Hi, all! It's time for a little bit of organizing work for our Writers' Workship
Please let me know about the following, so that we can keep our sessions on track.
1) Are you participating in this round of feedback? If so, by when does it work well for you to respond to the questions about "Across the Canyon"? Can you do this by Wednesday, or do you need to take until Friday?
The reason I'm asking is because the writer (that would be me!) needs to wait until all the responses are in before I join the conversation. Also, you may want to have time to discuss your views with each other, too.
2) We will have a second piece submitted for this week soon. Will you also be able to provide feedback on that?
3) Would you like to have your work scheduled for receiving feedback? If so, during which week? (Please provide a few options so I can fit everyone in.)
4) Any questions about the process and organization that we need to address? Or any other questions?
Thanks, guys!
Okay...for these questions
1) Yes. Posted!
2) I can and will provide feedback, but not until after Wednesday.
3) I think my work is scheduled for next week...that would work perfectly for me. If it doesn't for you all, I can offer something else and we can do that whenever!
4) It's working for me. The biggest thing is just making sure that I do have that full week. I like to plan out a time to read the work once, just as is. Then I go back, with the questions in mind and read it again. And then again before I start to write.
@CathyTea is it ok for my piece I posted tonight to be workshopped tonight by whoever's around, regardless? I don't need it to last a week so Muse can carry on tomorrow but I need it workshopped ASAP please
So we don't get confused, can we provide you with your quick feedback on your thread for your story? Will that work? I'm concerned that if we have too much here, it might make it confusing this early in the process, where folks are still becoming comfortable with what's happening.
(Sorry if this seems like a retraction of my previous statement--I'm kind of thinking this through from a few angles.)
No that's exactly what I need, hence the fewer, more basic questions! If people just read them and direct their answers to my thread I'd be very grateful
@CathyTea is it ok for my piece I posted tonight to be workshopped tonight by whoever's around, regardless? I don't need it to last a week so Muse can carry on tomorrow but I need it workshopped ASAP please
So we don't get confused, can we provide you with your quick feedback on your thread for your story? Will that work? I'm concerned that if we have too much here, it might make it confusing this early in the process, where folks are still becoming comfortable with what's happening.
(Sorry if this seems like a retraction of my previous statement--I'm kind of thinking this through from a few angles.)
No that's exactly what I need, hence the fewer, more basic questions! If people just read them and direct their answers to my thread I'd be very grateful
Cool! Let us know when it's posted there with your questions, and then those of us who are ready and available to pop over can do so!
Hello all, stumbled across this thread as I was looking through the Stories and Legacies section. Felt I could benefit from this greatly so here I am! Looking forward to feedback and hopefully providing some of my own, there is always room for improvement I say.
- Jen
Hi, Jen! Glad you found your way here! Would you like to have your work read during the week of Aug. 24? We're doing two writers' work per week, and we've already got one writer set up for that week.
Apologies, I just saw this @CathyTea , whenever you can get around to me is fine. I am in no rush at the moment.
@CathyTea I'll give the spot back to @Lizzie1234 since she needs the feedback on short notice and I don't think we have enough feedbackers atm if we don't. Plussss, gives me more time to work on my voice.
Even more bonuses, we can see how many responses there are total, take a look at how things are split, and perhaps in the future do the week split so that people get feedback faster? I mean in workshops in college you do have to wait a week usually, however, that is one of the downfalls of having it done that way, the wait time, the anxiety, the tension. As romantic as it might be for some people, I think that us doing this online and more importantly on a forum we should embrace the speed that we are allowed due to the beauty of the internet.
And it'll allow more discourse and the like during the weekend when/if needed.
For example:
Sunday/Monday/Tuesday (author can talk)- First person
Wednesday/Thursday/Friday (author can talk) - Second person
Saturday - everything along with the posting of the next pieces.
@CathyTea I'll give the spot back to @Lizzie1234 since she needs the feedback on short notice and I don't think we have enough feedbackers atm if we don't. Plussss, gives me more time to work on my voice.
is it wrong thati know feedbackers isn't a real word but i love it.
