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Life Goes On (Generation 1) *UPDATED 06/13*
LariSilva
Posts: 30 Member
Life Goes On
So guys, it's finally here, my first SimLit! You can click on the logo above to be redirected to the site. I've uploaded 2 chapters already, and I'm already planning ahead, so as soon as I can get my hands on The Sims 4 new chapters will be available. These first chapters will slowly start to build the main dramas and dilemmas of the story, so I hope you guys will tag along! Also, I would like to add that criticism is very important for me, as I'm only starting on this world, any tip, constructive critic, or anything else will be gladly accepted! For now, that's all, hope everyone enjoys it!
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If you're looking to quickly improve the flow of your writing, my first suggestion would be working to internalize rules for punctuation mark usage. In particular, this is a good resource on comma usage (though I'm not the biggest fan of Grammarly as a company), here's one for quotation marks, and here's one for en dashes. Be careful with the ellipses! It can be very easy to overuse ellipses in places where other forms of punctuation are more appropriate. For example,
“No….no I wasn’t… How can I help you, Kirk?”
can be written in a way that more closely mimics speech as
“No, no I wasn’t. How can I help you, Kirk?”
or even
“No---no, I wasn’t. How can I help you, Kirk?”
The next step would be paying special attention to prepositions. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a good online resource for those. If you're interested, I can tell you which prepositions in the first two chapters need to be changed, and point out a few other spots that would benefit from revision.
Some of us are particularly sensitive to this sort of thing, but won't judge you for it; all writers have had to struggle with learning these things at some point. (The vast majority of native English speakers still don't know the difference between an en dash and an em dash.) And if anyone gives you grief for starting a sentence with 'and,' tell them Garner's Modern American Usage said it was okay.
Haunted: Picture Oscar Wilde dating Willy Wonka, also Oscar Wilde is still dead
Jesus, thank you so much, I do n't think I've mentioned, but English is not my first language, so I do have a lot to learn! If you could, I would love to know more about these spots you think need revision, it would help a lot!! Thanks again
"The hard rain fell on Jenna’s head..." -> Super minor, but it can't fall on her head if she's using an umbrella.
"...in awe, still in shock..." -> Pleonasm. I'd take out "in awe."
"...on a completely new city" -> In a completely new city.
"The city... she asked herself." -> Too many clauses in this sentence. One way to fix it is to expand on "the city was pretty," making that its own sentence, and also staring a new sentence at "But will they?"
"As she walked ... known." reads more smoothly as "As she walked around the city, making way to her new apartment, she thought about the life she had left behind: her over-controlling parents, her friends, her job at the local restaurant, her sister---everything she had ever known." There are several possible ways to emphasize "her sister" here.
"fate, there was no turning back..." -> Comma connecting two clauses. Try placing an 'and' after the comma or changing it to a semicolon. Last ellipsis can be replaced with a period.
"'You must... reality." can be changed to "“You must be Miss Misch, am I correct?” said a kind-looking older man waiting for her in front of the building, taking her out of her mind and bringing the young adult back to reality."
En dashes are never needed to connect dialogue to narrative.
“Oh, yes…and you must be Mr. Cane, nice to meet you Sir.” -> “Oh, yes, and you must be Mr. Cane. Nice to meet you, Sir.” The second comma could also be replaced with a semicolon (if the 'and' is removed), em dash, or period.
"...that was going to..." -> Who was going to.
"...give a few tips..." -> Give her a few tips.
"...and rules..." -> Arguably a pleonasm. I'd take it out, but this is more a preference than a hard-and-fast rule. It might be because of the phrasing: is he assigning rules for her to follow, or informing her about existing rules? If it's the second case, the phrasing might be too awkward to use the same preposition in the following clause.
"...on the city life." -> For city life. Or, 'for living in the city.'
Next two paragraphs are perfect! Woo!
"...if you need anything... anything, just call me..." to "if you need anything---anything---just call me". I'm going to stop making comments about en dashes and ellipses now. Every en dash in this chapter (and the next chapter) should be removed and every ellipsis can be removed. I'll leave it up to you to decide whether to replace the ellipses with another form of punctuation. Here's the most tactful resource I can find on preventing ellipsis overuse.
"...she patted Jenna in the shoulders." -> He patted Jenna on the shoulders.
"...in the moment." -> At the moment.
"...some place to work on." -> To work at, or simply 'someplace to work.'
Comma between 'soon' and 'otherwise.'
"...intel to you!" -> Intel for you.
"...right in the corner..." -> Right around the corner.
"...had some open spots..." -> Had an open spot.
"I guess that..." -> This is a correct use of 'that,' but most speakers would omit it here. There are also two consecutive spaces later in the sentence.
"...but honestly..." -> But was honestly.
"...the most positive outcome at the moment." -> Is receiving this news the best thing happening to her right now, or the best possible thing she could envision happening, given her conditions? Super minor.
"...leaving only Jenna and her apartment, finally alone." -> Pleonasm. 'Finally leaving Jenna alone in her apartment' or 'leaving only Jenna and her apartment' both work. I prefer the first, but that could be because I write mostly nonfiction and it's more nonfiction-y.
Whew! I hope this is helpful! As you can tell, I enjoy studying English grammar/usage, and it's always a pleasure to talk to people who want to learn. I'll wait to say anything about the second chapter so you can look through it yourself first. Thank you for being receptive!
Haunted: Picture Oscar Wilde dating Willy Wonka, also Oscar Wilde is still dead
@Dollyllama108 your explanations were very helpful and I'll be using it as well to improve with my own writing.
@Siomne Thanks a lot! Hope you will tag along, next chapter should be released this coming week already.
I don't want to derail the thread from people talking about your story, so I'll DM you later about how to tighten up the second chapter even more
Haunted: Picture Oscar Wilde dating Willy Wonka, also Oscar Wilde is still dead
Excited to learn more about Jenna's history.
Chapter 1.4 also posted tonight you guys! Hope you have fun with it. I'm going to keep working on the next chapters to make them better and better to read! Thanks for checking these out!