This is for Lizzie's story "Homecoming." Can't wait for you all to read and provide your responses so that we can discuss it together! You're in for a treat!
1. What is your impression of the characters and their relationship?
Oh, the whole package: great chemistry, nearly telepathic connection, misunderstandings, lots of pride on both party's sides, and a feeling (with each) that they're destined to be together and they'll love each other forever! And whenever they do get together, it's stormy one minute, sunny the next! And they both get addicted to that.
3. Did the lack of screenshots and (detailed) description impact your impression of the emotions conveyed? How?
It didn't impact my impression of the emotions--in fact it might have enhanced that, for I was able to imagine their expressions, body language, and the light from their eyes.
I did find myself looking for and wanting pictures about mid-way through, mostly because I just wanted to see what they looked like! I wanted an aid to my visualization. If you opt not to include photos, then at some point (either in this chapter or in an earlier one), I'd love more descriptions: color of skin, shape of face, that type of thing. I really loved the description of the pjs! Actually, I found myself wanting a screenshot then, because I like the way thin, muscular Sims look in baggy pj bottoms--gray plaid, especially!
4. If you were to choose the most prominent emotion in this piece, what would it be and why?
Probably a mixture of hurt and anger--I know, it's not one emotion, but there is that special mix of hurt and anger that lovers feel when they each feel that the other has rejected them: that's the flavor I got here. I also picked up that this flavor has become delicious to both of them. They seem to relish the hurt--and also the anger. It will take a lot for them to be willing to give up that flavor for another one (like love), and even if they do, I imagine they'll want to sample this flavor again and again.
5. Does this piece make you want to read on?
Oh, yes! It's addicting! I'd read this all afternoon and late into the night if I were to come upon a book written like this! It's delicious!
5. What is your general impression of the story so far? Feel free to ask any questions.
I love it! In SimLit, we often rely on the images to provide transitions, a sense of grounding, and to help us follow who's speaking and other shifts.
The way this was written, the spaces for those types of images are there. If you were to add screenshots, I don't think any real revision would be needed.
Without screenshots, I'd want a few more reader cues to be able to follow who is speaking, where we are, and other types of contextual elements and shifts. Some of this can be done by starting new paragraphs when you switch speakers, and I can provide more specific feedback on this, if you're interested and feel you won't be adding screenshot.
Really great story--I'm hooked and want to read more.
Hi, everyone! I've updated the third post on the front page with schedule, schedule process, and also with the writer's questions. Please remember that we want to provide our responses to Lizzie's work soon! You're in for a treat in reading it!
And if you haven't yet read Rosey's piece, please read it soon, too! It's also a delicious treat!
As a reader (not a workshopper) I really like this pairing of pieces this week. There's something very satisfying about each to me, and they go well together!
So, neither yesterday nor today went as I had planned, and I still haven't read Muse's and Lizzie's pieces. I will get to them as soon as possible, but please don't stop the show for me.
Sorry guys I'm still ill, so no Feedback from me this week. I'm in bed with headache and reading and typing so much on my phone is too hard. You can postpone my piece for Workshop since I can't provide any Feedback this week. September 7th woud be alright. Sorry again
Sorry guys I'm still ill, so no Feedback from me this week. I'm in bed with headache and reading and typing so much on my phone is too hard. You can postpone my piece for Workshop since I can't provide any Feedback this week. September 7th woud be alright. Sorry again
So sorry you're still feeling poorly, July. Hope you feel better soon. Green tea?
I thoroughly enjoyed the piece. The fact that it was about a girl gamer got my attention quickly. I used to compete in MLG tourneys so I was rooting for Avery because of that alone.
Whether intentional or not, I love this angle of a girl trying to prove herself in a man's world. It's not overdone or like it's trying too hard, which can happen with this kind of theme, it's very well placed. Also this is the first story I've come across with a girl-gamer at the heart of it, that might be me being narrow-minded in my reading of course, but I do think it's unique and you've done it very well.
I agree, Lizzie! Because it's not overdone, Avery seems very confident. I'm already expecting her to come out a winner.
It is such a great setting for a story, isn't it? What kind of expectations do you have as a reader?
