was totally going to volunteer, but yeah this works!
Oh, you could for sure volunteer! We didn't hear from anyone about only doing one, so why don't you go ahead and volunteer? I'd love to read your story, and I'm sort of itching to provide feedback!
was totally going to volunteer, but yeah this works!
Oh, you could for sure volunteer! We didn't hear from anyone about only doing one, so why don't you go ahead and volunteer? I'd love to read your story, and I'm sort of itching to provide feedback!
Haha, yeah I had been thinking on it and needed to sleep on it. Would it be possible for me to have till Wednesday to submit instead and have people focus on yours for the first half of the week? Or should I just use something old?
was totally going to volunteer, but yeah this works!
Oh, you could for sure volunteer! We didn't hear from anyone about only doing one, so why don't you go ahead and volunteer? I'd love to read your story, and I'm sort of itching to provide feedback!
Haha, yeah I had been thinking on it and needed to sleep on it. Would it be possible for me to have till Wednesday to submit instead and have people focus on yours for the first half of the week? Or should I just use something old?
Anyway you'd like it would work! Choose something that's relevant for you, something that will be useful and interesting for you. Wednesday should be fine, or we can move you into the rotation for later, if you want a little more time.
Wednesday works for me just fine, since I have a piece I started just haven't finished just yet, but I am 99% sure I can finish it in time since I already have all the pictures, notes, and goals sorted out.
Wednesday works for me just fine, since I have a piece I started just haven't finished just yet, but I am 99% sure I can finish it in time since I already have all the pictures, notes, and goals sorted out.
1. Do you get drawn into this world (and mood) as you read this story? If so, at what point in the story did you find yourself "in it"? And, at what points did you pop out of the world of the story? What, in your view, caused you to pop out?
I assume that by world you mean the surroundings and the environment? I was immediately drawn into the world and the mood of a light summer afternoon with a sun setting behind the mountains. EDIT: I now realise there is actually no setting sun in the first sentence. Don't know why I thought that.
The first paragraph definitely drew me into the world, but on the other hand, with the phone call being described, the mood shifted quickly from this summer afternoon lightness to conflict and tension. I don't know if I would call that "popping out" but it definitely shifted the mood. At the end, when Clarissa sits on the boulder, I have the same feeling as in the first paragraph of this light summer afternoon. Those little sentences in between about the shadows didn't evoke that summer afternoon mood for me.
The chapter about Linda Hyte caused me to "pop out" I think because it was just a different world described and I thought more of that than about Clarissa's world.
I hope that was what you meant
I agree with @capturedmuse on the feeling of insecurity described, though I would put that into the "believeable characters" section since it doesn't really draw me into the surroundings. On the other hand, I may have misunderstood the question here.
2. What are your feelings towards the characters in this chapter? Do any seem unbelievable? If so, why? As much as possible, describe what led towards your feelings about these characters.
I feel unsure about Clarissa. On the one hand, the first 3-4 paragraphs made me like her because the peaceful mood of the summer afternoon probably reflected on her and the description of her goodwill made me feel for her. That she had the courage to make a - probably problematic - phonecall also made me feel positively towards her. I think it was because of the description of her feelings, they were authentic to me, something I could connect and identify with.
On the other hand, I didn't like the phone call itself because it seems cruel to me to ask the exwife of your husband to send her son over, even though she could have just asked the son himself. I don't know, I just don't feel like telling these things to Nancy were exactly necessary.
“Yes, I understand the arrangements,” Clarrissa continued, soldiering on. “It’s just that. Well, now that I’m here, too–we just wanted him to know that he’s welcome. That we’d like to see him.”
“You’ll have to ask him,” said Nancy. “Or better yet. Have his father call him for a change.”
This is what I am referring too. I like Clarissa for inviting over Malcolm even though he is not her son, on the other hand I don't like it because its sounds like she wanted to take him away from his mother and play the mother herself (at least to some extent it sounds like that). Being a child of divorced parents of course this is a special issue for me, so others might see things differently.
Nancy seemed very believable to me, I somehow felt pity for her, because I feel like she would have liked to yell at Clarissa, but still she stayed calm, even though there was cynism and bitterness in the way she talked. I was not sure if I feel positively or negatively about her, because I can understand her hard feelings. This changes at the very end, when Malcolm calls and it becomes evident, that Nancy has told him about the call, even though she previously said, Clarissa would have to ask him herself. It just seems that there is still goodwill in Nancy and that somehow makes me like her.
