1. You have five fingers. You cut two fingers. How many fingers do you have left?
2. Tom is 4 years old. Tom's father is four times his's age and Tom's mother is thrice his age. How old are Tom's father and mother?
...
Not really funny. The answers are literal anyway, there is no twist, but/because it's taken out from a math textbook for kids and when put in the context it's really funny, I laughed so hard when I read that on the news. XD
A five year old boy and his parents go to the movies. In the movie there's a woohoo scene, and the little boy says
"Mommy, Mommy! What are they doing?"
The mom says, "They're making cupcakes."
They get in the car after the movie and in the next car over, there's a couple woohooing.
The little boy says, "Daddy, daddy! What are they doing?"
The dad says, "They're making cupcakes."
That night the couple woohoo
In the morning the little boy says, "You guys must have made really great cupcakes last night!"
The mom says, "How did you know?"
"I licked the icing off of the couch!"
I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition
A five year old boy and his parents go to the movies. In the movie there's a woohoo scene, and the little boy says
"Mommy, Mommy! What are they doing?"
The mom says, "They're making cupcakes."
They get in the car after the movie and in the next car over, there's a couple woohooing.
The little boy says, "Daddy, daddy! What are they doing?"
The dad says, "They're making cupcakes."
That night the couple woohoo
In the morning the little boy says, "You guys must have made really great cupcakes last night!"
The mom says, "How did you know?"
"I licked the icing off of the couch!"
Wohhh...
I expected it to be dirty in the end but... that level of dirtiness was not expected. XD
A five year old boy and his parents go to the movies. In the movie there's a woohoo scene, and the little boy says
"Mommy, Mommy! What are they doing?"
The mom says, "They're making cupcakes."
They get in the car after the movie and in the next car over, there's a couple woohooing.
The little boy says, "Daddy, daddy! What are they doing?"
The dad says, "They're making cupcakes."
That night the couple woohoo
In the morning the little boy says, "You guys must have made really great cupcakes last night!"
The mom says, "How did you know?"
A five year old boy and his parents go to the movies. In the movie there's a woohoo scene, and the little boy says
"Mommy, Mommy! What are they doing?"
The mom says, "They're making cupcakes."
They get in the car after the movie and in the next car over, there's a couple woohooing.
The little boy says, "Daddy, daddy! What are they doing?"
The dad says, "They're making cupcakes."
That night the couple woohoo
In the morning the little boy says, "You guys must have made really great cupcakes last night!"
The mom says, "How did you know?"
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note.
Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show my affection for you on our Anniversary. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked great. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night. All my love,
P.S. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.
A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note.
Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show my affection for you on our Anniversary. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked great. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night. All my love,
P.S. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.
Literally laughed my face off with this one! Good Job*Applauses* Good Job
Still have two more years of high school, wish me luck!
A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note.
Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show my affection for you on our Anniversary. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked great. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night. All my love,
P.S. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.
Literally laughed my face off with this one! Good Job*Applauses* Good Job
Good thread idea.
There are loads of funny ones here already.
I'll share one...
A man went into BestBuy and asked 'I wanna buy a washing machine'
The shop keeper pointed to the washing machine segment.
The man said 'but I can't walk over there' when both his legs clearly worked
The shopkeeper ignored him.
The man then said 'I need a hearing aid. I must be deaf. Get me a wheelchair while you're at it.'
The shopkeeper said 'wha-?'
The man said '..because the customer is always right... You need a hearing aid too'
The shopkeeper said 'a hearing aid improves bad hearing, not fixes deafness'
The man said 'wha-? I still need one
The shopkeeper said 'go buy what you want! I ain't gonna help you because you're quite annoying. You're doing this on purpose.'
The man then left saying 'I guess you don't want my business then...'
Hope it's funny.
My blog: ning's backlog
Don't forget the forum rules are on the forum- go find 'em!
My favorite is when I ask people my most favorite trick question:
Three cats are going to their friend's birthday party. But they must cross a bridge to get there. The first cat crosses and says: "There're still two cats left.". The second cat crosses and says: "There's still one cat left.". The third cat crosses and says: "There're still three cats left.". Why does the third cat say that?
(I asked this question on this forum before and some has known the answer but please don't spoil it ;3 )
Can I say?