I'm hoping for competition between Avery and the guy gamers, myself... and it would be really interesting to get inside looks at gaming.
What can be discerned regarding Avery's personality thus far?
I gathered that Avery is a smart girl, very nerdy (or geeky) and it seemed like she has a hint of a competitive spirit towards the end there. She and her father seem to have a great relationship from what I could see.
She's confident and sassy and I love that. But she also has a bit of innocence regarding boys and possibly romance on the whole, which is endearing to say the least. Her intelligence and determination will definitely be her strengths in this series.
Great qualities for a protagonist, don't you think?
I'm also wondering what types of character flaws we might see as the story continues--I'm expecting there could be a few things that complicate the romantic plot lines.
I guess the lack of experience with boys and romance could certainly complicate things--also I'd love to see her confidence come up. It's tough to be a confident woman--at least it can be when romance comes up--so I'm interested in seeing how this enters in.
From what you can see so far which male seems like he'd have the more interesting personality and why?
I think I'd say Joseph Stevens just because his talent and charisma suggest he could be a charmer; sleazy or genuine I don't know. But I think putting him in a room with Avery could be very interesting
I really found all the guy gamers interesting.
I liked the other guy, so it's cool, Muse--you've got readers pulling for each!
Being a romantic match-maker, I immediately started imagining Avery with each of them. It would be neat if, say, two-thirds into the entire series some wild-card (like a good-looking girl gamer) came into the mix.
Looks like we can begin discussing @capturedmuse 's piece amongst ourselves...
It is such a great setting for a story, isn't it? What kind of expectations do you have as a reader?
I'm hoping for competition between Avery and the guy gamers, myself... and it would be really interesting to get inside looks at gaming.
I'm definitely expecting foul play between gamers as they try to beat each other. I'm worried one aspect of that might be one of the guys charming Avery under false pretences and I am hoping for a happy sassy ending!
I'm also wondering what types of character flaws we might see as the story continues--I'm expecting there could be a few things that complicate the romantic plot lines.
I guess the lack of experience with boys and romance could certainly complicate things--also I'd love to see her confidence come up. It's tough to be a confident woman--at least it can be when romance comes up--so I'm interested in seeing how this enters in.
I agree, things could get complicated with three guys and a very confident but naive girl! Also the competition is bound to ignite heightened emotions!
I liked the other guy, so it's cool, Muse--you've got readers pulling for each!
Being a romantic match-maker, I immediately started imagining Avery with each of them. It would be neat if, say, two-thirds into the entire series some wild-card (like a good-looking girl gamer) came into the mix.
Same--perfect appetizer. Left me wanting more. I'd binge-read if the whole thing were available.
Ok, @capturedmuse -- looks like we loved your piece!
Do you have questions for us or anything you'd like to follow up on?
I definitely took the romantic outlook but wouldn't mind if Avery came away single, I think she's smart enough to know she doesn't need a man just yet. But she might not be smart enough to resist a man she wants. Great work muse!!
@Lizzie1234 It's neat to see how she's got us hooked already!
You know, I'm with you--I'd love to see her come away single! Or with a girl gamer!
Yeah it's definitely an aspiration of mine to be able to do that with my writing!
Haha yes, perfect!
Oh, you're doing that with your writing, Lizzie! That chapter you've submitted for workshopping has me hooked, for sure! Just that one chapter, and now I want to read the whole thing!
I always spin out entire plots when I can't go through and read the whole thing at one sitting, so I've got a plot spun for yours already!
Oh, you're doing that with your writing, Lizzie! That chapter you've submitted for workshopping has me hooked, for sure! Just that one chapter, and now I want to read the whole thing!
I always spin out entire plots when I can't go through and read the whole thing at one sitting, so I've got a plot spun for yours already!
Aw wow thank you! Sorry I didn't respond to your feedback I wanted to wait until you guys had all commented and discussed
Haha you have more than I do then! But I can tell you it's a decent starting point for a legacy I think, but I have a lot of legacy stories just starting because I keep getting ideas like these! I almost wish I could weave that kind of chemistry between characters into my current stories but for some reason they're always new characters with unique backstories. It's the kinda chemistry that makes all my other writing that's non SimLit but I just can't make the transfer haha!