Since these are the two characters the chapter centers about I won't say anything about Joffrey or Malcolm. Both Nancy and Clarissa felt very believeable to me.
3. What seems to be the theme of this chapter? Can you see that theme being carried out and explored in a novel-length work?
To me, the theme was connection and disconnection. Clarissa wanting to connect with Nancy and Malcom, even though Nancy seems currently disconnected from her. I feel like this theme (if that was your intended theme) could be carried out across a longer work. I feel it's about reconciling relationships or breaking them up, or even about forming relationships under difficult premises. And I think this makes for excellent possibilities, story-telling wise.
4. What are the major tensions in this chapter? What potential for resolution is there?
I feel that the major tension is the break up of a family. With Joffrey having a new wife and Nancy now being alone with Malcolm, Nancy must have hard feelings against Clarissa and there sure is tension there. I didn't feel like Nancy was out for resolution when she ended the phone call, but that she told Malcolm about it, makes me hope that the two women will get along eventually.
5. What major images stand out? How might these images serve as symbols? What are they symbols of, and how do these symbols connect with the chapter's theme?
The images that stood out most to me, were the shadows. I believe they symbolize the current mood and the relationship between Nancy and Clarissa.
Across the canyon, the purple of the shadow deepened into black, right in the center.
At this point, Clarissa has just realized that her words sound hollow and there is a tension between the two women, so their relationship has momentarily blackened.
Clarissa held onto the edge of the counter and looked across the chasm of the canyon into the purple shadow.
There was that sharp line, right inside, cutting across her chest. She gazed into the shadow and breathed.
Clarissa "gazing" into the shadow seems like a symbol for her contemplation about the phone call. Directly afterwards she gets outside and starts musing about her relationship with Nancy.
Clarissa looked out over the canyon. The sunlight had shifted and now the shadow was diffuse.
After she has thought about why she wants to befriend Nancy, the mood has lightened and the shadows are diffuse as Clarissa wonders about the potential for resolution.
She sat quietly while the shadows shifted.
The shadows shift as the conflict - unknown to Clarissa at that point - begins to resolve when nancy tells Malcolm about the phone call.
Wow I've written a novel here. I hope my interpretation is not completely plum.
7. I'd love to hear your general responses: strengths, what might be improved, as well as your personal feelings of engagement and lack thereof.
This chapter has really touched me on an emotional level. As I already said my parents are divorced and I can somehow understand the feelings between the two women. CathyTea has captured Nancy's bitterness very well without making me dislike her really and that's a strength The use of imagery and symbols is very strong in this chapter and that makes it really beautiful, even if you don't analyze the chapter the way we do here Well done, Cathy ^^
Hey guys, I know I said I wouldn't have anything prepared for this week and am more than happy for @capturedmuse to take over my spot this week, but I could actually use some help at the minute.
Most of you will know I am a quick updater with my legacy and often write numerous chapters every day. Since I think fast and write fast, I could use feedback on a particular chapter as soon as possible. Of course, @capturedmuse and @CathyTea are priority this week but if any of you would want to offer feedback on the side answering one or two questions of mine I would be grateful. Sorry to throw a spanner in the works but this part of the story is really important to me and I'd rather not delay it if possible.
Thanks
It's concerning Chapter Eighteen of my third generation. You don't need any previous knowledge of the legacy or the family, although reading the previous chapter may help a little with context. If you're up for it just PM or comment here and I will ask a couple short questions
Hey guys, I know I said I wouldn't have anything prepared for this week and am more than happy for @capturedmuse to take over my spot this week, but I could actually use some help at the minute.
Most of you will know I am a quick updater with my legacy and often write numerous chapters every day. Since I think fast and write fast, I could use feedback on a particular chapter as soon as possible. Of course, @capturedmuse and @CathyTea are priority this week but if any of you would want to offer feedback on the side answering one or two questions of mine I would be grateful. Sorry to throw a spanner in the works but this part of the story is really important to me and I'd rather not delay it if possible.