1. How do you feel towards the characters? In particular Lola, is she believable? If so/not why?
Overall, Lola was believable to me, especially that she tried to hide her feelings from Danny. There was only one thing that startled me
And I couldn’t explain why. I had no idea, but I felt like my maternal instinct had flown the nest, along with every other positive emotion I had ever known. It was almost as if since love was so complicated and difficult as much as it was glorious, something allowed it to remain.
As the chapter mentions, Lola feels like her love for Danny is still there but everything else has left. What about the love for her children? Isn't that love too? In that context, I don't get why Danny's love gets to stay but the motherly love not.
It also bothers me a bit that Lola is thinking about her lack of maternal instinct. Does that just go away? Isn't motherly love normally very strong? It somehow makes me dislike her, even in the context.
2. What is your impression of the images used and the prose that surrounds each image? Does anything stand out to you? If so/not why?
The sun was high in the sky, a brazen orange in its own ocean of turquoise. Danny and I sat under it for brunch at the local bistro, their delicacies were too good to miss. We had been dining here the past week, it was New Year’s Eve
Now I know that in the Sims universe things are different, still this baffled me while reading that its so sunny on the 31th of December. Now that I think about it, it makes sense in the sims universe still, the sun being so stressed before, I just stopped reading for a second ^^
I love the image of being pulled into the depths by an achor. It really fits, though I when they were swimming in the lake I really thought that she was thinking of drowning herself (going into the depths). Not sure if that was what you wanted.
I love how Lola ponders about the possible painting of herself. I feel is shows her self reflection quite well.
3. How do you feel about Lola's predicament, is it relatable/believable? If so/not why?
I didn't read the context chapters but I don't know why Lola doesn't suggest a move to Dany. If she doesn't want to live in Starlight shores anymore then how about a change?
4. Is there anything else you think is noteworthy, either praise or criticism, that you picked up on when reading?
Praise praise praise ^^ I can't believe how well you fleshed out Lola's "depression" I could never write about it like that.
@Julyvee94 thank you so much!
As for the sun, they're in Isla Paradiso so in my head it's summer all year round
I tend to let my characters do their thing and I just manage around it so right now I'm not sure what Lola wants but I feel it'll impact her family whichever way she goes. I'm glad you think I conveyed her depression well, it's something I really wanted to take care of.
I also asked Cathy this, what did you think (or did you even notice) of the writing being almost dark and sad but the images looking like something from a honeymoon/summer vacation?
Thanks again for your feedback, it's much appreciated
@Lizzie1234 Oh well I didn't conciously notice, I have to admit. But now that you say it, that is of course a good imagery, even it was only subconcious to me
EDIT: Oh my I totally misunderstood the term images in your question xD I thought this was about writing images not the screenshots sorry
I also wanted to say that now that @aroseinbloom has pointed it out, I also wonder how Clarissa can accept Geoffrey's love for Nancy so easily... I mean if I knew that my boyfriend still had feelings for his ex I would be really sad about it :P It would totally make me feel like I was not good enough for him to forget his ex.
But somehow, while reading, I didn't get startled by this at all :P Must be Cathy's great writing style that makes it so easy.
@Lizzie1234 Oh well I didn't conciously notice, I have to admit. But now that you say it, that is of course a good imagery, even it was only subconcious to me
EDIT: Oh my I totally misunderstood the term images in your question xD I thought this was about writing images not the screenshots sorry
Haha no worries, so did you notice it with the screenshots? Sorry I didn't see how far you edited your post
@Lizzie1234 Oh well I didn't conciously notice, I have to admit. But now that you say it, that is of course a good imagery, even it was only subconcious to me
EDIT: Oh my I totally misunderstood the term images in your question xD I thought this was about writing images not the screenshots sorry
Haha no worries, so did you notice it with the screenshots? Sorry I didn't see how far you edited your post
Well THAT post was referring to screenshots My original one with the questions, no
Hi, all! It's time for a little bit of organizing work for our Writers' Workship
Please let me know about the following, so that we can keep our sessions on track.
1) Are you participating in this round of feedback? If so, by when does it work well for you to respond to the questions about "Across the Canyon"? Can you do this by Wednesday, or do you need to take until Friday?
The reason I'm asking is because the writer (that would be me!) needs to wait until all the responses are in before I join the conversation. Also, you may want to have time to discuss your views with each other, too.
2) We will have a second piece submitted for this week soon. Will you also be able to provide feedback on that?
