I'm turning this thread over for feedback for a while, so if you have any, this is your chance! Feel free to say whatever you want, but here's some guidelines for those of you who like structure:
Characters you love/hate/want to see dead/brought back to life/explored more/less?
Mysteries you hope to explore or any burning questions you need answering?
Anything you want to see more or less of? e.g. Less tragedy more comedy? Vice versa? Happy for horror? Retching over the romance? Want MORE VAMPIRES?
Technical feedback. Are screenshots OK? Does the blog work?
Writing. Any good? Does it flow OK? Does the story move too fast/too slow? Do I swear too much?
Anything else you want to say? Digs at the writer go in this section.
Finally, can you sum up Almost Eternal in one sentence? (So I can update my 'what people say' section. )
Characters you love/hate/want to see dead/brought back to life/explored more/less?
I feel like I've gone on about all of them ad infinitum, so I don't really have any new insights to add to that - I'm sure you have a good idea of who I love and hate. (Lilith. I love Lilith. /sarcasm)
I would like to see more of what past Seth and Lilith had together, and what drove them each to ask the other to remove some of their memories. (I do love the irony that Seth believes that the best path for Faith would be to erase her mortal memories of her family, when clearly that's not worked out so well for him, given that he's chasing after a memory he once chose to remove... But I digress.)
I look forward to seeing how the newly formed dysfunctional gang will do without Lilith - don't know if you're taking bets on what the first hurdle will be; running out of plasma packs, Caleb, or April... honestly I couldn't guess if I wanted, could be any of them, lol.
And I strangely look forward to seeing what's in store for Lilith, now that she's on her own. She's always had Caleb there to be the scapegoat for everything that went wrong, so it will be interesting how she'll handle things when there's nobody else around to blame for things. I think some alone time could be good for her.
Mysteries you hope to explore or any burning questions you need answering?
Hmm, aside from the above (i.e. Seth and Lilith's past relationship and mutual memory-wiping fun times), not really. But I'm not the kind of person that necessarily needs every question answered.
Oh, I'd like to know what Broof's thinking. What's his take on what went down, what information did he end up giving the police, and what does he think of April and Sandy, given that he's known them both for a very long time...
Other than that... hm... care to share the banana sausage surprise recipe?
Most pressingly, what will become of Robert the cat now?
Anything you want to see more or less of?
MORE VAMPIRES. No, in seriousness, I think you've got the tragedy to comedy ratio down. I wouldn't change anything.
Technical feedback.
I think the screenshots are fab (especially the TV ones, lol). Blog works great too, I love all the extras!
Perhaps the only thing I'd suggest now that you have 50+ chapters up is to consider making a dedicated index page rather than just using the latest posts feed? For those of us who have been reading along it's a non-issue, but if you get new readers at this stage, it might be easier for them to navigate the story that way. (Say, if someone reads the first 10 chapters in one sitting, and then they want to resume from chapter 11 the next day, currently they need to scroll down all the way from chapter 51, past potential spoilers. Having a chronologically ordered index page might alleviate that).
But that's just something I'd personally do - it's definitely not a must!
Writing.
It's good Like I've told you before, you got me hooked from the first sentence. I wouldn't worry. I thought the pacing was done really well, but to be honest, it's something I personally struggle with too, so I'm in no position to give advice, haha. I know you are worried that it took you a while to get into the whole Forgotten Hollow plotline and vampiness, but in my opinion the early portion was necessary to set up the girls' characters and their relationships.
Anything else you want to say?
Just keep doing what you're doing and tell Sandy to shut up
Finally, can you sum up Almost Eternal in one sentence?
More messed up than I originally anticipated, but in a good way.
Characters you love/hate/want to see dead/brought back to life/explored more/less?
You know who I love and hate as well, seeing how I’ve bombarded you with thoughts already. So I won’t repeat myself here.
Mysteries you hope to explore or any burning questions you need answering?
Lilith’s and Seth’s past as well as their missing memories of course, but we’ll surely get to that at some point! And what happened to Chuck after meeting Seth, the poor sod.
It’s a small one, but what did Babs do to Faith’s mother that made her ball her hands in anger in one of the flashbacks?
I’m curious how the investigation into Sandy’s death ends. Does Travis confess? Does Broof? It’ll probably show up in the news at some point.
Anything you want to see more or less of? e.g. Less tragedy more comedy? Vice versa? Happy for horror? Retching over the romance? Want MORE VAMPIRES?
I love your dark humour, so that’s always good in my book. You’ve got a good combination going in AE. It seemed to have more humour towards the beginning and more darkness towards the end, but that too was very fitting.
Technical feedback. Are screenshots OK? Does the blog work?
They’re great! I enjoyed both the normal ones and the flashbacks ones, and it’s very easy to see the difference. Some of the night-time forest screenshots might have been a little dark? It was hard to make out the background sometimes, but the characters were always clearly visible and in most cases the background didn’t matter that much, so it’s a very minor nitpick if anything.