Thanks
It's concerning Chapter Eighteen of my third generation. You don't need any previous knowledge of the legacy or the family, although reading the previous chapter may help a little with context. If you're up for it just PM or comment here and I will ask a couple short questions
Hey, I'm totally up for it! I feel it's nice here to make room for less formal, more impromptu feedback, in addition to our more structured process. How about just popping up your questions here?
I honestly wouldn't mind if @Lizzie1234 (awesome job on managing to get your stuff done!) just used one of those pieces for her review thing and we just set it back to normal? Since I was only stepping in to help out, and I don't have any rush or whatever. Thoughts, @CathyTea.
I honestly wouldn't mind if @Lizzie1234 (awesome job on managing to get your stuff done!) just used one of those pieces for her review thing and we just set it back to normal? Since I was only stepping in to help out, and I don't have any rush or whatever. Thoughts, @CathyTea.
Lizzy, it's your call. If you want to resume your original spot, that's fine.
Well this can be my piece for the week? I honestly don't mind, I didn't imagine it to last all week in terms of being workshopped just because I need to continue the story tomorrow haha
Hi, all! It's time for a little bit of organizing work for our Writers' Workship
Please let me know about the following, so that we can keep our sessions on track.
1) Are you participating in this round of feedback? If so, by when does it work well for you to respond to the questions about "Across the Canyon"? Can you do this by Wednesday, or do you need to take until Friday?
The reason I'm asking is because the writer (that would be me!) needs to wait until all the responses are in before I join the conversation. Also, you may want to have time to discuss your views with each other, too.
2) We will have a second piece submitted for this week soon. Will you also be able to provide feedback on that?
3) Would you like to have your work scheduled for receiving feedback? If so, during which week? (Please provide a few options so I can fit everyone in.)
4) Any questions about the process and organization that we need to address? Or any other questions?
I can comment by tomorrow, if needed, I'm just adjusting to returning from my holiday at the minute Sorry about the delay.
I'll happily take my spot back for this week if it makes things easier or I can do next week properly and let @capturedmuse continue tomorrow as planned?
I think everything's working quite well at the minute but I'll update if I change my mind
Thank you so much, @capturedmuse and @Julyvee94 , for your responses to the question! I've got so much to think about, and I can't wait until I'm free to share thoughts and hear more about yours!
Also, I want to provide a bit of clarification, based on July's questions:
In my first question, by "world" I mean the fictional world, including the physical, social, cultural, personal, and interpersonal environments--the whole thing. Not just the physical environment, but the entire "world" the you enter into when you read the story.
Second, it's probably important to know a bit of background information, if you haven't read the first chapter, which comes right before this one: Nancy left Geoffrey a few years before so that she could marry Peter. Everyone assumed that she and Peter had an affair: they didn't. They waited until they were divorced to begin seeing each other. But it was Nancy who left Geoffrey, and she is now remarried to Peter, a successful and prominent surgeon. Geoffrey met Clarissa after Nancy and Peter were married. (This detail is probably significant in understanding the dynamics between the two women; readers of the novel will now this, since they'll read the first chapter before this one [I hope!].)
And now... I will be quiet again until we've received all the feedback and you all have had a chance to discuss amongst yourselves!
I can comment by tomorrow, if needed, I'm just adjusting to returning from my holiday at the minute Sorry about the delay.
I'll happily take my spot back for this week if it makes things easier or I can do next week properly and let @capturedmuse continue tomorrow as planned?
I think everything's working quite well at the minute but I'll update if I change my mind
Muse, it's your call! If you've got your piece ready and would like to post it tomorrow, you've got the slot! If you'd rather return the slot to Lizzie and have your piece read next week, that's great, too!
i'm going ask a dumb qustion because i wasn't around much yesterday. what are we workshoping last time i was here we decied to do oneper workshop but i don't know which one.
@CathyTea is it ok for my piece I posted tonight to be workshopped tonight by whoever's around, regardless? I don't need it to last a week so Muse can carry on tomorrow but I need it workshopped ASAP please
I think I'm ready to pose my questions to readers.