I think I worked it out. They said two or one left on the other side of the bridge. I think then it was three because they were bac where they started kinda but they kinda reset their count once they were all on one side of the bridge.
My blog: ning's backlog
Don't forget the forum rules are on the forum- go find 'em!
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. 'What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!', he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!...'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:
'You deny my existence for all of these years, teach OTHERS I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light.
'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well, 'said the voice. The light went out, time resumed as did the sounds of the forest.
The bear then lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: 'Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.'
Leave it to me to drop the cheesy one. I'll give more similar on request, but if there aren't whovians in here it'll go over your heads probably (not this joke though)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor who?
I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
I see this one everywhere.
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
One of my faves XD
There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."
Live your life to the fullest, don't wait for a miracle to happen, be the miracle to make things happen.
Sometimes your creativity is limited where you use it most, but you can use those limitations to inspire new forms of creativity you may never have thought of beforehand.
Comments
2. Tom is 4 years old. Tom's father is four times his's age and Tom's mother is thrice his age. How old are Tom's father and mother?
...
Not really funny. The answers are literal anyway, there is no twist, but/because it's taken out from a math textbook for kids and when put in the context it's really funny, I laughed so hard when I read that on the news. XD
A five year old boy and his parents go to the movies. In the movie there's a woohoo scene, and the little boy says
"Mommy, Mommy! What are they doing?"
The mom says, "They're making cupcakes."
They get in the car after the movie and in the next car over, there's a couple woohooing.
The little boy says, "Daddy, daddy! What are they doing?"
The dad says, "They're making cupcakes."
That night the couple woohoo
In the morning the little boy says, "You guys must have made really great cupcakes last night!"
The mom says, "How did you know?"
"I licked the icing off of the couch!"
Wohhh...
I expected it to be dirty in the end but... that level of dirtiness was not expected. XD
Umm... Laughing hysterically here... Danger...
My W/list: http://store.thesims3.com/myWishlist.html?persona=rosey1579
you are not funny.
That one was actually funny xD
You're right. I'm not funny. I'm HILARIOUS. I mean, Greece! GREECE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
https://themostevilfish.wordpress.com/
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
My tumblr - http://sims-and-rebellion.tumblr.com/
Origin id - RebelCreator1
Lol!!
My W/list: http://store.thesims3.com/myWishlist.html?persona=rosey1579
What do you call a Nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile!
(I am thoroughly disappointed with myself)
I don't get it...
My joke: What's the most popular breed of dog among the angels?
...Saint Bernard!
Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show my affection for you on our Anniversary. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked great. I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night. All my love,
P.S. Just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.
There are loads of funny ones here already.
I'll share one...
A man went into BestBuy and asked 'I wanna buy a washing machine'
The shop keeper pointed to the washing machine segment.
The man said 'but I can't walk over there' when both his legs clearly worked
The shopkeeper ignored him.
The man then said 'I need a hearing aid. I must be deaf. Get me a wheelchair while you're at it.'
The shopkeeper said 'wha-?'
The man said '..because the customer is always right... You need a hearing aid too'
The shopkeeper said 'a hearing aid improves bad hearing, not fixes deafness'
The man said 'wha-? I still need one
The shopkeeper said 'go buy what you want! I ain't gonna help you because you're quite annoying. You're doing this on purpose.'
The man then left saying 'I guess you don't want my business then...'
Hope it's funny.
My blog: ning's backlog
Don't forget the forum rules are on the forum- go find 'em!
I think I worked it out. They said two or one left on the other side of the bridge. I think then it was three because they were bac where they started kinda but they kinda reset their count once they were all on one side of the bridge.
My blog: ning's backlog
Don't forget the forum rules are on the forum- go find 'em!
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. 'What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!', he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!...'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:
'You deny my existence for all of these years, teach OTHERS I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light.
'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well, 'said the voice. The light went out, time resumed as did the sounds of the forest.
The bear then lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: 'Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.'
Origin ID: BadArkane
it barks!
put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he wants anything, and René answers: ''I think not...'' And disappears into thin air. :p
Knock knock
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor who?
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
I see this one everywhere.
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
One of my faves XD
There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."
Sometimes your creativity is limited where you use it most, but you can use those limitations to inspire new forms of creativity you may never have thought of beforehand.
When is a car in a jar?
When the car door is ajar.