Writing. Any good? Does it flow OK? Does the story move too fast/too slow? Do I swear too much?
I loved the little bits of foreshadowing that you’ve sprinkled through your earlier chapters, as well as the hints that were explored and then finally revealed later. Reading it back after the end makes you look at many things in a very different way. You’re good at building up to big plot twists/ plot explosions.
Weirdly enough I was convinced that Melinda actually didn’t like April all that much, mostly after that flashback chapter and the talk she had with Lilith. So the reveal later that she carried a bit of a torch for her took me by surprise. That might have been me misinterpreting things and being stubborn about it, though! Your characters lie to each other and themselves frequently throughout the story, and I get a lot of “so THAT’s how it is!” while reading. This was the only one that ended up confusing me, instead.
Anything else you want to say?
For your very first story, you’ve done an absolutely amazing job. Seriously, hat off to you. Not that I have a hat. I’ll steal Seth’s for a bit. I’m very eager to see what you’ll throw at us for S2!
Finally, can you sum up Almost Eternal in one sentence?
Boy meets girl; boy turns girl; boy and girl cause absolute chaos.
Hosting D&D sessions on the side. Interested in playing through some fantasy-themed shenanigans? Send me a message 😘
Characters you love/hate/want to see dead/brought back to life/explored more/less?
I think my favorite character is Melinda. Her depth and concern for others than herself.
But I like all the characters and their distinct personalities.
At times, I get furious about April and all her headless choices, but she represents a personality type pretty well.
It's perhaps what I love most about the story, that when you peel the occult off, the personalities are so recognizable from real life ... and maybe we all contain a part of them all.
Mysteries you hope to explore or any burning questions you need answering?
I want Lilith to be granted a little more justice. I do not know if she has had other options in her struggle to raise her brother to a greater degree of humanity.
I would like to learn even more about her past and her relationship with Seth. The same goes for Caleb.
I would like to know more about Seth's background. Where does he come from and how did he end up becoming a vampire.
Anything you want to see more or less of? e.g. Less tragedy more comedy? Vice versa? Happy for horror? Retching over the romance? Want MORE VAMPIRES?
There is an appropriate alternation between tragedy, humor and development. I would not be so caught up in the story if it did not contain a beep of hope that the characters would grow and develop.
Technical feedback. Are screenshots OK? Does the blog work?
The pictures are really good. I still have a lot to learn about cutting the motif up close.
As ThePlumbob mentions, I also think a table of contents would be a good idea.
Writing. Any good? Does it flow OK? Does the story move too fast/too slow? Do I swear too much?
I love your writing style. You are great at making cliffhangers, so one just wants to know even more.
One of my favorite chapters is Caleb and Melinda's conversation on the bench and Caleb's flashback to meeting Melinda's mother.
The tempo is appropriate and the alternation between the calm passages and the drama.
I have not discovered that you swear ... I wonder if that says the most about me or you?
Anything else you want to say? Digs at the writer go in this section.
Just continue
Finally, can you sum up Almost Eternal in one sentence? (So I can update my 'what people say' section. )
I just have to think about this question..... maybe: On the edge of reality.
Characters you love/hate/want to see dead/brought back to life/explored more/less?
I’m happy with everyone. If Will comes back sure, as long as he dies right after. My lilith love in spoiler.
Such a complex character. So flawed, so strong, smart, naive, loving yet so filled with hate. So pretty yet so ugly at the same time. She is every bit the ideal 300+ year old vampire and om*fg she still retained some good after all these years?! Can I renew our wedding vows yet?
Mysteries you hope to explore or any burning questions you need answering?
So far am good. I’m happy to wait for questions to be answered. I wanna see Wangshaft vs Vampire showdown.
Anything you want to see more or less of? e.g. Less tragedy more comedy? Vice versa? Happy for horror? Retching over the romance? Want MORE VAMPIRES?
Tbh I’m not much a vampire lover. Don’t like horror either, got enough of those in real life already. But I’m happy with more vampires and whatever way you want to take your story. I am pretty excited to know if they’ll manage to get their lives back on track (however you interpret that) so I’m hoping at least some of them will achieve some form of workable happiness lol.
Technical feedback. Are screenshots OK? Does the blog work?
Wait, whats up with MEL and CALEB BLOOPERS?!
Everything is great! I agree with Plumbob’s suggestion. I actually reread Tea Party stories quite a bit, and for yours I’ve been improvising by using the reader menu to find chapters I want to go back to. An index page will save me a lot of time haha!
Writing. Any good? Does it flow OK? Does the story move too fast/too slow? Do I swear too much?