Oh, you're doing that with your writing, Lizzie! That chapter you've submitted for workshopping has me hooked, for sure! Just that one chapter, and now I want to read the whole thing!
I always spin out entire plots when I can't go through and read the whole thing at one sitting, so I've got a plot spun for yours already!
Aw wow thank you! Sorry I didn't respond to your feedback I wanted to wait until you guys had all commented and discussed
Haha you have more than I do then! But I can tell you it's a decent starting point for a legacy I think, but I have a lot of legacy stories just starting because I keep getting ideas like these! I almost wish I could weave that kind of chemistry between characters into my current stories but for some reason they're always new characters with unique backstories. It's the kinda chemistry that makes all my other writing that's non SimLit but I just can't make the transfer haha!
Oooh! Let's follow up on this once everyone's commented on your story! I think this will be a really valuable discussion and one that also relates to Rosey's, too! I've got a few ideas/suggestions, but let's wait a bit and then remember to touch back upon this in a few days.
Oooh! Let's follow up on this once everyone's commented on your story! I think this will be a really valuable discussion and one that also relates to Rosey's, too! I've got a few ideas/suggestions, but let's wait a bit and then remember to touch back upon this in a few days.
I'm here, finally! Here's my answers for @capturedmuse. Sorry it's not much. I'll go look at everyone else responses and piggy back if anything comes to mind.
It's for a series I'd been pondering on for awhile now and it is called 8bit Heart.
Questions for the Feedbackers ( )
[*] What are your thoughts on the piece as a whole from a reader's perspective?
It's interesting. Definitely different! (the subject) I was a bit confused, though, about this show she's going on. I couldn't determine what kind of show it was. Like, at first I assumed it was some sort of competition because of her mention of wanting to be like a role model. But, then her father's comment (although facetious) made me think maybe she was acting in show/movie based on a game; or, maybe she was voice acting for a game character lol. Then when she got to the house, I settled on it being sort of reality show. Neither of those are probably correct, but that was my thought process.
[*] What do you think of the topic? Overdone? Heavy-handed? Etc.
I've never read a Sims story about this topic, so definitely not overdone. It's ironic I read this today on national women's rights day--or whatever it's called. I can relate to this a lot. One of my degrees in IT, so naturally my whole college experience and part of my career has been a struggle as a woman--a black woman at that! I'm interested to see where you take this.
[*] Does this type of story need more pictures?
It doesn't need pictures per se, but pictures are always welcomed if they're actually conveying something. I didn't really miss them in this piece. I saw most everything in my mind. Although, I felt like that one picture in the middle with her and the guys was out of place. I felt it should have come after the next paragraph so we could know what's going on and then see it. Seeing it first, I was like, "who are these dudes she's sitting with, and where is she?"
[*] What can be discerned regarding Avery's personality thus far?
She seems to be a very determined, hard working girl who likes/needs to be recognized for her talents/work/performance, etc.
[*] Thoughts on writing styles used? I wasn't able to keep it consistent and I'm not sure which is better.
I'm terribly sleepy right now, so I may have missed it, but where did you switch styles? It looks like the whole thing is told in the third person in the past tense.
[*] Please help me with my atrocious grammar.
Oh. Sorry. I wasn't paying much attention to the grammar. I tend to worry about grammar after I get the structure right.
[*] From what you can see so far which male seems like he'd have the more interesting personality and why?
You mean the other contestants? Not sure I know enough about them to really choose, but if I have to I'd say the last guy only because there was some foreshadowing at the end of his description and I would be curious to know what that's all about.
[*] Does it seem like it should be shorter or longer and why?
I appreciated the length. I love short chapters You don't need a bunch of words taking up space if you really only need a few.
Thanks everyone for your feedback and interesting ideas for the future. I had been thinking about letting readers submit a wildcard Sim to possibly join in as a challenger.
Yes, reality show, I've been playing around with ideas to expand on the premise a bit but for now it's simply a reality show about gamers.
As for her personality I'm really glad that people are liking her, I wasn't sure if she was going to come off too strong or not.
