Aaaaaah I love this! Ridley Residence/Too Good At Goodbyes crossover when, heh? The Freezer Bunny Expanded Universe is happening and we love to see it
@AdamsEve1231 no worries! Don't feel like you need to rush or anything
I was thinking that exact thing. Haha. I was finishing character profiles over the weekend and one character is obsessed with late night soap operas. I thought of you @ajamkeevin thinking maybe the guy was watching Kev & Get It. My go- to show in universe up to this point has been Specific Hospital or Haute Knights You'll know when you get there in the story. I've been tempted to write some episodes especially after reading your story.
@Duvelina Sofia invited my latest character to join Paragons recently (in my just for fun file). I turned her down because I'm playing in Sulani and didn't want to travel and now Sofia is showing up everywhere. It's like she's trying to convince me.
@AdamsEve1231 I mean, K&GI is certainly dramatic and binge-worthy tv Specific Hospital, I love that name! Made me giggle.
Specific Hospital is referenced throughout many of my stories. An offline friend of mine, who makes an appearance in a few of my stories via her Simself, always comes up with the best story lines. In universe, Bella Goth once starred on the show.
How did you feel/respond when Athena and Grim found the boys at the night of the Spice Festival? What are your thoughts on that scene?
I just knew Athena would meet Curtis in dire conditions again and I guess I was right, but I didn't expect him to be almost killed! Geez. I absolutely loved that scene. The way you orchestrated all those poses was amazing and I don't think I've been as engaged with this story as with this specific scene. I honestly thought something bad was going to befall Curtis, but I'm so glad Athena stepped in although she did endanger herself.
What do you think of Avery at this point?
I didn't have much of an opinion on her before, but I like that she's trying to teach her daughter magic. She seems like a good mom. Although she does come across as a bit of an airhead. It feels funny that Athena and Kirino talk about the organization behind Avery's back, like she's the only one out of the loop in the whole story.
What do you think about Jules and his relationship with Kian?
It felt tense, like Kian can't do anything right in his father's eyes. I do get why Jules is worried, it's probably something that comes with the job of a police officer. He's trying to protect his son which I understand, but I can also see why it's frustrating from Kian's perspective because he's old enough to make his own choices. Their fight felt natural and realistic.
What do you think about Masato and Kirino?
Kirino is gorgeous and seems pretty cool! She seems very intelligent to me with how she educated herself on so many different topics and manages to disguise herself as Macie.
Masato remains mysterious. I like the intrigue he brings, but he's not particularly likable (as he is not meant to be). I do wonder about his motivations for bringing Athena into the gang and why Curtis got involved at such a young age.
What are your current impressions of Athena at the end of Chapter 5? Has anything changed of her since the beginning? What do you think about her thoughts, decisions and desires at this point? Do they make sense to you?
Athena became a much happier, focused person. I've said this on the blog, but it's sad how this organization had to be the thing to set it all in motion, but it's getting Athena somewhere at least. She's not the depressed, lonely girl she was in the beginning. I haven't questioned any of her decisions so far, so I think she's doing pretty great. Once again, I can't relate to jumping into danger like she did with the fight scene but I like that she's different and courageous like that.
@_sims_Yimi
Oof thank you! I’m responding first and then I’ll post the next batch of questions.
General
1.In her diary introduction, her writing is very childish (which is appropriate for her age). But you end with her having matured into a teenager, and her writing reflects that as well. I thought that was very well done.
I’m not sure if mature is the right word here. But lol I’m joking I get what you mean. I’m glad it was an effective chapter because it’s actually a rewrite. I didn’t convey her character well the first time around .
2.Athena taking on all of those thugs and (almost) winning as a scrawny girl is very unrealistic, but if you add magic to the mix, that becomes a whole different ball game.
I agree about the unrealistic part. This was my first clue hinting at Athena’s true identity as not a normal mage. But I know it’ll be seen as a spell-caster perk instead and that works too!
3.The point where Athena saves Curtis from being reaped by Grim and the fighting scene that followed was amazing, too. I believe I commented this on your post itself already, but you’re good at writing fighting scenes and building tension. It also served as the introduction to Curtis’s background, Kirino and Masato (you know how I feel about him, the plum).
Lol you crack me up about Masato. No redemption for the guy? Thank you for commenting then. I never knew otherwise and I learn more about my writing through your comments.
4.The light-heartedness of Athena spending time with her mother and Ares writing an essay about his sister was well balanced with the darker chapters surrounding Curtis, Kirino and Masato. Another highlight for me was Athena changing her appearance after she decided to take control of her life again. I always thought that her clothes and hairstyle were ill-suited and careless, like she didn’t care what she put on because she didn’t care about anything. You made her change of appearance symbolize her change of heart, without outright stating that that’s what it was. I really like that, too. Good use of symbolism, to me, is the sign of a very good writer.