First, a little background about this piece. We'll be reading the second chapter of what is feeling like a novel-length work. It's FanFic, centered around mostly TS4 pre-mades with a few new characters introduced. It will be told in limited third person, with the point-of-view person switching by chapter. In the first chapter, Nancy is the perspective character. In the second, it is Clarissa Moon. In the third, it is Malcolm Landgraab. The fourth will be Geoffrey Landgraab, the fifth will be Cassandra, and then we will move through the perspectives of those characters in the subsequent chapters.
You're invited to read the first chapter, The Wedding of Nancy's Ex, and the third chapter, The Connoisseur of Boredom so that you see how this fits within what's been drafted so far, but it isn't necessary to.
1. Do you get drawn into this world (and mood) as you read this story? If so, at what point in the story did you find yourself "in it"? And, at what points did you pop out of the world of the story? What, in your view, caused you to pop out?
If you didn't get drawn in, what do you feel prevented you from entering this world? What specific changes or shifts do you suggest that would allow you to let yourself enter this world as a reader?
2. What are your feelings towards the characters in this chapter? Do any seem unbelievable? If so, why? As much as possible, describe what led towards your feelings about these characters.
3. What seems to be the theme of this chapter? Can you see that theme being carried out and explored in a novel-length work?
4. What are the major tensions in this chapter? What potential for resolution is there?
5. What major images stand out? How might these images serve as symbols? What are they symbols of, and how do these symbols connect with the chapter's theme?
6. Were there any sentences or phrases that felt awkward or that caused you to pause as a reader? If so, which ones? What suggestions do you have?
7. I'd love to hear your general responses: strengths, what might be improved, as well as your personal feelings of engagement and lack thereof.
Please know that I've been through this process dozens of times (not with this story, but with others--and with VERY tough readers), so I have learned the knack of not taking this type of feedback personally. I crave your honest responses! And I understand well that not every piece of writing is for every reader, so I will certainly not be offended or hurt if this work is not your cup of tea!
Hi, @friendsfan367! We're starting with my story. There's a link to it in the Quote above. Readers are asked to respond to the questions above.
Then, we'll be reading another piece tomorrow or later--we'll have some overlap where we discuss two pieces at a time. I think that will work well.
1. Do you get drawn into this world (and mood) as you read this story? If so, at what point in the story did you find yourself "in it"? And, at what points did you pop out of the world of the story? What, in your view, caused you to pop out?
I definitely find myself drawn into the world, especially early on in the story. I easily imagined the setting of Clarissa’s backyard and the shadows. I even heard her voice when she was speaking to Nancy. I struggled a bit with the section regarding Clarissa’s desire to be friends with Nancy--with the ways in which Clarissa so easily (from how it is written) accepted the love Geoffrey still held for Nancy.
I think this has a lot to do with being a child of divorce and never having any parents or step parents caring at all about the exes. I love to believe that some people live in this world, but in my experiences it was mostly negative. Perhaps a backstory about Clarissa and Geoffrey’s relationship would help with this, but I’m struggling to understand Clarissa’s desire to know Nancy and her contentedness around Geoffrey’s love for Nancy.
If you didn't get drawn in, what do you feel prevented you from entering this world? What specific changes or shifts do you suggest that would allow you to let yourself enter this world as a reader?
“Clarissa faced her in every tender moment,” is a great line, but I struggle with just how true it is for her, and if so, I want to better understand why in order to accept it as such. I keep wondering, does she love Nancy on a deeper level and has married Geoffrey because of her love for Nancy? She projects many of her own struggles onto Nancy and I find myself trying to pick that apart, as opposed to being submersed into the world.
While I deeply appreciate the offering of these back stories into Clarissa’s curiosity regarding Nancy and things in her own life, I want to understand more about Clarissa and Geoffrey--their beginning and what brought them together. I want to understand the true significance of the section about moving the rock under the shade--why was it important that they did that together? What did Clarissa get from that?
2. What are your feelings towards the characters in this chapter? Do any seem unbelievable? If so, why? As much as possible, describe what led towards your feelings about these characters.
Nancy is entirely believable to me. Even her informing Malcolm about Clarissa’s call.
But, for reasons listed above, I struggle deeply with Clarissa’s character, though, I admit, my struggle has lended itself towards wondering who she is. I feel as though there’s more beneath the surface and she’s just putting on a tough act, the more time I spend with it, actually.
3. What seems to be the theme of this chapter? Can you see that theme being carried out and explored in a novel-length work?