3) Would you like to have your work scheduled for receiving feedback? If so, during which week? (Please provide a few options so I can fit everyone in.)
4) Any questions about the process and organization that we need to address? Or any other questions?
Thanks, guys!
Only just saw this!
1) I'm afraid not sorry, today I'm out for most of the day and tomorrow is a very nervous day for me since I get my exam results.
2) Yes! I think I'll be able to do the next one
3) I'm not sure, I don't have anything I'd like to be workshopped at the moment but once I do I'll come back!
4) nope
Origin ID: SummerFalls House: Ravenclaw/Wampus - Wand: Alder wood with Unicorn hair core 10 ¾" and Slightly Springy flexibility - Patronus: Neblung Cat
| Simblr | Youtube | I love creating sims! |
Well THAT post was referring to screenshots My original one with the questions, no
Ok now I'm with it haha, still half asleep I didn't do it on purpose but did realise that the initial storyline was just a happy holiday and the photos fit feeling quite impressed with myself now lol
Hi, all! It's time for a little bit of organizing work for our Writers' Workship
Please let me know about the following, so that we can keep our sessions on track.
1) Are you participating in this round of feedback? If so, by when does it work well for you to respond to the questions about "Across the Canyon"? Can you do this by Wednesday, or do you need to take until Friday?
The reason I'm asking is because the writer (that would be me!) needs to wait until all the responses are in before I join the conversation. Also, you may want to have time to discuss your views with each other, too.
2) We will have a second piece submitted for this week soon. Will you also be able to provide feedback on that?
3) Would you like to have your work scheduled for receiving feedback? If so, during which week? (Please provide a few options so I can fit everyone in.)
4) Any questions about the process and organization that we need to address? Or any other questions?
Thanks, guys!
So sorry! I'm horrible at keeping up with everything. I'll do yours today and the other one some other day this week. I don't have anything to submit right now. I just have a few extremely rough drafts that need to be edited.
1. Do you get drawn into this world (and mood) as you read this story? If so, at what point in the story did you find yourself "in it"? And, at what points did you pop out of the world of the story? What, in your view, caused you to pop out?
I was in this world from the beginning. I read the previous chapter with the wedding and had the same feeling, the emotions and the imagery they encompass just draw you right in. I couldn't get out if I tried, and that's a good thing
2. What are your feelings towards the characters in this chapter? Do any seem unbelievable? If so, why? As much as possible, describe what led towards your feelings about these characters.
Clarissa is believable, but I find it very difficult to relate to her or sympathise with her as a natural pessimist myself. I find her very intriguing as a character and the way she approaches a relationship with Nancy, claiming that 'this divide doesn't need to exist.' I feel some sympathy for her about her old friend and how she struggles to connect with people when she wants to most, but I can't help thinking she is trying to force friendships and shouldn't be. I also can't possibly fathom how a woman can wholeheartedly accept that her husband is still very much in love with his ex and possibly more so than her. She's very intriguing!
Nancy is also believable, her 'bitter edge' is something I like about her. I grew to like her in the previous chapter at the wedding and she was credible from the start of that chapter. What drew me in about Nancy is that, although she hung up on Clarissa and was quite cold with her, she did call Malcolm and make sure he called Clarissa about staying the weekend. I can't quite decide if it's a natural maturity by Nancy or perhaps regret over the way she spoke on the phone.
3. What seems to be the theme of this chapter? Can you see that theme being carried out and explored in a novel-length work?
In this particular chapter the theme seems to be one of 'connection' or rather, the lack thereof. I feel like the theme could be further explored and I'd love to see it done concerning Clarissa since I find it incredibly difficult to understand, like Nancy, how she seems to know no cynicism and finds it so easy to be happy.
4. What are the major tensions in this chapter? What potential for resolution is there?
The stark contrast of personalities in Nancy and Clarissa are cause for major tension here, but also the mystery surrounding both their natures. I think their tension is key to the piece, but if it were to be resolved it would take a lot of in-depth analysis for both parties. Nancy's bitterness and Clarissa's lack of jealousy, bitterness and, well, any negative emotion would need exploring much further. I personally wouldn't see the tension as needing to be resolved.
5. What major images stand out? How might these images serve as symbols? What are they symbols of, and how do these symbols connect with the chapter's theme?