Ah so true. She was almost writing off the world and even though she looked like she just threw on whatever, I actually went through CAS for a long time for that ensemble.
5.Thank you for this entire section. This will definitely help me with Season 2.
6.Athena’s generation is the most controversial generation I’ve ever played in sims. I don’t ever engage with the criminal career and always stuck to ‘upstanding’ professions. Coupled with autonomous in game events and everyone almost reaching Elder stage, I started wondering if there was a way to make sense of why my upstanding legacy family fell so hard in this generation and I realise it’s possible while staying true to what happened in game. Aelrendths and Grim’s character were created then during her adult stage when something happened (no spoilers).
Writing
Thank you for your comments on this entire section. They were all helpful, especially the bit at no. 5. You know how much I want to make my story lighter.
4.I’m thinking of the lighthouse scene, but also the strip with Curtis, that night with Athena, and some of the pictures in the very last chapters
Did you mean the night at the lighthouse park? Or the poem part? I’m guessing you mean the lighthouse but I need to make sure so I can do some reflection on those parts
I'm done reading but I can't answer every question right now. I just finished with the general impression and the writing style so I'll give you those already.
General impression of Ch 1 – 5
1. Overall, what do you think of the story?
The story grabbed my arm and pulled me in. The story itself is good and before I knew it I was at the end of chapter 5, the characters are cool and oh, the mysteries. I love the mysteries. I stopped myself after reaching chapter 5 because I had a lot more to do and I still have 4 other stories to read, but if I’m at the point where everything else is written, I’ll be back before you know it.
2. Where do you think the story is headed at this point? Any predictions?
Ooof, let me think. Athena is going to be a great spellcaster (I can’t remember the other name you gave it) and at some point Curtis and Kian will be witnesses of that. They will be confused at first but be like’ whooaaaa awesomeee!’ after that. Curtis and Athena will walk the romantic way. I don’t know if they will stay that way, but they’re definitely into each other. Then there’s also Kian’s father who will cause a lot of problems for the three friends, together with those Japanese named people xD that’s what I call Masato and Kirino xD There’s going to happen a lot and although I can’t really make predictions, I’m sure there will be a lot of conflicts, fights, idk what else, … A lot to look forward too!
3. What or who are you hoping gets elaborated upon the most in the next chapters?
I actually don’t mind. I like everyone xD I do want to know a little bit more about Athena’s little brother. In the beginning (when Kian was standing behind the trash), for some reason I thought that Kian was Ares. Like he was following his big sister. Hehe. What stupid of me.
4. I’ve always visualised B2W to be a thriller. Do the ‘thriller’ scenes work for you? If no, why?
Some scenes, absolutely yes, but I like the twist of not being a thriller ALL THE TIME in the beginning. Like when Athena and Curtis are having a good time in the park. The way the story is going, I think this thriller aspect will be more seeable. Or at least, that’s what I hope to see in future chapters.
5. Your feedback will help tremendously as I organise Season 2 of B2W. Which parts do you like? What areas should I focus/improve on? What other advice do you have?
I really have nothing to complain. If I’m reading and I see something I don’t like, I always note it down but I really didn’t write anything that I thought needs improvement. You’re really doing a great job^^
6. Do you have any questions for me?
At the moment, no, but when something pops into my mind, I’ll be right back at ya.
Writing style
1. How would you describe the writing style(s)? Does it work for the story?
I would describe your writing style as easily readable, leaning a little to the formal side. Your priority lays in the conversation between people instead of the details, like ‘what is my sim wearing, what is she thinking in her mind’. I like that. When people go waaayyyyy into detail, my mind gets bored and I’m not into reading that much anymore. For me it’s just good.
2. What do you think of the story’s pacing? Any ‘lags’ or parts that were too fast?
Just like I said in the beginning: I was at the end of chapter 5 before I knew it. I lost a bit of time because I couldn’t find a ‘next’-button, so the chapter index page was open in one tab and I opened the actual chapters in a new tab next to it. But that was just because I was stupid to not scroll further than the “related posts”. The next button was just under that. Ha- hahaha- hahahahah. I’m so stupid sometimes.
3. What do you think about the amount of narrative/description?
It’s just right. I don’t really have to say a lot more about that :P
4. I rely on pictures to speak for themselves sometimes. Have you come across any parts like that? Does this style work for you?
I like that because sometimes I get bored of reading. Pictures tell more than 1 000 words, so I like it when I can just scroll a bit looking at the pictures while they tell the story for me.
5. What do you think of story flow? Any specific scenes to improve upon? (Confusing dialogue, scenes not elaborated)
Maybe sometimes I’m confused when the perspective changes to “I” but the “I” is not Athena but for example Kirino. I don’t know if it is on purpose or if it just ‘happened’, but yeah, that’s the only thing I wanted to point out.
6. Have you noticed any obvious grammatical errors/ writing patterns that needs to be addressed?
Ehmmmmm, no, I don’t think so.