Change, aging, acceptance. I can definitely see how this would translate into a longer series. There is much to be explored on these topics. Especially when it comes to women, grace, and aging.
4. What are the major tensions in this chapter? What potential for resolution is there?
Several, but here’s what sticks out to me:
-The struggle between Clarissa and Nancy
(Nancy needs a lot of self-discovery and confidence to resolve this)
-Clarissa and herself
(I’m not sure what could resolve this, but maybe an awareness of why she’s drawn to women like Nancy and Linda and how she might find what she’s missing in her own life, independent of people like them)
-Malcolm and Geoffrey
(This comes with the passing of time and, again, self awareness. There are things holding the two of them back and they both need to face them)
-Nancy and herself
(Perhaps she needs to better reflect on her own struggles in her marriage and own them in order to allow Clarissa and Geoffrey to be happy. Again, self awareness that often happens at the worst of times)
5. What major images stand out? How might these images serve as symbols? What are they symbols of, and how do these symbols connect with the chapter's theme?
That rock has stuck with me. The sun and the shadow it created. I see them as themes for the passing of time, as well as, literally, being in the shadows. Clarissa, it has occurred to me, is a character in the shadows--she’s not one of the family and, from what I know as a reader, she is not one who was there for the drama, She merely knows what an outsider might know, and thus, exists in the shadow of Nancy and Geoff’s relationship.
6. Were there any sentences or phrases that felt awkward or that caused you to pause as a reader? If so, which ones? What suggestions do you have?
The word ‘empty’ at the end of the paragraph about her voice and words. You said the warmth drained from the words...then you said empty. For some reason, I wanted it to read ‘cold’.
7. I'd love to hear your general responses: strengths, what might be improved, as well as your personal feelings of engagement and lack thereof.
Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. Again, my struggle comes with my own experience of divorce and how adults react so I have trouble removing my own mental model of it and accepting what you’re offering, however real it might feel to the characters.
I am eager to know what happens next and continue to get to know the characters, so I know that’s a good sign in regards to plot development. I deeply care about Nancy, for some reason, and feel myself drawn to her. I find her to be the loneliest character so far and want to better understand her issues and where she sees herself in all of this.
@CathyTea is it ok for my piece I posted tonight to be workshopped tonight by whoever's around, regardless? I don't need it to last a week so Muse can carry on tomorrow but I need it workshopped ASAP please
So we don't get confused, can we provide you with your quick feedback on your thread for your story? Will that work? I'm concerned that if we have too much here, it might make it confusing this early in the process, where folks are still becoming comfortable with what's happening.
(Sorry if this seems like a retraction of my previous statement--I'm kind of thinking this through from a few angles.)
Comments
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Oh, you could for sure volunteer! We didn't hear from anyone about only doing one, so why don't you go ahead and volunteer? I'd love to read your story, and I'm sort of itching to provide feedback!
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
Haha, yeah I had been thinking on it and needed to sleep on it. Would it be possible for me to have till Wednesday to submit instead and have people focus on yours for the first half of the week? Or should I just use something old?
Follow me on Twitter, I follow back.
Have a Simblr?
Anyway you'd like it would work! Choose something that's relevant for you, something that will be useful and interesting for you. Wednesday should be fine, or we can move you into the rotation for later, if you want a little more time.
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
Thanks CT.
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Have a Simblr?
Yay! This will be awesome!
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
*rattles the writer's cage*
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You and me both!
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
I assume that by world you mean the surroundings and the environment? I was immediately drawn into the world and the mood of a light summer afternoon with a sun setting behind the mountains. EDIT: I now realise there is actually no setting sun in the first sentence. Don't know why I thought that.
The first paragraph definitely drew me into the world, but on the other hand, with the phone call being described, the mood shifted quickly from this summer afternoon lightness to conflict and tension. I don't know if I would call that "popping out" but it definitely shifted the mood. At the end, when Clarissa sits on the boulder, I have the same feeling as in the first paragraph of this light summer afternoon. Those little sentences in between about the shadows didn't evoke that summer afternoon mood for me.
The chapter about Linda Hyte caused me to "pop out" I think because it was just a different world described and I thought more of that than about Clarissa's world.