Thanks for all the feedback, I'll be sure to get all my feedback to the chapters for this week done asap. And special thanks to @CathyTea of course.
Thanks everyone for your feedback and interesting ideas for the future. I had been thinking about letting readers submit a wildcard Sim to possibly join in as a challenger.
Yes, reality show, I've been playing around with ideas to expand on the premise a bit but for now it's simply a reality show about gamers.
As for her personality I'm really glad that people are liking her, I wasn't sure if she was going to come off too strong or not.
Thanks for all the feedback, I'll be sure to get all my feedback to the chapters for this week done asap. And special thanks to @CathyTea of course.
I think this would make a great challenge/reality game story. It would be cool to work in video gaming as challenges! Maybe have the enter tournaments, and the highest winner wins.
What is your impression of the characters and their relationship?
I like them. I knew exactly what was going on with the first line, and I was like oooooh, jilted love, eh? lol
Did the lack of screenshots and (detailed) description impact your impression of the emotions conveyed? How?
Yes! I think the lack of screenshots made me convey their emotions more clearly because I could picture what was going on in my head--thanks to your description of the scene in between the dialogue.
HA! The only time I felt like I wanted a picture was when you were describing how gorgeous Sean was by the way his pants hung lol. But, of course...that was just me being lustfully nosey LOL.
If you were to choose the most prominent emotion in this piece, what would it be and why?
Hmmm...frustration...if that's even an emotion lol. There's all kinds of frustration here. There is frustration from the past; frustration from him trying to figure out what she's doing there; frustration from him interrupting her; frustration from her still loving him even though she doesn't want to.
Does this piece make you want to read on?
Honestly? It doesn't. I mean, I will lol, but it doesn't compel me to. I suppose because I feel like I know what's going to happen; it's familiar to me.
What is your general impression of the story so far? Feel free to ask any questions.
It's entertaining and has a good start. I mean, with characters named Jessica and Jade, it has to be good! lol (Jade is my awesome niece)
I loved that line that said "...he was exhausted and not because it was 3 a.m." It said so much with so little! Even though the story is familiar to me, I would still love to know about these two and what their story is behind all this frustration. Oh! And I love how the story just starts, like...BAM...we're in someone's conversation. I like quick starts. Scene development, character development, and all the stuff that many pieces start with bore me when it takes too long to get to the point.
@Jes2G@CathyTea thanks so much for your feedback guys, I'll get more into it later on when we have it all and have covered Rosey's stuff. But I would like to add that I have actually written a follow up piece called Opposition if you're interested. There are screenshots but I'm still experimenting with my decision to incorporate them. But this isn't for workshop per se more just in case you guys wanted to see
Comments
you would.
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
This is for Lizzie's story "Homecoming." Can't wait for you all to read and provide your responses so that we can discuss it together! You're in for a treat!
1. What is your impression of the characters and their relationship?
Oh, the whole package: great chemistry, nearly telepathic connection, misunderstandings, lots of pride on both party's sides, and a feeling (with each) that they're destined to be together and they'll love each other forever! And whenever they do get together, it's stormy one minute, sunny the next! And they both get addicted to that.
3. Did the lack of screenshots and (detailed) description impact your impression of the emotions conveyed? How?
It didn't impact my impression of the emotions--in fact it might have enhanced that, for I was able to imagine their expressions, body language, and the light from their eyes.
I did find myself looking for and wanting pictures about mid-way through, mostly because I just wanted to see what they looked like! I wanted an aid to my visualization. If you opt not to include photos, then at some point (either in this chapter or in an earlier one), I'd love more descriptions: color of skin, shape of face, that type of thing. I really loved the description of the pjs! Actually, I found myself wanting a screenshot then, because I like the way thin, muscular Sims look in baggy pj bottoms--gray plaid, especially!
4. If you were to choose the most prominent emotion in this piece, what would it be and why?
Probably a mixture of hurt and anger--I know, it's not one emotion, but there is that special mix of hurt and anger that lovers feel when they each feel that the other has rejected them: that's the flavor I got here. I also picked up that this flavor has become delicious to both of them. They seem to relish the hurt--and also the anger. It will take a lot for them to be willing to give up that flavor for another one (like love), and even if they do, I imagine they'll want to sample this flavor again and again.