Oof I’ve said this plenty of times. Your humor is fantastic. And there are so many gems scattered about in your story that I don’t get them most of the time. I’m pretty straightforward. I have to reread to see what I missed. I actually like that. It’s interesting to see how many things I’ve missed I don’t think I can comment much here at all! I think the story moves at a good pace and I really like your chapter length.
Oh I also thought the tension in your last few chapters were amazing. I’m sure my screaming at you randomly was not telling at all. Looking forward to more thriller.
Anything else you want to say? Digs at the writer go in this section.
Your bloopers section kills me. Ahh I can’t wait for season 2.
Oh yeah and I died at your description for tea party stories hahaha! If I were a cat I got no more lives by now.
Finally, can you sum up Almost Eternal in one sentence? (So I can update my 'what people say' section. )
Like hitting your funny bone. Makes you weep in pain and laughter. (And cuss)
Ok serious. Almost Eternal S1 is like having a pin-sized paddle and rowing out into a sea of chaos. It’s fantastic fun in a morbid kind of way! (Oh yay finally that last bit there is useful, I think?)
I'm probably repeating some things, so I tried to keep it shorter.
Characters you love/hate/want to see dead/brought back to life/explored more/less?
There is no one that I truly hate (surprising with how much I gripe about them, lol). There are characters that I don't agree with, but I can see why they are the way they are and what their motivations are. All the characters have many layers, some more than others, and I can understand why they do the things they do (even though it can be frustrating when they mess things up ). The fact that they live forever, have mind control powers, and have to feed on people to survive; I'm not surprised they are a little messed up.
I also like that there are different characters we follow. Mel and Faith help balance the darkness out with some optimism and humor.
Mysteries you hope to explore or any burning questions you need answering?
Nothing I can think of, except what happens to Thomas the cat.
I like that it was left on a bit of a cliffhanger, but also that some questions were answered at the end.
Anything you want to see more or less of? e.g. Less tragedy more comedy? Vice versa? Happy for horror? Retching over the romance? Want MORE VAMPIRES?
I like the mix of tragedy and comedy. I think it works well and I wouldn't change that. It was darker than I originally anticipated, but it slowly built up to that, so I wasn't surprised when it got to that point. Plus, there is still an ample amount of dark humor, which I enjoy.
Technical feedback. Are screenshots OK? Does the blog work?
The screenshots are done really well, and I haven't seen any issues. They are clear and display what is going on in the scene.
Writing. Any good? Does it flow OK? Does the story move too fast/too slow? Do I swear too much?
I was hooked from the beginning. I think the pacing is perfect. I feel engaged in every chapter with just enough mystery to keep me reading/guessing, but not so much where I forget what was going on or got lost.
Finally, can you sum up Almost Eternal in one sentence? (So I can update my 'what people say' section. )
A dark and humorous tale about vampires and how they balance their vampirism and humanity (or lack thereof ).
Maybe I'll come up with something better if I think about it some more.
You guys are awesome! Thanks so much for everything you've taken the time to write so far. I take every comment on board and really appreciate them all.
Not really spoilers, but breaks up the huge wall of text I just wrote.
As much as you'd probably like me to fling her in the fire, you get much more Lilith in Book Two! I can hear you cheering from here.
I'm always up for taking a bet. I see that 'everything will be fine' is not an option to bet on, might want to add that in there? No?
Banana Sausage Surprise (serves 1):
Take one unpeeled banana, slice it open, through to the centre lengthways. Stick a sausage of your choosing in it and bake until it looks revolting and is somewhat cooked. Make an incision in the ends of the sausage that you can pipe some surprise tuna puree in to really excite your unsuspecting guests. Serve with crusty bread and a bucket.
If you try this recipe please, never let me know, thanks.
Good spot about Babs and Faith's mum (Adina). It's in the pipeline.
Of course, I can't leave the crime of the century unaddressed now can I?
Dark backgrounds in screenshots is intentional to disguise the fact that all woodland outdoor screenshots took place on the same 2 lots and I couldn't be bothered to keep changing the trees around, lol. I make a dig at my own laziness in Chapter 1.50 'Why did every path in this forest look the same?'. I'll try harder for Book Two. Or I won't and will insult myself again for it, whatever.
Melinda and April - noted. A case of me having too many balls in the air, plot-wise, I think and glossing over stuff, newbie error? Melinda's thoughts and feelings are definitely explored more in Book Two, so hopefully this will help (or further muddy the water, haha!)
Yep, that sum-up is definitely going on the 'what people say page'
You've not noticed any swearing and no one else has commented on it, so I shall assume that it's fine/acceptable. It's only really Faith who uses 'unnecessary' swearing, the others tend to use sparingly or use 'old-time' curses; hell, heck, darn etc.
I am very tempted to resurrect Will just so I can snuff his punchable face again in as many ways as possible. Fun fact: when I set out writing, I knew he was gonna die at the hands of the vamps and eventually narrowed it down to the two in his final scene. I shot both scenarios, but only made the final decision of which of them it would be as I uploaded the chapter.