I hope that was what you meant
I agree with @capturedmuse on the feeling of insecurity described, though I would put that into the "believeable characters" section since it doesn't really draw me into the surroundings. On the other hand, I may have misunderstood the question here.
2. What are your feelings towards the characters in this chapter? Do any seem unbelievable? If so, why? As much as possible, describe what led towards your feelings about these characters.
I feel unsure about Clarissa. On the one hand, the first 3-4 paragraphs made me like her because the peaceful mood of the summer afternoon probably reflected on her and the description of her goodwill made me feel for her. That she had the courage to make a - probably problematic - phonecall also made me feel positively towards her. I think it was because of the description of her feelings, they were authentic to me, something I could connect and identify with.
On the other hand, I didn't like the phone call itself because it seems cruel to me to ask the exwife of your husband to send her son over, even though she could have just asked the son himself. I don't know, I just don't feel like telling these things to Nancy were exactly necessary.
“Yes, I understand the arrangements,” Clarrissa continued, soldiering on. “It’s just that. Well, now that I’m here, too–we just wanted him to know that he’s welcome. That we’d like to see him.”
“You’ll have to ask him,” said Nancy. “Or better yet. Have his father call him for a change.”
This is what I am referring too. I like Clarissa for inviting over Malcolm even though he is not her son, on the other hand I don't like it because its sounds like she wanted to take him away from his mother and play the mother herself (at least to some extent it sounds like that). Being a child of divorced parents of course this is a special issue for me, so others might see things differently.
Nancy seemed very believable to me, I somehow felt pity for her, because I feel like she would have liked to yell at Clarissa, but still she stayed calm, even though there was cynism and bitterness in the way she talked. I was not sure if I feel positively or negatively about her, because I can understand her hard feelings. This changes at the very end, when Malcolm calls and it becomes evident, that Nancy has told him about the call, even though she previously said, Clarissa would have to ask him herself. It just seems that there is still goodwill in Nancy and that somehow makes me like her.
Since these are the two characters the chapter centers about I won't say anything about Joffrey or Malcolm. Both Nancy and Clarissa felt very believeable to me.
3. What seems to be the theme of this chapter? Can you see that theme being carried out and explored in a novel-length work?
To me, the theme was connection and disconnection. Clarissa wanting to connect with Nancy and Malcom, even though Nancy seems currently disconnected from her. I feel like this theme (if that was your intended theme) could be carried out across a longer work. I feel it's about reconciling relationships or breaking them up, or even about forming relationships under difficult premises. And I think this makes for excellent possibilities, story-telling wise.
4. What are the major tensions in this chapter? What potential for resolution is there?
I feel that the major tension is the break up of a family. With Joffrey having a new wife and Nancy now being alone with Malcolm, Nancy must have hard feelings against Clarissa and there sure is tension there. I didn't feel like Nancy was out for resolution when she ended the phone call, but that she told Malcolm about it, makes me hope that the two women will get along eventually.
5. What major images stand out? How might these images serve as symbols? What are they symbols of, and how do these symbols connect with the chapter's theme?
The images that stood out most to me, were the shadows. I believe they symbolize the current mood and the relationship between Nancy and Clarissa.
Across the canyon, the purple of the shadow deepened into black, right in the center.
At this point, Clarissa has just realized that her words sound hollow and there is a tension between the two women, so their relationship has momentarily blackened.
Clarissa held onto the edge of the counter and looked across the chasm of the canyon into the purple shadow.
There was that sharp line, right inside, cutting across her chest. She gazed into the shadow and breathed.
Clarissa "gazing" into the shadow seems like a symbol for her contemplation about the phone call. Directly afterwards she gets outside and starts musing about her relationship with Nancy.
Clarissa looked out over the canyon. The sunlight had shifted and now the shadow was diffuse.
After she has thought about why she wants to befriend Nancy, the mood has lightened and the shadows are diffuse as Clarissa wonders about the potential for resolution.
She sat quietly while the shadows shifted.
The shadows shift as the conflict - unknown to Clarissa at that point - begins to resolve when nancy tells Malcolm about the phone call.
Wow I've written a novel here. I hope my interpretation is not completely plum.