I loved hearing that this was generation 5 (?) in a save you've been playing for a longer amount of time. It makes you feel like there's all this backstory and life to these characters you haven't seen. It's great. I especially loved reading the prologue. Athena has an interesting background. Your picture taking is also something that caught my interest immediately. You have a knack for taking realistic and telling pictures. The prologue made me curious about Athena now, so yes, it did make me want to read further.
Thank you very much for your kind feedback. I’ve been sticking with the Renterias for more than a year before I finally decided to document them. I’m especially happy that you like the pictures because I put extra effort in them (but you will catch me slacking anyway)
I think I'd describe them as acquaintances right now, but they have a healthy interest in each other. I', certainly excited to see in what circumstances they'll encounter each other next time, because it's bound to be eventful
I really like how you word this. I agree with you. And thank you for including your prediction too. I get good insight to the impression I’m making with the story.
I like Athena, but I'm having a hard time pinpointing why exactly. I think it's the fact that she's physically strong. I don't know if it's magically infused or something, but she can beat up a whole group of people by herself and I think that's pretty *** and cool. She knows how to stand up for herself. I also like that she's inquisitive and willing to explore the world around her. She started out very depressed, but I have a feeling Curtis already made a shift in Athena. I don't think anything about her is relatable for me personally, but I think what makes her believable is that she was bullied and it made her feel so sad and alone. She didn't connect with anyone anymore. I think you portrayed the effects of bullying realistically. I can't relate to Athena's physical strength. I wish I could, but I'm a chicken and I'd never try to beat someone up.
You’re right. She unconsciously imbues magic into her physical actions when she gets emotional. I’m staying true to game mechanics that magic awakens during a sim’s teen years, so she hasn’t learnt to manage her magical output . And I love your interpretation of her on all accounts. That was what I thought of her too. Lol I can’t relate to her physical strength either even when I spent my whole teen years learning martial arts. She’s in her own category. She’s not a violent person though, her retaliation against the school bullies are more a sign that she had enough. Hence, her initial response to Steve’s gang was to run away than stand and fight.
His words so far don't make a whole lot of sense to me, but that's obvious because we don't know much about him yet. I'm not entirely sure why he did decide to jump into Athena's battle, but I guess he did think he could handle fighting the gang so he made a calculation (or it was recklessness). I would have called the cops and let that be it. I know I can't handle a gang and I wouldn't try because I don't want to die.
I’m glad you like Curtis. I think he makes a good balance too. Athena doesn’t understand him. Therefore we can’t either but he will get his own features so somethings will clear up then. You’ve made some very good points that will be answered in 6-10. But I think you’ve read far enough to know why he wouldn’t consider the latter option.
I did read some of the comments on the chapters and other people predicted he was going to turn out to be a drug dealer and you replied that they were going in the right direction with that prediction. Curtis doesn't feel like a drug dealer to me, but I have no clue who/what he is then.
Ah yeah! It’s the right direction, not necessarily right. I’m glad you smelled rat. I don’t lie in my comments, but I don’t give the full picture either.
he does seem to have some heightened senses like being able to tell how the man died. This seemed to be confirmed by Kian later on. What do I know?
Ahh wow! I’m glad you caught this! I think you’re the first person who noticed this strange bit about Curtis. What do you know? I think intuitively or perceptively, a lot.
Ahh I’m glad you like Grim and Kian. You’re right they’ve not been given enough screen time at this point but I’m glad their impressions were favorable. You’ll see more of the two as the story progresses. Kian’s bartending is a passion. He likes the flexibility and creativity that comes with making new drinks so it’s a dream of his to operate his own bar one day.
Chapter 4-5
I just knew Athena would meet Curtis in dire conditions again and I guess I was right, but I didn't expect him to be almost killed! Geez. I absolutely loved that scene. The way you orchestrated all those poses was amazing and I don't think I've been as engaged with this story as with this specific scene. I honestly thought something bad was going to befall Curtis, but I'm so glad Athena stepped in although she did endanger herself.
It felt tense, like Kian can't do anything right in his father's eyes. I do get why Jules is worried, it's probably something that comes with the job of a police officer. He's trying to protect his son which I understand, but I can also see why it's frustrating from Kian's perspective because he's old enough to make his own choices. Their fight felt natural and realistic.
Thank you so much. That’s so helpful. I’ll probably sound like a broken record if I respond individually so I put them all together.
I didn't have much of an opinion on her before, but I like that she's trying to teach her daughter magic. She seems like a good mom. Although she does come across as a bit of an airhead. It feels funny that Athena and Kirino talk about the organization behind Avery's back, like she's the only one out of the loop in the whole story.
Bahaha! So true. Avery has the ‘Cheerful’ trait and I interpret it as always looking at the bright side of life. The problem with that is excessively they come across as insincere and superficial at times. Of course there are lots of merits to having a cheerful disposition of life, it’s just not practical at some point.