So pretty yet so ugly sums up Lilith well. I think you'll enjoy Book Two.
WOW. Is there any higher praise than knowing that you don't like vampires or horror and yet you still find enough in the story to make you want to read it? Truly something for everyone, lol.
Ha! Wimpy Vamps are so darn cute together, aren't they? Until April rocks up and slaps the poop out of the poor sod, of course. I wonder if this will bleed into the story somehow...
Interesting that you like chapter length, I have had feedback elsewhere that said chapters were too long. For book two I'm aiming back towards 1500-1800 words per chapter, but sometimes I just want to go on forever, shoot me.
"Like having a pin-sized paddle and rowing out into a sea of chaos." Another one for the 'what people say' section.
I thought I'd lure you all softly, gently down the path by the hand, taking time to smell the flowers and watch the clouds before slaughtering you all in the gingerbread house. Which is why I stuck April and Caleb's first meeting at the end, even though it happened at the beginning. Book Two does get darker still, especially when we explore Seth, but I have infused a great deal more comedy in to help cushion all the sharp edges and heavy bangs we'll be suffering on this rollercoaster of doom.
General comments
I have now created an index! It's very basic but I think it does the job.
I'll see to it that Robert the cat is well taken care of.
Seth and Lilith's relationship is explored more. You'll probably be as sick of them as they are of each other by the end of Book Two. Seth's individual past is also explored, but he really did want it removed for good reason. This is an ocean that gets cold, deep and very, very dark. But there are plenty of colourful fish to admire as we sink to certain death at the bottom, so that's something, right?
I wonder if Caleb being so thirsty is because he’s older than them, or because he’s been turned at a younger age than them. If it’s the first one, that would mean that everyone would get progressively thirstier and need more blood/plasma packs as time went on, right? I wonder if that means that Seth, Caleb and Lilith will reach a point where no amount of blood is enough.
“I can supervise you!” April gushed, clapping her hands.
Hoo boy. That won’t end well. She’s already unable to get up from the bed if Caleb tells her to stay, let alone stop Dark Form Caleb from draining some poor victim dry. Oh joy.
Dear gods that ending T.T Either Seth drained him dry and dumped him dry and dumped him on Lilith’s doorstep… or Seth drained him and almost killed him but stopped because he could be useful? And then dumped him on Lilith’s doorstep. Or maybe Melindog’s dad is more resilient than we thought and he somehow managed to crawl up there for help himself? However unlikely that is… Aw man
Hosting D&D sessions on the side. Interested in playing through some fantasy-themed shenanigans? Send me a message 😘
What happened here!? What is this cliffhanger picture out of nowhere? Why did her soft-spoken dad elicit those kind of reactions from Mel and Faith? Is he mad at them? Is it some tiny teenage issue? Like the extra make-up on Mel's face? Is it something really bad that made Faith double over like that? NO. NONONO. WHY. My head is swimming with teenage horror stories now. AAAH
Interesting, isn't it? Seth looks for certain kinds of memories when he invades, ones that invoke the strongest reactions in their host and... that's all I can say without spoilers.
“I can supervise you!” April gushed, clapping her hands.
Hoo boy. That won’t end well. She’s already unable to get up from the bed if Caleb tells her to stay, let alone stop Dark Form Caleb from draining some poor victim dry. Oh joy.
Lol, I know right. I'm sure that supervision will go down super well. I mean, even unbound April would not have been able to supervise him. April that has to obey him... um, yeah, totally going to work out.
I was curious about that particular memory too. Though to me it didn't look like it was them reacting to Chuck, more like Chuck walking in on something.
Yup, Faith without her long hair is going to take some getting used to. Geez, Caleb. How do you not notice something like that? It seems like April and him are perfect together, with how oblivious to everything the two of them are. My gods.
Also, props to Faith for being incredibly resourceful with very little. She made a wig out of cut hair, glue and a razor. A filthy, grungy, plasticky wig, but still. That’s bloody amazing.
Heh. So stealing from a store is not okay, but draining people and pilfering Lilith’s entire blood supply is? Then again, Faith wrestles them into bed for mutual enjoyment, and Melinda hasn’t actually drunk from anyone yet, has she? Hm. I wonder how long the four of them can keep away from breaking the law in one way or another. Not one day it seems, if Caleb has any say in it.
Oooooh did becoming a vampire fix Faith’s eyesight? Or did it fix itself as she was growing up, I wonder? Haha, worst case scenario they can take the glasses out and just make April wear the frame. And oof, that comment. My gods. April, empathize with your friends just a little bit please. Just once in a while.
Hosting D&D sessions on the side. Interested in playing through some fantasy-themed shenanigans? Send me a message 😘
I'm sure Faith's hair will grow on you. I'll see myself out.
When you grow up with very little you learn to utilise what you have. You should see what I can fashion out of paperclips and rubber bands.