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This chapter has really touched me on an emotional level. As I already said my parents are divorced and I can somehow understand the feelings between the two women. CathyTea has captured Nancy's bitterness very well without making me dislike her really and that's a strength
Until It Breaks (Complete!) | Tribe Arayeo | Discovery (Complete!) | Vee is for Vortex
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Origin ID: Julyvee94
Most of you will know I am a quick updater with my legacy and often write numerous chapters every day. Since I think fast and write fast, I could use feedback on a particular chapter as soon as possible. Of course, @capturedmuse and @CathyTea are priority this week but if any of you would want to offer feedback on the side answering one or two questions of mine I would be grateful. Sorry to throw a spanner in the works but this part of the story is really important to me and I'd rather not delay it if possible.
Thanks
It's concerning Chapter Eighteen of my third generation. You don't need any previous knowledge of the legacy or the family, although reading the previous chapter may help a little with context. If you're up for it just PM or comment here and I will ask a couple short questions
Hey, I'm totally up for it! I feel it's nice here to make room for less formal, more impromptu feedback, in addition to our more structured process. How about just popping up your questions here?
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
Follow me on Twitter, I follow back.
Have a Simblr?
Lizzy, it's your call. If you want to resume your original spot, that's fine.
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
1. How do you feel towards the characters? In particular Lola, is she believable? If so/not why?
2. What is your impression of the images used and the prose that surrounds each image? Does anything stand out to you? If so/not why?
3. How do you feel about Lola's predicament, is it relatable/believable? If so/not why?
4. Is there anything else you think is noteworthy, either praise or criticism, that you picked up on when reading?
Thanks again!
Hi, all! It's time for a little bit of organizing work for our Writers' Workship
Please let me know about the following, so that we can keep our sessions on track.
1) Are you participating in this round of feedback? If so, by when does it work well for you to respond to the questions about "Across the Canyon"? Can you do this by Wednesday, or do you need to take until Friday?
The reason I'm asking is because the writer (that would be me!) needs to wait until all the responses are in before I join the conversation. Also, you may want to have time to discuss your views with each other, too.
2) We will have a second piece submitted for this week soon. Will you also be able to provide feedback on that?
3) Would you like to have your work scheduled for receiving feedback? If so, during which week? (Please provide a few options so I can fit everyone in.)
4) Any questions about the process and organization that we need to address? Or any other questions?
Thanks, guys!
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
I'll happily take my spot back for this week if it makes things easier or I can do next week properly and let @capturedmuse continue tomorrow as planned?
I think everything's working quite well at the minute but I'll update if I change my mind
Also, I want to provide a bit of clarification, based on July's questions:
In my first question, by "world" I mean the fictional world, including the physical, social, cultural, personal, and interpersonal environments--the whole thing. Not just the physical environment, but the entire "world" the you enter into when you read the story.
Second, it's probably important to know a bit of background information, if you haven't read the first chapter, which comes right before this one: Nancy left Geoffrey a few years before so that she could marry Peter. Everyone assumed that she and Peter had an affair: they didn't. They waited until they were divorced to begin seeing each other. But it was Nancy who left Geoffrey, and she is now remarried to Peter, a successful and prominent surgeon. Geoffrey met Clarissa after Nancy and Peter were married. (This detail is probably significant in understanding the dynamics between the two women; readers of the novel will now this, since they'll read the first chapter before this one [I hope!].)
And now... I will be quiet again until we've received all the feedback and you all have had a chance to discuss amongst yourselves!
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
Muse, it's your call! If you've got your piece ready and would like to post it tomorrow, you've got the slot! If you'd rather return the slot to Lizzie and have your piece read next week, that's great, too!
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
Hi, @friendsfan367! We're starting with my story. There's a link to it in the Quote above. Readers are asked to respond to the questions above.
Then, we'll be reading another piece tomorrow or later--we'll have some overlap where we discuss two pieces at a time. I think that will work well.
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
1. Do you get drawn into this world (and mood) as you read this story? If so, at what point in the story did you find yourself "in it"? And, at what points did you pop out of the world of the story? What, in your view, caused you to pop out?
I definitely find myself drawn into the world, especially early on in the story. I easily imagined the setting of Clarissa’s backyard and the shadows. I even heard her voice when she was speaking to Nancy. I struggled a bit with the section regarding Clarissa’s desire to be friends with Nancy--with the ways in which Clarissa so easily (from how it is written) accepted the love Geoffrey still held for Nancy.