Masato remains mysterious. I like the intrigue he brings, but he's not particularly likable (as he is not meant to be). I do wonder about his motivations for bringing Athena into the gang and why Curtis got involved at such a young age.
Ahh.. I’m glad you find him intriguing. He is a secretive person. Even Kirino doesn't quite know his objectives. There will chapters dedicated to him as the story progresses. I want to respond more, but I can't because spoilers.
Once again, I can't relate to jumping into danger like she did with the fight scene but I like that she's different and courageous like that.
Athena has the emotional bomb celebrity quirk, so I interpret her as an emotionally-driven person. She’s inhibited most of the time (run away than engage in an obvious disadvantaged fight) but once she is pushed past a threshold, she lets go of the inhibitions that restrain her and her true self shines. I agree with you on her courage! There’s also the edgier interpretation that she has nothing else to lose so she may as well engage. I think both and more interpretations are possible.
@Skeilah Thank you so much! I can't wait to get to your response. I just typed this monstrous essay for Yimi so I'll take a break and come back to you.
Omg I overwhelmed myself writing this so I can't imagine you answering them all. You do not need to answer everything. In our next discussion I probably haven't begun S2 so you could leave some til then lol.
General:
1. Did you enjoy the story?
2. What was your favourite part, and which was your least favourite part?
3. How do you feel about the ending?
4. Do you feel like the story was different from what you expected when you started?
5. What do you think of the darkness from chapter 6 until the end? Was the darkness too much, not much, present but not bad, present but bad? etc
6. What are your predictions for S2? Feel free to answer everything else before attempting this. (if you've answered in the previous questionaire please ignore this. My brain isn't working properly now.)
Story:
- What did you think about the comic strip ch. 6.4? Did it adequately summarise Curtis's role? Were there any plot holes? Any thoughts on its delivery?
- What do you think of Athena and Curtis's Not-date scene at the promenade?
- What do you think of the progression of Athena and Curtis’s relationship from strangers to lovers?
- Did it flow realistically? Did any parts feel forced or too fast?
- Their romance was never intended to be ‘pure’, even if it started out that way. Did you catch it as a reader? Did you realise at any point a shift beginning to happen? Where? Did you catch yourself responding to it? (I.e. you were rooting for them then decided not to; or other change of perspectives; like suspicion or started disliking certian characters etc)
- How would you describe their romance/relationship?
- You mentioned you liked Grim's explanation of the cycle of life/death. Yay! Do you have any pressing questions or he answered Athena adequately? What else would you have liked to know?
- What do you think of Curtis's neighborhood shown from Athena's perspective? Was it believable? Did it make you respond in any way? (thoughts or feelings) Was it effective in its delivery of mood/message/setting/danger? Did it make what comes after (Mercy) believable/possible?
- What is your view on ‘Mercy’ chapters (Assault)? Were they handled appropriately? Can they be handled better? Did they deter you from reading further? Did they change your impression of the story? Were you expecting them? I know you said they didn’t feel thrown in for shock factor thank goodness but I just have to ask again.
- What is your view on ‘Memories’ chapter (Curtis)? Were they handled appropriately? Were they portrayed realistically? Were they and the characters portrayed believable? Were the scenes portrayed, haunting enough for Curtis to revolve his entire life around revenge and locking Scorcher away?
- There is a darkness that looms over chapters 14.4, 16.4 and 16.5. Was the mood obvious to you or too subtle? Did it affect these chapters and your desire to read them?
What do you think of Avery's revelation/Athena losing her memory in Chapters 15.1 - 15.4. How was the pacing? Did it feel realistic? Did any feel forced? What do you think of Avery's backstory? Was it believable that Athena didn't realise what she was doing?
- What do you think of the NSFW poem chapter? Was the poem hard to decipher? Did the pictures make the process tougher? Was it a cringe chapter?
- Curtis kept in the dark about his identity
- Curtis having his own home
- Curtis being able to survive despite his lifestyle at such a young age
- Curtis’s complete out of character aggression, manipulation and exploitation of Athena at Trevor’s house
- Athena’s complete out of character aggression, loosened and unhinged behavior at Trevor’s house
- Trevor’s fixation on Athena
Did all of these scenarios make sense to you? Were they believable? Did any feel forced?
Writing
- Were there any themes that stood out for you in this story? How do you think I handled them?
- What do you think of my balancing action/non-action scenes, thrill/non-thrill? Were you able to wind down before the next one, or is the story's arrangement fine with you? Some have told me they needed to take a break from the story because it was so uh full on(?). How was it for you?
- There’s a shift in my writing style/length between chapter 1-5 and the rest of the story. I also experimented with different mediums. What do you think of:
The comic strip? Was its organisation easy to follow? Were the Speech bubbles clear who’s talking and who’s next?