So stealing from a store is not okay, but draining people and pilfering Lilith’s entire blood supply is?
Yes. I'm glad we cleared that up. Although Melinda's not really OK with any of those things.
Ooh, I'll take bets on what the next crime will be and who will commit it.
Everyone who ever tries my glasses on always yells "Oh my gosh! You're blind!" As for Faith's eyesight, you'll see. Yep, definitely out of here now.
Haha, of course April is jealous about the human that Caleb is about to drain. I guess you can call this picky about what food she gives her boyfriend? Geez, and even draining her so Caleb can’t drink anymore without increased risk of killing her. Very classy, April. Tsk.
Gah, stopping right before Caleb actually drinks, noooo! I want to see if he can control himself, and more importantly if April is able to actually stop him if he can’t. Seeing how completely under his control she is and all. Next chapter, please!
Hosting D&D sessions on the side. Interested in playing through some fantasy-themed shenanigans? Send me a message 😘
Yimi's comment pretty much laid out all my questions about Caleb's self control and whether April can stop Caleb from drinking more. Laike... If Caleb goes overboard April will be right there drowning him in her thoughts so maybe he'd lose his appetite. Or every dinner time will be April flexing her mind control abilities on Caleb.
Oooooh Seth erased some of Caleb's memory. Now that Caleb has another mind therapist, she could potentially undo his powers.... 😮😶
I have no idea what my mum's number is, but I can never forget this one
Omg.. hahahahaha! and now i feel extremely terrible because i spent the first half of the video horrified for the old lady, but ended laughing at the end. Ah that was gold..
And you have an amazing memory. 😂
EDIT: Updating that I actually remembered that number sequence now. Watchu do to me Snuffy... :
It remains to be seen how much of a two-way street this whole binding business is.
Being torn between horrified and amused is sort of what I'm going for with AE in general, so I'm glad you liked that clip. 0118 999 881 999 119 725 3. It's been stuck in my head for over a decade now, replacing some much more important information, I'm sure.
Comments
I'm turning this thread over for feedback for a while, so if you have any, this is your chance! Feel free to say whatever you want, but here's some guidelines for those of you who like structure:
Characters you love/hate/want to see dead/brought back to life/explored more/less?
Mysteries you hope to explore or any burning questions you need answering?
Anything you want to see more or less of? e.g. Less tragedy more comedy? Vice versa? Happy for horror? Retching over the romance? Want MORE VAMPIRES?
Technical feedback. Are screenshots OK? Does the blog work?
Writing. Any good? Does it flow OK? Does the story move too fast/too slow? Do I swear too much?
Anything else you want to say? Digs at the writer go in this section.
Finally, can you sum up Almost Eternal in one sentence? (So I can update my 'what people say' section.
Characters you love/hate/want to see dead/brought back to life/explored more/less?
I feel like I've gone on about all of them ad infinitum, so I don't really have any new insights to add to that - I'm sure you have a good idea of who I love and hate. (Lilith. I love Lilith. /sarcasm)
I would like to see more of what past Seth and Lilith had together, and what drove them each to ask the other to remove some of their memories. (I do love the irony that Seth believes that the best path for Faith would be to erase her mortal memories of her family, when clearly that's not worked out so well for him, given that he's chasing after a memory he once chose to remove... But I digress.)
I look forward to seeing how the newly formed dysfunctional gang will do without Lilith - don't know if you're taking bets on what the first hurdle will be; running out of plasma packs, Caleb, or April... honestly I couldn't guess if I wanted, could be any of them, lol.
And I strangely look forward to seeing what's in store for Lilith, now that she's on her own. She's always had Caleb there to be the scapegoat for everything that went wrong, so it will be interesting how she'll handle things when there's nobody else around to blame for things. I think some alone time could be good for her.
Mysteries you hope to explore or any burning questions you need answering?
Hmm, aside from the above (i.e. Seth and Lilith's past relationship and mutual memory-wiping fun times), not really. But I'm not the kind of person that necessarily needs every question answered.
Oh, I'd like to know what Broof's thinking. What's his take on what went down, what information did he end up giving the police, and what does he think of April and Sandy, given that he's known them both for a very long time...
Other than that... hm... care to share the banana sausage surprise recipe?
Most pressingly, what will become of Robert the cat now?
Anything you want to see more or less of?
MORE VAMPIRES. No, in seriousness, I think you've got the tragedy to comedy ratio down. I wouldn't change anything.
Technical feedback.
I think the screenshots are fab (especially the TV ones, lol). Blog works great too, I love all the extras!
Perhaps the only thing I'd suggest now that you have 50+ chapters up is to consider making a dedicated index page rather than just using the latest posts feed? For those of us who have been reading along it's a non-issue, but if you get new readers at this stage, it might be easier for them to navigate the story that way. (Say, if someone reads the first 10 chapters in one sitting, and then they want to resume from chapter 11 the next day, currently they need to scroll down all the way from chapter 51, past potential spoilers. Having a chronologically ordered index page might alleviate that).