One image I picked up on was that of the deep purple of the shadow and that drew me straight back to the colours Nancy was painting with at the end of the previous chapter. I definitely felt like this shadow is a symbol of Clarissa's struggles to connect with Nancy. Especially as when she realises her words sound empty "the purple of the shadow deepened into black, right in the center", relating back to her comment about depth and what can't be seen; such as the darkness of the shadow. I feel like the word 'edge' pops up a lot, describing Linda and Nancy and the realisation that she it is an impossible friendship.
6. Were there any sentences or phrases that felt awkward or that caused you to pause as a reader? If so, which ones? What suggestions do you have?
I felt that the chapter flowed quite nicely; I only stopped at the sentence "Something about depth, she told herself, and what can’t be seen" because it intrigued me.
7. I'd love to hear your general responses: strengths, what might be improved, as well as your personal feelings of engagement and lack thereof.
I really enjoyed this chapter and felt like your language is very evocative of the emotions and themes, but also quite provocative in terms of intriguing the reader. My own lack of engagement with Clarissa is one I'm sure other readers that are more like her would find with Nancy, I don't feel like it is a weakness of your writing but more a strength. You definitely made Clarissa just as real and believable as the others. Great work!
@Lizzie1234 great that you found the theme was connection too then I am at least sure that I didnt plum something together I really wonder, you and Rose immediately said it was weird that Clarissa accepted Geoffreys feelings for Nancy somehow when I first read I didnt mind that at all. Maybe I'm weird or cathys writing just made it so easy to accept
4. What are the major tensions in this chapter? What potential for resolution is there?
The tensions were not major to me and I liked that, perhaps some might feel your handling too light, but it was realistic and that is the important part. Far too often Sim Lit gets an over the top sense of drama that moves the beautiful into the tacky. However, I do realize that my cup of tea is not everyone’s and I may be in a minority. Everything feels resolved, Clarissa’s feelings were all addressed and felt complete, perhaps less closure would be nice, the ending of the chapter felt like the ending of a television season and I felt completely satisfied not reading further, which I admit I have not yet. Perhaps this is a bad thing, but I personally don’t always want to feel like I have to read the next part right now by creating artificial tension. I’m curious as to your thoughts regarding the way you ended the chapter? Was Malcom calling needed? Would perhaps having her merely checking her phone and realizing that no one is calling be better to leave a bit of tension there be better as that seems to be what you are aiming for?
In the spirit of sparking a discussion, when you say everything is resolved how do you feel about Nancy? Because I'm sat here trying to decipher her apparent bitterness towards Clarissa and maybe I'm reading too much into it but I'm just curious as to how you'd fit that in concerning the tension?
@Lizzie1234 great that you found the theme was connection too then I am at least sure that I didnt plum something together I really wonder, you and Rose immediately said it was weird that Clarissa accepted Geoffreys feelings for Nancy somehow when I first read I didnt mind that at all. Maybe I'm weird or cathys writing just made it so easy to accept
Haha well there's no right or wrong answer but yeah I did feel like that was a key theme
Well I personally just wouldn't and I immediately put my own personality next to that of a character and compare them. I like Nancy's sass and edginess, and was happy she made the call to Malcolm even after hinting that she wouldn't. But I just can't understand Clarissa's motives aha - you're not weird but I do feel the opposite. I guess that Cathy's writing actually made it harder for me to accept it because it was from Clarissa's point of view and that is just not one I can relate to.
@Lizzie1234 great that you found the theme was connection too then I am at least sure that I didnt plum something together I really wonder, you and Rose immediately said it was weird that Clarissa accepted Geoffreys feelings for Nancy somehow when I first read I didnt mind that at all. Maybe I'm weird or cathys writing just made it so easy to accept
You know...I suppose it is also my own tendencies towards jealousy that pulled me to notice this. I'm not sure that I mind it, it's just that I question its authenticity. I would very much like it to be true, but my experience with it is that it's hard.
For example, my partner's father passed away several years ago. His mother has since remarried. When she got remarried one of her stipulations (if you'll call it that) was that she will still be buried next to her late husband. In this case, her new husband is entirely accepting and understanding of the situation. This I understand--the man passed away and the deep love between the two of them still exists.