Picture Sequences: Did you prefer the speech text organised around the subject in the picture? Or placed at the bottom and color coded?
Do you like this randomness of switching mediums?
At some point I tried to add more descriptions/elaboration of the setting and ambience than moving the story along. (Chapter 14.2 and 14.21) What do you think of the writing in these chapters compared to the rest of my writing? Do you have a preference? (If there’s no difference you can say that too. )
- I overly rely on pictures to describe the setting than write it out. Does this style work for you?
- Romance is hard to write and personal. There are some scenes and pictures that were too much for me in the story, but I’m a conservative person. How were they for you? Were any of them cringey? If yes, which one? so I can work on those. And do you have suggestions?
Character:
1. What are Athena's strengths and weaknesses? What do you think of Athena’s Character progression/development? How would you describe her?
- Is her character realistic? Is she adequately fleshed out for reader understanding?
- Any bits of her that you find confusing?
- What kind of person do you think she has become at the end of this story? What kind of person do you predict her to be in B2W?
- She insists that Curtis is relatable and her soulmate at the lighthouse scene. Did you find her insistence of them being made for each other believable? Do you have a theory why she thinks so? (I’ve never elaborated on this)
2. What are Curtis's strength and weaknesses? What do you think of Curtis’s Character progression/development? How would you describe him?
- Is he realistic and adequately fleshed out for reader understanding?
- Did you find it strange that he cared for Athena with his background staring at violence every day?
I know I did a lot of explaining of Masato and Kirino’s character in the comments. But without the comments and purely relying on story:
3.Is Masato a believable character?Does his character/personality, his motivations, and actions make sense to you? Is his love for Kirino surprising? Does his metaphoric speech make sense to you? Did the final reveal provide ample explanation of all the schemey scenes he was portrayed in throughout the story? Did everything make sense?
4.Is Kirino a believable character? Does her character, desires and actions (including final action ) make sense to you?
- Did her scene at the end come as a complete surprise? Were there enough clues given throughout the story for you to find her condition at the end believable/acceptable?
- Was her ‘flashback’ chapter believable?
- Do you think she loves Masato (at the end)?
5.Were Masato and Kirino’s complicated relationship believable?
6.Is Scorcher a believable character? Does his character, desires and actions make sense to you? (I think I gave him a monologue and two lines of dialogue explaining his perspective on life lol)
7.You’ve answered this in the comments but I’ll put this here in case you think I’m biased to them and in case you have more to say. What do you think about Kian? Then Carly?
Aw man thank you very much I hope you don’t mind I respond to your every answer.
The story grabbed my arm and pulled me in. The story itself is good and before I knew it I was at the end of chapter 5, the characters are cool and oh, the mysteries. I love the mysteries. I stopped myself after reaching chapter 5 because I had a lot more to do and I still have 4 other stories to read, but if I’m at the point where everything else is written, I’ll be back before you know it.
I’m so happy to hear that you like my story! Totally not a problem. I’ve got a reading list to get to too so I understand!
Ooof, let me think. Athena is going to be a great spellcaster (I can’t remember the other name you gave it) and at some point Curtis and Kian will be witnesses of that. They will be confused at first but be like’ whooaaaa awesomeee!’ after that. Curtis and Athena will walk the romantic way. I don’t know if they will stay that way, but they’re definitely into each other. Then there’s also Kian’s father who will cause a lot of problems for the three friends, together with those Japanese named people xD that’s what I call Masato and Kirino xD There’s going to happen a lot and although I can’t really make predictions, I’m sure there will be a lot of conflicts, fights, idk what else, … A lot to look forward too!
I love your predictions! You’re so right there’s lots of drama and conflicts. If there are any parts that make you go ‘But why?’ They’ll all be answered. Haha Japanese people are not wrong. You’ll see Masato and Kirino again.
I actually don’t mind. I like everyone xD I do want to know a little bit more about Athena’s little brother. In the beginning (when Kian was standing behind the trash), for some reason I thought that Kian was Ares. Like he was following his big sister. Hehe. What stupid of me.
Aww… I like Ares too. He’s such a dear! I’ll have to confess though he’s too young to be in this story because the content gets darker (Get ready!) But he becomes important later.
Some scenes, absolutely yes, but I like the twist of not being a thriller ALL THE TIME in the beginning. Like when Athena and Curtis are having a good time in the park. The way the story is going, I think this thriller aspect will be more seeable. Or at least, that’s what I hope to see in future chapters.
Righto! You’re definitely onto something there!
I would describe your writing style as easily readable, leaning a little to the formal side. Your priority lays in the conversation between people instead of the details, like ‘what is my sim wearing, what is she thinking in her mind’. I like that. When people go waaayyyyy into detail, my mind gets bored and I’m not into reading that much anymore. For me it’s just good.