I think this has a lot to do with being a child of divorce and never having any parents or step parents caring at all about the exes. I love to believe that some people live in this world, but in my experiences it was mostly negative. Perhaps a backstory about Clarissa and Geoffrey’s relationship would help with this, but I’m struggling to understand Clarissa’s desire to know Nancy and her contentedness around Geoffrey’s love for Nancy.
If you didn't get drawn in, what do you feel prevented you from entering this world? What specific changes or shifts do you suggest that would allow you to let yourself enter this world as a reader?
“Clarissa faced her in every tender moment,” is a great line, but I struggle with just how true it is for her, and if so, I want to better understand why in order to accept it as such. I keep wondering, does she love Nancy on a deeper level and has married Geoffrey because of her love for Nancy? She projects many of her own struggles onto Nancy and I find myself trying to pick that apart, as opposed to being submersed into the world.
While I deeply appreciate the offering of these back stories into Clarissa’s curiosity regarding Nancy and things in her own life, I want to understand more about Clarissa and Geoffrey--their beginning and what brought them together. I want to understand the true significance of the section about moving the rock under the shade--why was it important that they did that together? What did Clarissa get from that?
2. What are your feelings towards the characters in this chapter? Do any seem unbelievable? If so, why? As much as possible, describe what led towards your feelings about these characters.
Nancy is entirely believable to me. Even her informing Malcolm about Clarissa’s call.
But, for reasons listed above, I struggle deeply with Clarissa’s character, though, I admit, my struggle has lended itself towards wondering who she is. I feel as though there’s more beneath the surface and she’s just putting on a tough act, the more time I spend with it, actually.
3. What seems to be the theme of this chapter? Can you see that theme being carried out and explored in a novel-length work?
Change, aging, acceptance. I can definitely see how this would translate into a longer series. There is much to be explored on these topics. Especially when it comes to women, grace, and aging.
4. What are the major tensions in this chapter? What potential for resolution is there?
Several, but here’s what sticks out to me:
-The struggle between Clarissa and Nancy
(Nancy needs a lot of self-discovery and confidence to resolve this)
-Clarissa and herself
(I’m not sure what could resolve this, but maybe an awareness of why she’s drawn to women like Nancy and Linda and how she might find what she’s missing in her own life, independent of people like them)
-Malcolm and Geoffrey
(This comes with the passing of time and, again, self awareness. There are things holding the two of them back and they both need to face them)
-Nancy and herself
(Perhaps she needs to better reflect on her own struggles in her marriage and own them in order to allow Clarissa and Geoffrey to be happy. Again, self awareness that often happens at the worst of times)
5. What major images stand out? How might these images serve as symbols? What are they symbols of, and how do these symbols connect with the chapter's theme?
That rock has stuck with me. The sun and the shadow it created. I see them as themes for the passing of time, as well as, literally, being in the shadows. Clarissa, it has occurred to me, is a character in the shadows--she’s not one of the family and, from what I know as a reader, she is not one who was there for the drama, She merely knows what an outsider might know, and thus, exists in the shadow of Nancy and Geoff’s relationship.
6. Were there any sentences or phrases that felt awkward or that caused you to pause as a reader? If so, which ones? What suggestions do you have?
The word ‘empty’ at the end of the paragraph about her voice and words. You said the warmth drained from the words...then you said empty. For some reason, I wanted it to read ‘cold’.
7. I'd love to hear your general responses: strengths, what might be improved, as well as your personal feelings of engagement and lack thereof.
Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. Again, my struggle comes with my own experience of divorce and how adults react so I have trouble removing my own mental model of it and accepting what you’re offering, however real it might feel to the characters.
I am eager to know what happens next and continue to get to know the characters, so I know that’s a good sign in regards to plot development. I deeply care about Nancy, for some reason, and feel myself drawn to her. I find her to be the loneliest character so far and want to better understand her issues and where she sees herself in all of this.
Discord: #5153
So we don't get confused, can we provide you with your quick feedback on your thread for your story? Will that work? I'm concerned that if we have too much here, it might make it confusing this early in the process, where folks are still becoming comfortable with what's happening.
(Sorry if this seems like a retraction of my previous statement--I'm kind of thinking this through from a few angles.)
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!