My parents, though...that's a different story. My mom doesn't much care to talk to my dad's wife. And my dad doesn't much care to talk to my step-dad.
I am very open to the fact that love lasts and that those we once loved are people who, if the love is authentic, stay with us. Still...I think I would have trouble deeply accepting a love that my husband held for another woman--especially because I feel like its described it a bit and personal way.
You know...I suppose it is also my own tendencies towards jealousy that pulled me to notice this. I'm not sure that I mind it, it's just that I question its authenticity. I would very much like it to be true, but my experience with it is that it's hard.
Yeah this is where I'm coming from, when in relationship and there's either confirmation of or suspicion that one of you is not quite over an old flame, it's not something I could readily accept nor would I expect it of my other half. Authenticity is the word I was looking for to describe my feelings towards Clarissa, she is believable but I'm not sure her feelings towards Geoffery's love for Nancy are authentic.
First, before I answer the questions, I adore the title 8bit Heart. Amazing! I would for sure read something with that title! Also, I love the WordPress theme you're using--it really seems to fit the mood of the piece. And I love that little serif font!
I really like the sentence structure of the first sentence--it invites me to read with leisure, and I love sentences that don't tell me, "You're going to have to hurry." This one tells me, "You can take your time. Savor. Enjoy."
What are your thoughts on the piece as a whole from a reader's perspective?
I love it! I love the underdog, technogeek, girl-gamer bit. I'm a huge sucker for that type of story. And Avery draws me right in. I love her from the first sentence.
What do you think of the topic? Overdone? Heavy-handed? Etc.
Spot on. I love it. It's a trope, for sure, but one I love every time, and Avery seems unique, so I don't feel like it's a story I've read before. I'm hooked.
Does this type of story need more pictures?
Yes.
I'd love it if the piece opened with a screenshot of her reading her email on the computer. That way, I know how to visualize her. Otherwise, if it opens just with words, I form my own visualization of her as I read your text and descriptions, and then I need to revise those once I see what she looks like.
Same with your introductions of the male characters--I'd like to see a screenshot of each before your paragraph describing them.
So I want to see each character before I read the description, so that I don't have to revise my mental image of each.
I also find myself super curious about the layout--the physical space--of the gaming/tv studio, so I'd love to get my sense of place through screenshots.
What can be discerned regarding Avery's personality thus far?
She's awesome. Witty. Strong. A little--ok, very--wilty flower. Incredibly smart. Way too ambitious! Innocent. Probably has very few friends. She's accustomed to not being taken seriously, then blowing everyone away with her intelligence and abilities, and then finding that everyone who originally belittled her is now intimidated by her.
She hasn't had experience with boys or men.
She's a daddy's girl.
She has incredible belief in herself, and it's well-founded.
Thoughts on writing styles used? I wasn't able to keep it consistent and I'm not sure which is better.
It felt consistent to me. The only variations are in dialogue or when you move into point of view, which is appropriate. I was drawn in from your first sentence, and the prose and sentence structure worked really well for me.
Please help me with my atrocious grammar.
I didn't see any problems with your grammar. Your sentence structure is fantastic--effective variety, and you use clauses and phrases beautifully. I didn't read this with my editor's glasses, but no typos stood out to me. And the conventions of standard American written English all seemed fine. It's strong.
From what you can see so far which male seems like he'd have the more interesting personality and why?
I like Kenji. Just because. I like the name.
Does it seem like it should be shorter or longer and why?
Length is perfect! I like this length for blog chapters. I can read them in my coffee break, and it leaves me wanting more, and there's also enough there that I can enjoy thinking about it until the next chapter comes out!
Well, sorry I don't have suggestions for improvement! Add the screenshots, and I'll feel this is perfection!
I do love it and want to read the whole thing. In one sitting. (which is what I'd do if I came upon this when it was finished.)
Comments
Okay...for these questions
1) Yes. Posted!
2) I can and will provide feedback, but not until after Wednesday.
3) I think my work is scheduled for next week...that would work perfectly for me. If it doesn't for you all, I can offer something else and we can do that whenever!
4) It's working for me. The biggest thing is just making sure that I do have that full week. I like to plan out a time to read the work once, just as is. Then I go back, with the questions in mind and read it again. And then again before I start to write.
Thanks!
Discord: #5153
Cool! Let us know when it's posted there with your questions, and then those of us who are ready and available to pop over can do so!