You’re so right! The problem with being an ESL (English second language learner) is you learn the language formally. So I have to consciously reedit every dialogue to make everyone sound casual. Even when I reply on the forums my main reply is ‘formal’, then I have to reedit my own replies so I don’t sound like a robot but it’s so tiring . I’m glad my focus on conversation works! I hope as I continue writing, I’d be able to inject at least a little bit of detail hehe. I don’t think I’ll ever need to worry about going into too much detail at this point.
Just like I said in the beginning: I was at the end of chapter 5 before I knew it. I lost a bit of time because I couldn’t find a ‘next’-button, so the chapter index page was open in one tab and I opened the actual chapters in a new tab next to it. But that was just because I was stupid to not scroll further than the “related posts”. The next button was just under that. Ha- hahaha- hahahahah. I’m so stupid sometimes.
Oh nooo you’re completely normal. When I first started I was annoyed at the layout of wordpress too. Why are they hiding the Next button, like seriously? I used to use a wordpress theme which puts the ‘Next button’ underneath comments! WP is just weird -.-
I like that because sometimes I get bored of reading. Pictures tell more than 1 000 words, so I like it when I can just scroll a bit looking at the pictures while they tell the story for me.
Yay! I experimented a bit so I have one comic post in chapter 6, and some ‘picture sequence’ chapters in ch 9. If you like pictures you might like those. (You will find WP sabotaged my comic ‘next Page numbers’ like how it sabotaged the ‘Next’ button too.)
Maybe sometimes I’m confused when the perspective changes to “I” but the “I” is not Athena but for example Kirino. I don’t know if it is on purpose or if it just ‘happened’, but yeah, that’s the only thing I wanted to point out.
Oh that is such helpful feedback! You’re right. It gets confusing because I do that fairly often (Switching to different perspectives without informing the reader) It will happen again.
Also I need to point these out.
What stupid of me.
I was stupid to not scroll further than the “related posts”.
I’m so stupid sometimes.
Girl, what are these????? Take all of these, stuff them in a bag and toss them out of the window. Everything you were referring to were legit confusing scenes/layout. Unless self-deprecating humor is a norm in your culture, or your culture is like mine (stupid can be used as a term of endearment for us - Yah… we’re weird ), then okay I’m misunderstanding something. But Idk when I read wp I have the chapter index page open and tab a few chapters at one go too. Anyway I think the words you’re looking for is the layout doesn’t work for you and that Kian’s hair is misleading. No worries, Kian’s mop is changing color next chapter So, bag ‘em all and incinerate those words. We can roast marshmellows while we’re at it.
Thank you so much for your answers! I had a blast reading it.
@Duvelina Not at all. Though I don't have a clear cut answer for you. My native language is Manglish. It's an English creole (fancy word for the English structure broken and assimilated into several languages, in my case four/five) that looks like this:
Translation: Hey friend, would you like to eat here or do a takeaway?
Languages here are English, Bahasa, Mandarin, Cantonese and Tamil.
That blend is how everyone speaks in Malaysia. It's a big pot of melting cultures/languages. Culture-wise, I should be Malaysian, but my Chinese heritage is very strong too (I speak Mandarin and Cantonese), then born in the US and have been living in Australia for quite a while now. So I self-identify with all of them, but it's tricky because people don't think I'm <insert culture/country/ethnicity> enough to be part of any identity. Hope that all makes sense
What stupid of me.
I was stupid to not scroll further than the “related posts”.
I’m so stupid sometimes.
Girl, what are these????? Take all of these, stuff them in a bag and toss them out of the window. Everything you were referring to were legit confusing scenes/layout. Unless self-deprecating humor is a norm in your culture, or your culture is like mine (stupid can be used as a term of endearment for us - Yah… we’re weird )
[/spoiler]
Hehehehe. Yeah, I use it as self-deprecating humor xD I always call myself dummy or stupid and I always call other people dorks xD but it's absolutely not meant negatively. I'm a VERY positive person with a lot of self-deprecating humor. So if you bump into this sorta thing with me, don't pay toooo much attention in it ^^
I do say 'stupid' a lot, now that you pointed it out... But in Dutch I say 'dom' or 'stom' (both stupid) or 'sukkel' (dork) A LOTTTTT. "Ah, wat dom van me." "Ahhhh wat ben ik toch een sukkel." xD
OOOH You guys are just as quirky as us! (In a totally endearing, compliment way!) We call ourselves mangkuk (bowl in Bahasa), stupiak (stupid in Singlish), Clown, and last but not least Warning: super profanity
c*nt = If an Aussie calls you that, you've made your new best friend.
sohai = same meaning as above, but Cantonese. Your new best friend too.
c*nt = If an Aussie calls you that, you've made your new best friend.
sohai = same meaning as above, but Cantonese. Your new best friend too.
I always call the people I like dorks, so in that case, you're all dorks. Did I make a group of new best friend now?