But that's just something I'd personally do - it's definitely not a must!
Writing.
It's good
Anything else you want to say?
Just keep doing what you're doing and tell Sandy to shut up
Finally, can you sum up Almost Eternal in one sentence?
More messed up than I originally anticipated, but in a good way.
Story Blog | Forum Discussion
You know who I love and hate as well, seeing how I’ve bombarded you with thoughts already. So I won’t repeat myself here.
Mysteries you hope to explore or any burning questions you need answering?
Lilith’s and Seth’s past as well as their missing memories of course, but we’ll surely get to that at some point! And what happened to Chuck after meeting Seth, the poor sod.
It’s a small one, but what did Babs do to Faith’s mother that made her ball her hands in anger in one of the flashbacks?
I’m curious how the investigation into Sandy’s death ends. Does Travis confess? Does Broof? It’ll probably show up in the news at some point.
Anything you want to see more or less of? e.g. Less tragedy more comedy? Vice versa? Happy for horror? Retching over the romance? Want MORE VAMPIRES?
I love your dark humour, so that’s always good in my book. You’ve got a good combination going in AE. It seemed to have more humour towards the beginning and more darkness towards the end, but that too was very fitting.
Technical feedback. Are screenshots OK? Does the blog work?
They’re great! I enjoyed both the normal ones and the flashbacks ones, and it’s very easy to see the difference. Some of the night-time forest screenshots might have been a little dark? It was hard to make out the background sometimes, but the characters were always clearly visible and in most cases the background didn’t matter that much, so it’s a very minor nitpick if anything.
Writing. Any good? Does it flow OK? Does the story move too fast/too slow? Do I swear too much?
I loved the little bits of foreshadowing that you’ve sprinkled through your earlier chapters, as well as the hints that were explored and then finally revealed later. Reading it back after the end makes you look at many things in a very different way. You’re good at building up to big plot twists/ plot explosions.
Weirdly enough I was convinced that Melinda actually didn’t like April all that much, mostly after that flashback chapter and the talk she had with Lilith. So the reveal later that she carried a bit of a torch for her took me by surprise. That might have been me misinterpreting things and being stubborn about it, though! Your characters lie to each other and themselves frequently throughout the story, and I get a lot of “so THAT’s how it is!” while reading. This was the only one that ended up confusing me, instead.
Anything else you want to say?
For your very first story, you’ve done an absolutely amazing job. Seriously, hat off to you. Not that I have a hat. I’ll steal Seth’s for a bit.
Finally, can you sum up Almost Eternal in one sentence?
Boy meets girl; boy turns girl; boy and girl cause absolute chaos.
I think my favorite character is Melinda. Her depth and concern for others than herself.
But I like all the characters and their distinct personalities.
At times, I get furious about April and all her headless choices, but she represents a personality type pretty well.
It's perhaps what I love most about the story, that when you peel the occult off, the personalities are so recognizable from real life ... and maybe we all contain a part of them all.
Mysteries you hope to explore or any burning questions you need answering?
I want Lilith to be granted a little more justice. I do not know if she has had other options in her struggle to raise her brother to a greater degree of humanity.
I would like to learn even more about her past and her relationship with Seth. The same goes for Caleb.
I would like to know more about Seth's background. Where does he come from and how did he end up becoming a vampire.
Anything you want to see more or less of? e.g. Less tragedy more comedy? Vice versa? Happy for horror? Retching over the romance? Want MORE VAMPIRES?
There is an appropriate alternation between tragedy, humor and development. I would not be so caught up in the story if it did not contain a beep of hope that the characters would grow and develop.
Technical feedback. Are screenshots OK? Does the blog work?
The pictures are really good. I still have a lot to learn about cutting the motif up close.
As ThePlumbob mentions, I also think a table of contents would be a good idea.
Writing. Any good? Does it flow OK? Does the story move too fast/too slow? Do I swear too much?
I love your writing style. You are great at making cliffhangers, so one just wants to know even more.
One of my favorite chapters is Caleb and Melinda's conversation on the bench and Caleb's flashback to meeting Melinda's mother.
The tempo is appropriate and the alternation between the calm passages and the drama.
I have not discovered that you swear ... I wonder if that says the most about me or you?
Anything else you want to say? Digs at the writer go in this section.
Just continue
Finally, can you sum up Almost Eternal in one sentence? (So I can update my 'what people say' section.
I just have to think about this question..... maybe: On the edge of reality.
I’m happy with everyone. If Will comes back sure, as long as he dies right after. My lilith love in spoiler.
Mysteries you hope to explore or any burning questions you need answering?
So far am good. I’m happy to wait for questions to be answered. I wanna see Wangshaft vs Vampire showdown.