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
Apologies, I just saw this @CathyTea , whenever you can get around to me is fine. I am in no rush at the moment.
Rebuild | Rebuild Vol. 2
Even more bonuses, we can see how many responses there are total, take a look at how things are split, and perhaps in the future do the week split so that people get feedback faster? I mean in workshops in college you do have to wait a week usually, however, that is one of the downfalls of having it done that way, the wait time, the anxiety, the tension. As romantic as it might be for some people, I think that us doing this online and more importantly on a forum we should embrace the speed that we are allowed due to the beauty of the internet.
And it'll allow more discourse and the like during the weekend when/if needed.
For example:
Sunday/Monday/Tuesday (author can talk)- First person
Wednesday/Thursday/Friday (author can talk) - Second person
Saturday - everything along with the posting of the next pieces.
Or something like that.
Follow me on Twitter, I follow back.
Have a Simblr?
is it wrong thati know feedbackers isn't a real word but i love it.
It's for a series I'd been pondering on for awhile now and it is called 8bit Heart.
Questions for the Feedbackers (
Follow me on Twitter, I follow back.
Have a Simblr?
Overall, Lola was believable to me, especially that she tried to hide her feelings from Danny. There was only one thing that startled me
And I couldn’t explain why. I had no idea, but I felt like my maternal instinct had flown the nest, along with every other positive emotion I had ever known. It was almost as if since love was so complicated and difficult as much as it was glorious, something allowed it to remain.
As the chapter mentions, Lola feels like her love for Danny is still there but everything else has left. What about the love for her children? Isn't that love too? In that context, I don't get why Danny's love gets to stay but the motherly love not.
It also bothers me a bit that Lola is thinking about her lack of maternal instinct. Does that just go away? Isn't motherly love normally very strong? It somehow makes me dislike her, even in the context.
2. What is your impression of the images used and the prose that surrounds each image? Does anything stand out to you? If so/not why?
The sun was high in the sky, a brazen orange in its own ocean of turquoise. Danny and I sat under it for brunch at the local bistro, their delicacies were too good to miss. We had been dining here the past week, it was New Year’s Eve
Now I know that in the Sims universe things are different, still this baffled me while reading that its so sunny on the 31th of December. Now that I think about it, it makes sense in the sims universe still, the sun being so stressed before, I just stopped reading for a second ^^
I love the image of being pulled into the depths by an achor. It really fits, though I when they were swimming in the lake I really thought that she was thinking of drowning herself (going into the depths). Not sure if that was what you wanted.
I love how Lola ponders about the possible painting of herself. I feel is shows her self reflection quite well.
3. How do you feel about Lola's predicament, is it relatable/believable? If so/not why?
I didn't read the context chapters but I don't know why Lola doesn't suggest a move to Dany. If she doesn't want to live in Starlight shores anymore then how about a change?
4. Is there anything else you think is noteworthy, either praise or criticism, that you picked up on when reading?
Praise praise praise ^^ I can't believe how well you fleshed out Lola's "depression" I could never write about it like that.
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As for the sun, they're in Isla Paradiso so in my head it's summer all year round
I tend to let my characters do their thing and I just manage around it so right now I'm not sure what Lola wants but I feel it'll impact her family whichever way she goes. I'm glad you think I conveyed her depression well, it's something I really wanted to take care of.
I also asked Cathy this, what did you think (or did you even notice) of the writing being almost dark and sad but the images looking like something from a honeymoon/summer vacation?
Thanks again for your feedback, it's much appreciated
EDIT: Oh my I totally misunderstood the term images in your question xD I thought this was about writing images not the screenshots
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Origin ID: Julyvee94
But somehow, while reading, I didn't get startled by this at all :P Must be Cathy's great writing style that makes it so easy.
Until It Breaks (Complete!) | Tribe Arayeo | Discovery (Complete!) | Vee is for Vortex
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Origin ID: Julyvee94
Haha no worries, so did you notice it with the screenshots? Sorry I didn't see how far you edited your post
Well THAT post was referring to screenshots
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Only just saw this!
1) I'm afraid not sorry, today I'm out for most of the day and tomorrow is a very nervous day for me since I get my exam results.