5. Does this piece make you want to read on?
Oh, yes! It's addicting! I'd read this all afternoon and late into the night if I were to come upon a book written like this! It's delicious!
5. What is your general impression of the story so far? Feel free to ask any questions.
I love it! In SimLit, we often rely on the images to provide transitions, a sense of grounding, and to help us follow who's speaking and other shifts.
The way this was written, the spaces for those types of images are there. If you were to add screenshots, I don't think any real revision would be needed.
Without screenshots, I'd want a few more reader cues to be able to follow who is speaking, where we are, and other types of contextual elements and shifts. Some of this can be done by starting new paragraphs when you switch speakers, and I can provide more specific feedback on this, if you're interested and feel you won't be adding screenshot.
Really great story--I'm hooked and want to read more.
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
And if you haven't yet read Rosey's piece, please read it soon, too! It's also a delicious treat!
As a reader (not a workshopper) I really like this pairing of pieces this week. There's something very satisfying about each to me, and they go well together!
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
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So sorry you're still feeling poorly, July. Hope you feel better soon. Green tea?
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
I agree, Lizzie! Because it's not overdone, Avery seems very confident. I'm already expecting her to come out a winner.
It is such a great setting for a story, isn't it? What kind of expectations do you have as a reader?
I'm hoping for competition between Avery and the guy gamers, myself... and it would be really interesting to get inside looks at gaming.
Great qualities for a protagonist, don't you think?
I'm also wondering what types of character flaws we might see as the story continues--I'm expecting there could be a few things that complicate the romantic plot lines.
I guess the lack of experience with boys and romance could certainly complicate things--also I'd love to see her confidence come up. It's tough to be a confident woman--at least it can be when romance comes up--so I'm interested in seeing how this enters in.
I really found all the guy gamers interesting.
I liked the other guy, so it's cool, Muse--you've got readers pulling for each!
Being a romantic match-maker, I immediately started imagining Avery with each of them. It would be neat if, say, two-thirds into the entire series some wild-card (like a good-looking girl gamer) came into the mix.
Same--perfect appetizer. Left me wanting more. I'd binge-read if the whole thing were available.
Ok, @capturedmuse -- looks like we loved your piece!
Do you have questions for us or anything you'd like to follow up on?
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
I agree, things could get complicated with three guys and a very confident but naive girl! Also the competition is bound to ignite heightened emotions!
I definitely took the romantic outlook but wouldn't mind if Avery came away single, I think she's smart enough to know she doesn't need a man just yet. But she might not be smart enough to resist a man she wants. Great work muse!!
You know, I'm with you--I'd love to see her come away single! Or with a girl gamer!
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
Yeah it's definitely an aspiration of mine to be able to do that with my writing!
Haha yes, perfect!
Oh, you're doing that with your writing, Lizzie! That chapter you've submitted for workshopping has me hooked, for sure! Just that one chapter, and now I want to read the whole thing!
I always spin out entire plots when I can't go through and read the whole thing at one sitting, so I've got a plot spun for yours already!
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
Haha you have more than I do then! But I can tell you it's a decent starting point for a legacy I think, but I have a lot of legacy stories just starting because I keep getting ideas like these!
Oooh! Let's follow up on this once everyone's commented on your story! I think this will be a really valuable discussion and one that also relates to Rosey's, too! I've got a few ideas/suggestions, but let's wait a bit and then remember to touch back upon this in a few days.
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
It's for a series I'd been pondering on for awhile now and it is called 8bit Heart.
Questions for the Feedbackers (
[*] What are your thoughts on the piece as a whole from a reader's perspective?
It's interesting. Definitely different! (the subject) I was a bit confused, though, about this show she's going on. I couldn't determine what kind of show it was. Like, at first I assumed it was some sort of competition because of her mention of wanting to be like a role model. But, then her father's comment (although facetious) made me think maybe she was acting in show/movie based on a game; or, maybe she was voice acting for a game character lol. Then when she got to the house, I settled on it being sort of reality show. Neither of those are probably correct, but that was my thought process.
[*] What do you think of the topic? Overdone? Heavy-handed? Etc.