Anything you want to see more or less of? e.g. Less tragedy more comedy? Vice versa? Happy for horror? Retching over the romance? Want MORE VAMPIRES?
Tbh I’m not much a vampire lover. Don’t like horror either, got enough of those in real life already. But I’m happy with more vampires and whatever way you want to take your story. I am pretty excited to know if they’ll manage to get their lives back on track (however you interpret that) so I’m hoping at least some of them will achieve some form of workable happiness lol.
Technical feedback. Are screenshots OK? Does the blog work?
Wait, whats up with MEL and CALEB BLOOPERS?!
Everything is great! I agree with Plumbob’s suggestion. I actually reread Tea Party stories quite a bit, and for yours I’ve been improvising by using the reader menu to find chapters I want to go back to. An index page will save me a lot of time haha!
Writing. Any good? Does it flow OK? Does the story move too fast/too slow? Do I swear too much?
Oof I’ve said this plenty of times. Your humor is fantastic. And there are so many gems scattered about in your story that I don’t get them most of the time. I’m pretty straightforward. I have to reread to see what I missed. I actually like that. It’s interesting to see how many things I’ve missed
Oh I also thought the tension in your last few chapters were amazing. I’m sure my screaming at you randomly was not telling at all.
Anything else you want to say? Digs at the writer go in this section.
Your bloopers section kills me.
Oh yeah and I died at your description for tea party stories hahaha! If I were a cat I got no more lives by now.
Finally, can you sum up Almost Eternal in one sentence? (So I can update my 'what people say' section. )
Like hitting your funny bone. Makes you weep in pain and laughter. (And cuss)
Ok serious. Almost Eternal S1 is like having a pin-sized paddle and rowing out into a sea of chaos. It’s fantastic fun in a morbid kind of way! (Oh yay finally that last bit there is useful, I think?)
Characters you love/hate/want to see dead/brought back to life/explored more/less?
There is no one that I truly hate (surprising with how much I gripe about them, lol). There are characters that I don't agree with, but I can see why they are the way they are and what their motivations are. All the characters have many layers, some more than others, and I can understand why they do the things they do (even though it can be frustrating when they mess things up
I also like that there are different characters we follow. Mel and Faith help balance the darkness out with some optimism and humor.
Mysteries you hope to explore or any burning questions you need answering?
Nothing I can think of, except what happens to Thomas the cat.
I like that it was left on a bit of a cliffhanger, but also that some questions were answered at the end.
Anything you want to see more or less of? e.g. Less tragedy more comedy? Vice versa? Happy for horror? Retching over the romance? Want MORE VAMPIRES?
I like the mix of tragedy and comedy. I think it works well and I wouldn't change that. It was darker than I originally anticipated, but it slowly built up to that, so I wasn't surprised when it got to that point. Plus, there is still an ample amount of dark humor, which I enjoy.
Technical feedback. Are screenshots OK? Does the blog work?
The screenshots are done really well, and I haven't seen any issues. They are clear and display what is going on in the scene.
Writing. Any good? Does it flow OK? Does the story move too fast/too slow? Do I swear too much?
I was hooked from the beginning. I think the pacing is perfect. I feel engaged in every chapter with just enough mystery to keep me reading/guessing, but not so much where I forget what was going on or got lost.
Finally, can you sum up Almost Eternal in one sentence? (So I can update my 'what people say' section.
A dark and humorous tale about vampires and how they balance their vampirism and humanity (or lack thereof
Maybe I'll come up with something better if I think about it some more.
Site | Thread
You guys are awesome! Thanks so much for everything you've taken the time to write so far. I take every comment on board and really appreciate them all.
Not really spoilers, but breaks up the huge wall of text I just wrote.
@ThePlumbob
I'm always up for taking a bet. I see that 'everything will be fine' is not an option to bet on, might want to add that in there? No?
Banana Sausage Surprise (serves 1):
Take one unpeeled banana, slice it open, through to the centre lengthways. Stick a sausage of your choosing in it and bake until it looks revolting and is somewhat cooked. Make an incision in the ends of the sausage that you can pipe some surprise tuna puree in to really excite your unsuspecting guests. Serve with crusty bread and a bucket.
If you try this recipe please, never let me know, thanks.
@_Sims_Yimi
Of course, I can't leave the crime of the century unaddressed now can I?
Dark backgrounds in screenshots is intentional to disguise the fact that all woodland outdoor screenshots took place on the same 2 lots and I couldn't be bothered to keep changing the trees around, lol. I make a dig at my own laziness in Chapter 1.50 'Why did every path in this forest look the same?'. I'll try harder for Book Two. Or I won't and will insult myself again for it, whatever.
Melinda and April - noted. A case of me having too many balls in the air, plot-wise, I think and glossing over stuff, newbie error? Melinda's thoughts and feelings are definitely explored more in Book Two, so hopefully this will help (or further muddy the water, haha!)