2) Yes! I think I'll be able to do the next one
3) I'm not sure, I don't have anything I'd like to be workshopped at the moment but once I do I'll come back!
4) nope
Origin ID: SummerFalls
House: Ravenclaw/Wampus - Wand: Alder wood with Unicorn hair core 10 ¾" and Slightly Springy flexibility - Patronus: Neblung Cat
| Simblr | Youtube | I love creating sims! |
So sorry! I'm horrible at keeping up with everything. I'll do yours today and the other one some other day this week. I don't have anything to submit right now. I just have a few extremely rough drafts that need to be edited.
1. Do you get drawn into this world (and mood) as you read this story? If so, at what point in the story did you find yourself "in it"? And, at what points did you pop out of the world of the story? What, in your view, caused you to pop out?
I was in this world from the beginning. I read the previous chapter with the wedding and had the same feeling, the emotions and the imagery they encompass just draw you right in. I couldn't get out if I tried, and that's a good thing
2. What are your feelings towards the characters in this chapter? Do any seem unbelievable? If so, why? As much as possible, describe what led towards your feelings about these characters.
Clarissa is believable, but I find it very difficult to relate to her or sympathise with her as a natural pessimist myself. I find her very intriguing as a character and the way she approaches a relationship with Nancy, claiming that 'this divide doesn't need to exist.' I feel some sympathy for her about her old friend and how she struggles to connect with people when she wants to most, but I can't help thinking she is trying to force friendships and shouldn't be. I also can't possibly fathom how a woman can wholeheartedly accept that her husband is still very much in love with his ex and possibly more so than her. She's very intriguing!
Nancy is also believable, her 'bitter edge' is something I like about her. I grew to like her in the previous chapter at the wedding and she was credible from the start of that chapter. What drew me in about Nancy is that, although she hung up on Clarissa and was quite cold with her, she did call Malcolm and make sure he called Clarissa about staying the weekend. I can't quite decide if it's a natural maturity by Nancy or perhaps regret over the way she spoke on the phone.
3. What seems to be the theme of this chapter? Can you see that theme being carried out and explored in a novel-length work?
In this particular chapter the theme seems to be one of 'connection' or rather, the lack thereof. I feel like the theme could be further explored and I'd love to see it done concerning Clarissa since I find it incredibly difficult to understand, like Nancy, how she seems to know no cynicism and finds it so easy to be happy.
4. What are the major tensions in this chapter? What potential for resolution is there?
The stark contrast of personalities in Nancy and Clarissa are cause for major tension here, but also the mystery surrounding both their natures. I think their tension is key to the piece, but if it were to be resolved it would take a lot of in-depth analysis for both parties. Nancy's bitterness and Clarissa's lack of jealousy, bitterness and, well, any negative emotion would need exploring much further. I personally wouldn't see the tension as needing to be resolved.
5. What major images stand out? How might these images serve as symbols? What are they symbols of, and how do these symbols connect with the chapter's theme?
One image I picked up on was that of the deep purple of the shadow and that drew me straight back to the colours Nancy was painting with at the end of the previous chapter. I definitely felt like this shadow is a symbol of Clarissa's struggles to connect with Nancy. Especially as when she realises her words sound empty "the purple of the shadow deepened into black, right in the center", relating back to her comment about depth and what can't be seen; such as the darkness of the shadow. I feel like the word 'edge' pops up a lot, describing Linda and Nancy and the realisation that she it is an impossible friendship.
6. Were there any sentences or phrases that felt awkward or that caused you to pause as a reader? If so, which ones? What suggestions do you have?
I felt that the chapter flowed quite nicely; I only stopped at the sentence "Something about depth, she told herself, and what can’t be seen" because it intrigued me.
7. I'd love to hear your general responses: strengths, what might be improved, as well as your personal feelings of engagement and lack thereof.
I really enjoyed this chapter and felt like your language is very evocative of the emotions and themes, but also quite provocative in terms of intriguing the reader. My own lack of engagement with Clarissa is one I'm sure other readers that are more like her would find with Nancy, I don't feel like it is a weakness of your writing but more a strength. You definitely made Clarissa just as real and believable as the others. Great work!
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In the spirit of sparking a discussion, when you say everything is resolved how do you feel about Nancy? Because I'm sat here trying to decipher her apparent bitterness towards Clarissa and maybe I'm reading too much into it but I'm just curious as to how you'd fit that in concerning the tension?
