15.3 - The Return
Epilogue - The Deal
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Short Story - The Freaky Night
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@pronterus Sorry I just realized I never responded to your post. Thanks for the feedback about the writing tips. I can't make any promises about comma usage as that poor writing habit is fairly well ingrained but I'm definitely going to try and improve on the other technical stuff. Also I'm glad to hear you are enjoying the story even though it's a bit out of your wheelhouse
Also out of curiosity what exactly about Saerna intrigues you?
I can't really put my finger on it now, so I'm looking forward to more of her appearances.
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Book O' Spells: The Life and Times of Lady Ravendancer Goth
The Shadow Over Newcrest - Revised Story Blog
Book O' Spells: The Life and Times of Lady Ravendancer Goth
The Shadow Over Newcrest - Revised Story Blog
And as another week rolls around our story of the week spotlight changes focus to @15aewar - The Shadow of Newcrest
This week's questions are largely based on chapters I and II. Speaking of, here's Chapter II! https://rendorasims.wordpress.com/chapters/chapter-ii-the-other/
Questions are in the spoiler
Section 1: Dr. Allen
What are some of your thoughts (if any) on Dr. Allen?
Do you like seeing things from his perspective?
How does he compare with Alexander? (What are some of the similarities or differences?)
What do you think of the Other? After the second chapter, can you tell when each is speaking?
Section 2: Loose Ends
How do you feel about the Prologue's end? (I understand I didn't tie up all loose ends.)
What are some things you still want to know about?
Section 3: Miscellany
What is your favorite character? Have your opinions changed over the course of the story?
Is there anything I did well? Anything I could improve on?
Do you have any fan theories (not that you have to be a fan to have a theory
Ask me any questions you have!
Book O' Spells: The Life and Times of Lady Ravendancer Goth
The Shadow Over Newcrest - Revised Story Blog
Book O' Spells: The Life and Times of Lady Ravendancer Goth
The Shadow Over Newcrest - Revised Story Blog