Yep, that sum-up is definitely going on the 'what people say page'
@MonaSolstraale
Aww, I will.
@mercuryfoam
So pretty yet so ugly sums up Lilith well. I think you'll enjoy Book Two.
WOW. Is there any higher praise than knowing that you don't like vampires or horror and yet you still find enough in the story to make you want to read it?
Ha! Wimpy Vamps are so darn cute together, aren't they? Until April rocks up and slaps the poop out of the poor sod, of course. I wonder if this will bleed into the story somehow...
Interesting that you like chapter length, I have had feedback elsewhere that said chapters were too long. For book two I'm aiming back towards 1500-1800 words per chapter, but sometimes I just want to go on forever, shoot me.
"Like having a pin-sized paddle and rowing out into a sea of chaos." Another one for the 'what people say' section.
@lone_cat
General comments
I have now created an index! It's very basic but I think it does the job.
I'll see to it that Robert the cat is well taken care of.
Seth and Lilith's relationship is explored more. You'll probably be as sick of them as they are of each other by the end of Book Two. Seth's individual past is also explored, but he really did want it removed for good reason. This is an ocean that gets cold, deep and very, very dark. But there are plenty of colourful fish to admire as we sink to certain death at the bottom, so that's something, right?
Just a bit of fun.
Q & A October 2020
I feel cheap and dirty.
Chapter 2.01 - Embrace Disgrace
2.01
Hoo boy. That won’t end well. She’s already unable to get up from the bed if Caleb tells her to stay, let alone stop Dark Form Caleb from draining some poor victim dry. Oh joy.
Dear gods that ending T.T Either Seth drained him dry and dumped him dry and dumped him on Lilith’s doorstep… or Seth drained him and almost killed him but stopped because he could be useful? And then dumped him on Lilith’s doorstep. Or maybe Melindog’s dad is more resilient than we thought and he somehow managed to crawl up there for help himself? However unlikely that is… Aw man
What happened here!? What is this cliffhanger picture out of nowhere? Why did her soft-spoken dad elicit those kind of reactions from Mel and Faith? Is he mad at them? Is it some tiny teenage issue? Like the extra make-up on Mel's face? Is it something really bad that made Faith double over like that? NO. NONONO. WHY. My head is swimming with teenage horror stories now. AAAH
I'm sure it'll be totally fine. Romantic even! Focus on the moonlit stroll and not the potential murder, my negative one.
Poor Chuck. None of those scenarios are great are they.
@mercuryfoam
@mercuryfoam
Story Blog | Forum Discussion
Special delivery for Ms. Lilith Charlotte Vatore.
Chapter 2.02 - Forgot My Kidney
Bordering on an existential crisis
Chapter 2.03 - It Will Be Dark
Also, props to Faith for being incredibly resourceful with very little. She made a wig out of cut hair, glue and a razor. A filthy, grungy, plasticky wig, but still. That’s bloody amazing.
Heh. So stealing from a store is not okay, but draining people and pilfering Lilith’s entire blood supply is? Then again, Faith wrestles them into bed for mutual enjoyment, and Melinda hasn’t actually drunk from anyone yet, has she? Hm. I wonder how long the four of them can keep away from breaking the law in one way or another. Not one day it seems, if Caleb has any say in it.
Oooooh did becoming a vampire fix Faith’s eyesight? Or did it fix itself as she was growing up, I wonder? Haha, worst case scenario they can take the glasses out and just make April wear the frame. And oof, that comment. My gods. April, empathize with your friends just a little bit please. Just once in a while.
When you grow up with very little you learn to utilise what you have. You should see what I can fashion out of paperclips and rubber bands.
Yes. I'm glad we cleared that up. Although Melinda's not really OK with any of those things.
Ooh, I'll take bets on what the next crime will be and who will commit it.
Everyone who ever tries my glasses on always yells "Oh my gosh! You're blind!" As for Faith's eyesight, you'll see. Yep, definitely out of here now.
Romantic dinner.
Chapter 2.04 - First Date
Gah, stopping right before Caleb actually drinks, noooo! I want to see if he can control himself, and more importantly if April is able to actually stop him if he can’t. Seeing how completely under his control she is and all. Next chapter, please!
Story Blog | Forum Discussion
Oooooh Seth erased some of Caleb's memory. Now that Caleb has another mind therapist, she could potentially undo his powers.... 😮😶
@ThePlumbob
And you have an amazing memory. 😂
EDIT: Updating that I actually remembered that number sequence now. Watchu do to me Snuffy...
You'll find out soon, I'm sure.
@ThePlumbob
@mercuryfoam
Being torn between horrified and amused is sort of what I'm going for with AE in general, so I'm glad you liked that clip. 0118 999 881 999 119 725 3. It's been stuck in my head for over a decade now, replacing some much more important information, I'm sure.