For some reason I like the sohai-one, but maybe that's because it's from a language I don't know. :P In Belgium we don't really have a c*nt alternative we really shout out to people. But that's just because we're sweet Belgians and we would never do something like that
@Skeilah Oof I love that, but that's because I've been called clown and mangkuk and the Aussie/Canto bit too. Does that mean I can call you mangkuk then? Ooh gosh what is happening to the freezer bunnies.
Comments
Sofia Bjergsen and Luna Villareal were just casually standing next to each other xD Oh I'm having a good time right now.
Too Good at Goodbyes forum thread
Too Good at Goodbyes blog
Paragons is also the club were my sim is in now ^^ this really made my day haha. Luna indeed looks very different
@AdamsEve1231 no worries! Don't feel like you need to rush or anything
Kev & Get It • Forum Thread
Too Good at Goodbyes forum thread
Too Good at Goodbyes blog
Oooof at the pace Im publishing my story.... That will be quite a long time xD
Also, and you will see this when you read, but she may or may not have already had a shout out on K&GI ehehehe
Kev & Get It • Forum Thread
I was thinking that exact thing. Haha. I was finishing character profiles over the weekend and one character is obsessed with late night soap operas. I thought of you @ajamkeevin thinking maybe the guy was watching Kev & Get It. My go- to show in universe up to this point has been Specific Hospital or Haute Knights
@Duvelina Sofia invited my latest character to join Paragons recently (in my just for fun file). I turned her down because I'm playing in Sulani and didn't want to travel and now Sofia is showing up everywhere. It's like she's trying to convince me.
Find me elsewhere:
My EA App ID: livinasimminlife
Livin' A Simmin' Life Stories
My Worldbuilding Blog
Simblr
My Sims Pinterest
Kev & Get It • Forum Thread
I just shared her in the Gallery. My EA ID is SCNVM
Specific Hospital is referenced throughout many of my stories. An offline friend of mine, who makes an appearance in a few of my stories via her Simself, always comes up with the best story lines. In universe, Bella Goth once starred on the show.
Find me elsewhere:
My EA App ID: livinasimminlife
Livin' A Simmin' Life Stories
My Worldbuilding Blog
Simblr
My Sims Pinterest
I just knew Athena would meet Curtis in dire conditions again and I guess I was right, but I didn't expect him to be almost killed! Geez. I absolutely loved that scene. The way you orchestrated all those poses was amazing and I don't think I've been as engaged with this story as with this specific scene. I honestly thought something bad was going to befall Curtis, but I'm so glad Athena stepped in although she did endanger herself.
I didn't have much of an opinion on her before, but I like that she's trying to teach her daughter magic. She seems like a good mom. Although she does come across as a bit of an airhead. It feels funny that Athena and Kirino talk about the organization behind Avery's back, like she's the only one out of the loop in the whole story.
It felt tense, like Kian can't do anything right in his father's eyes. I do get why Jules is worried, it's probably something that comes with the job of a police officer. He's trying to protect his son which I understand, but I can also see why it's frustrating from Kian's perspective because he's old enough to make his own choices. Their fight felt natural and realistic.
Kirino is gorgeous and seems pretty cool! She seems very intelligent to me with how she educated herself on so many different topics and manages to disguise herself as Macie.
Masato remains mysterious. I like the intrigue he brings, but he's not particularly likable (as he is not meant to be). I do wonder about his motivations for bringing Athena into the gang and why Curtis got involved at such a young age.
Athena became a much happier, focused person. I've said this on the blog, but it's sad how this organization had to be the thing to set it all in motion, but it's getting Athena somewhere at least. She's not the depressed, lonely girl she was in the beginning. I haven't questioned any of her decisions so far, so I think she's doing pretty great. Once again, I can't relate to jumping into danger like she did with the fight scene but I like that she's different and courageous like that.
Too Good at Goodbyes forum thread
Too Good at Goodbyes blog
Oof thank you!
I agree about the unrealistic part. This was my first clue hinting at Athena’s true identity as not a normal mage. But I know it’ll be seen as a spell-caster perk instead and that works too!
Lol you crack me up about Masato. No redemption for the guy?
Ah so true. She was almost writing off the world and even though she looked like she just threw on whatever, I actually went through CAS for a long time for that ensemble.
5.Thank you for this entire section. This will definitely help me with Season 2.
6.Athena’s generation is the most controversial generation I’ve ever played in sims. I don’t ever engage with the criminal career and always stuck to ‘upstanding’ professions. Coupled with autonomous in game events and everyone almost reaching Elder stage, I started wondering if there was a way to make sense of why my upstanding legacy family fell so hard in this generation and I realise it’s possible while staying true to what happened in game. Aelrendths and Grim’s character were created then during her adult stage when something happened (no spoilers).
Writing
Thank you for your comments on this entire section. They were all helpful, especially the bit at no. 5. You know how much I want to make my story lighter.