I've never read a Sims story about this topic, so definitely not overdone. It's ironic I read this today on national women's rights day--or whatever it's called. I can relate to this a lot. One of my degrees in IT, so naturally my whole college experience and part of my career has been a struggle as a woman--a black woman at that! I'm interested to see where you take this.
[*] Does this type of story need more pictures?
It doesn't need pictures per se, but pictures are always welcomed if they're actually conveying something. I didn't really miss them in this piece. I saw most everything in my mind. Although, I felt like that one picture in the middle with her and the guys was out of place. I felt it should have come after the next paragraph so we could know what's going on and then see it. Seeing it first, I was like, "who are these dudes she's sitting with, and where is she?"
[*] What can be discerned regarding Avery's personality thus far?
She seems to be a very determined, hard working girl who likes/needs to be recognized for her talents/work/performance, etc.
[*] Thoughts on writing styles used? I wasn't able to keep it consistent and I'm not sure which is better.
I'm terribly sleepy right now, so I may have missed it, but where did you switch styles? It looks like the whole thing is told in the third person in the past tense.
[*] Please help me with my atrocious grammar.
Oh. Sorry. I wasn't paying much attention to the grammar. I tend to worry about grammar after I get the structure right.
[*] From what you can see so far which male seems like he'd have the more interesting personality and why?
You mean the other contestants? Not sure I know enough about them to really choose, but if I have to I'd say the last guy only because there was some foreshadowing at the end of his description and I would be curious to know what that's all about.
[*] Does it seem like it should be shorter or longer and why?
I appreciated the length. I love short chapters
Yes, reality show, I've been playing around with ideas to expand on the premise a bit but for now it's simply a reality show about gamers.
As for her personality I'm really glad that people are liking her, I wasn't sure if she was going to come off too strong or not.
Thanks for all the feedback, I'll be sure to get all my feedback to the chapters for this week done asap. And special thanks to @CathyTea of course.
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I think this would make a great challenge/reality game story. It would be cool to work in video gaming as challenges! Maybe have the enter tournaments, and the highest winner wins.
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
What is your impression of the characters and their relationship?
I like them. I knew exactly what was going on with the first line, and I was like oooooh, jilted love, eh? lol
Did the lack of screenshots and (detailed) description impact your impression of the emotions conveyed? How?
Yes! I think the lack of screenshots made me convey their emotions more clearly because I could picture what was going on in my head--thanks to your description of the scene in between the dialogue.
HA! The only time I felt like I wanted a picture was when you were describing how gorgeous Sean was by the way his pants hung lol. But, of course...that was just me being lustfully nosey LOL.
If you were to choose the most prominent emotion in this piece, what would it be and why?
Hmmm...frustration...if that's even an emotion lol. There's all kinds of frustration here. There is frustration from the past; frustration from him trying to figure out what she's doing there; frustration from him interrupting her; frustration from her still loving him even though she doesn't want to.
Does this piece make you want to read on?
Honestly? It doesn't. I mean, I will lol, but it doesn't compel me to. I suppose because I feel like I know what's going to happen; it's familiar to me.
What is your general impression of the story so far? Feel free to ask any questions.
It's entertaining and has a good start. I mean, with characters named Jessica and Jade, it has to be good! lol (Jade is my awesome niece)
I loved that line that said "...he was exhausted and not because it was 3 a.m." It said so much with so little! Even though the story is familiar to me, I would still love to know about these two and what their story is behind all this frustration. Oh! And I love how the story just starts, like...BAM...we're in someone's conversation. I like quick starts. Scene development, character development, and all the stuff that many pieces start with bore me when it takes too long to get to the point.
I can have a piece ready by then, and I'm also happy to wait to have it read later. Would anyone like to have a piece workshopped on Monday?
(It looks like we're moving onto seconds, so please feel free to volunteer even if you've had a piece workshopped already.)
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
Cool, Lizzie! You can have your second turn on Monday, Aug. 31.
With our new schedule, please post the link and questions on Monday, Aug. 31 (by the evening, your timezone).
I will add your questions to the front page for easy access.
We'll have our responses to you by Wednesday evening (our respective timezones).
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!