Well I personally just wouldn't and I immediately put my own personality next to that of a character and compare them. I like Nancy's sass and edginess, and was happy she made the call to Malcolm even after hinting that she wouldn't. But I just can't understand Clarissa's motives aha - you're not weird but I do feel the opposite. I guess that Cathy's writing actually made it harder for me to accept it because it was from Clarissa's point of view and that is just not one I can relate to.
You know...I suppose it is also my own tendencies towards jealousy that pulled me to notice this. I'm not sure that I mind it, it's just that I question its authenticity. I would very much like it to be true, but my experience with it is that it's hard.
For example, my partner's father passed away several years ago. His mother has since remarried. When she got remarried one of her stipulations (if you'll call it that) was that she will still be buried next to her late husband. In this case, her new husband is entirely accepting and understanding of the situation. This I understand--the man passed away and the deep love between the two of them still exists.
My parents, though...that's a different story. My mom doesn't much care to talk to my dad's wife. And my dad doesn't much care to talk to my step-dad.
I am very open to the fact that love lasts and that those we once loved are people who, if the love is authentic, stay with us. Still...I think I would have trouble deeply accepting a love that my husband held for another woman--especially because I feel like its described it a bit and personal way.
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First, before I answer the questions, I adore the title 8bit Heart. Amazing! I would for sure read something with that title! Also, I love the WordPress theme you're using--it really seems to fit the mood of the piece. And I love that little serif font!
I really like the sentence structure of the first sentence--it invites me to read with leisure, and I love sentences that don't tell me, "You're going to have to hurry." This one tells me, "You can take your time. Savor. Enjoy."
What are your thoughts on the piece as a whole from a reader's perspective?
I love it! I love the underdog, technogeek, girl-gamer bit. I'm a huge sucker for that type of story. And Avery draws me right in. I love her from the first sentence.
What do you think of the topic? Overdone? Heavy-handed? Etc.
Spot on. I love it. It's a trope, for sure, but one I love every time, and Avery seems unique, so I don't feel like it's a story I've read before. I'm hooked.
Does this type of story need more pictures?
Yes.
I'd love it if the piece opened with a screenshot of her reading her email on the computer. That way, I know how to visualize her. Otherwise, if it opens just with words, I form my own visualization of her as I read your text and descriptions, and then I need to revise those once I see what she looks like.
Same with your introductions of the male characters--I'd like to see a screenshot of each before your paragraph describing them.
So I want to see each character before I read the description, so that I don't have to revise my mental image of each.
I also find myself super curious about the layout--the physical space--of the gaming/tv studio, so I'd love to get my sense of place through screenshots.
What can be discerned regarding Avery's personality thus far?
She's awesome. Witty. Strong. A little--ok, very--wilty flower. Incredibly smart. Way too ambitious! Innocent. Probably has very few friends. She's accustomed to not being taken seriously, then blowing everyone away with her intelligence and abilities, and then finding that everyone who originally belittled her is now intimidated by her.
She hasn't had experience with boys or men.
She's a daddy's girl.
She has incredible belief in herself, and it's well-founded.
Thoughts on writing styles used? I wasn't able to keep it consistent and I'm not sure which is better.
It felt consistent to me. The only variations are in dialogue or when you move into point of view, which is appropriate. I was drawn in from your first sentence, and the prose and sentence structure worked really well for me.
Please help me with my atrocious grammar.
I didn't see any problems with your grammar. Your sentence structure is fantastic--effective variety, and you use clauses and phrases beautifully. I didn't read this with my editor's glasses, but no typos stood out to me. And the conventions of standard American written English all seemed fine. It's strong.
From what you can see so far which male seems like he'd have the more interesting personality and why?
I like Kenji. Just because. I like the name.
Does it seem like it should be shorter or longer and why?
Length is perfect! I like this length for blog chapters. I can read them in my coffee break, and it leaves me wanting more, and there's also enough there that I can enjoy thinking about it until the next chapter comes out!
Well, sorry I don't have suggestions for improvement! Add the screenshots, and I'll feel this is perfection!
I do love it and want to read the whole thing. In one sitting. (which is what I'd do if I came upon this when it was finished.)
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!