Did you mean the night at the lighthouse park? Or the poem part? I’m guessing you mean the lighthouse but I need to make sure so I can do some reflection on those parts
1. Overall, what do you think of the story?
The story grabbed my arm and pulled me in. The story itself is good and before I knew it I was at the end of chapter 5, the characters are cool and oh, the mysteries. I love the mysteries. I stopped myself after reaching chapter 5 because I had a lot more to do and I still have 4 other stories to read, but if I’m at the point where everything else is written, I’ll be back before you know it.
2. Where do you think the story is headed at this point? Any predictions?
Ooof, let me think. Athena is going to be a great spellcaster (I can’t remember the other name you gave it) and at some point Curtis and Kian will be witnesses of that. They will be confused at first but be like’ whooaaaa awesomeee!’ after that. Curtis and Athena will walk the romantic way. I don’t know if they will stay that way, but they’re definitely into each other. Then there’s also Kian’s father who will cause a lot of problems for the three friends, together with those Japanese named people xD that’s what I call Masato and Kirino xD There’s going to happen a lot and although I can’t really make predictions, I’m sure there will be a lot of conflicts, fights, idk what else, … A lot to look forward too!
3. What or who are you hoping gets elaborated upon the most in the next chapters?
I actually don’t mind. I like everyone xD I do want to know a little bit more about Athena’s little brother. In the beginning (when Kian was standing behind the trash), for some reason I thought that Kian was Ares. Like he was following his big sister. Hehe. What stupid of me.
4. I’ve always visualised B2W to be a thriller. Do the ‘thriller’ scenes work for you? If no, why?
Some scenes, absolutely yes, but I like the twist of not being a thriller ALL THE TIME in the beginning. Like when Athena and Curtis are having a good time in the park. The way the story is going, I think this thriller aspect will be more seeable. Or at least, that’s what I hope to see in future chapters.
5. Your feedback will help tremendously as I organise Season 2 of B2W. Which parts do you like? What areas should I focus/improve on? What other advice do you have?
I really have nothing to complain. If I’m reading and I see something I don’t like, I always note it down but I really didn’t write anything that I thought needs improvement. You’re really doing a great job^^
6. Do you have any questions for me?
At the moment, no, but when something pops into my mind, I’ll be right back at ya.
Writing style
1. How would you describe the writing style(s)? Does it work for the story?
I would describe your writing style as easily readable, leaning a little to the formal side. Your priority lays in the conversation between people instead of the details, like ‘what is my sim wearing, what is she thinking in her mind’. I like that. When people go waaayyyyy into detail, my mind gets bored and I’m not into reading that much anymore. For me it’s just good.
2. What do you think of the story’s pacing? Any ‘lags’ or parts that were too fast?
Just like I said in the beginning: I was at the end of chapter 5 before I knew it. I lost a bit of time because I couldn’t find a ‘next’-button, so the chapter index page was open in one tab and I opened the actual chapters in a new tab next to it. But that was just because I was stupid to not scroll further than the “related posts”. The next button was just under that. Ha- hahaha- hahahahah. I’m so stupid sometimes.
3. What do you think about the amount of narrative/description?
It’s just right. I don’t really have to say a lot more about that :P
4. I rely on pictures to speak for themselves sometimes. Have you come across any parts like that? Does this style work for you?
I like that because sometimes I get bored of reading. Pictures tell more than 1 000 words, so I like it when I can just scroll a bit looking at the pictures while they tell the story for me.
5. What do you think of story flow? Any specific scenes to improve upon? (Confusing dialogue, scenes not elaborated)
Maybe sometimes I’m confused when the perspective changes to “I” but the “I” is not Athena but for example Kirino. I don’t know if it is on purpose or if it just ‘happened’, but yeah, that’s the only thing I wanted to point out.
6. Have you noticed any obvious grammatical errors/ writing patterns that needs to be addressed?
Ehmmmmm, no, I don’t think so.
Chapter 1-3
I really like how you word this. I agree with you. And thank you for including your prediction too. I get good insight to the impression I’m making with the story.
You’re right. She unconsciously imbues magic into her physical actions when she gets emotional. I’m staying true to game mechanics that magic awakens during a sim’s teen years, so she hasn’t learnt to manage her magical output . And I love your interpretation of her on all accounts. That was what I thought of her too. Lol I can’t relate to her physical strength either even when I spent my whole teen years learning martial arts. She’s in her own category. She’s not a violent person though, her retaliation against the school bullies are more a sign that she had enough. Hence, her initial response to Steve’s gang was to run away than stand and fight.
I’m glad you like Curtis. I think he makes a good balance too. Athena doesn’t understand him. Therefore we can’t either but he will get his own features so somethings will clear up then. You’ve made some very good points that will be answered in 6-10. But I think you’ve read far enough to know why he wouldn’t consider the latter option.
Ah yeah! It’s the right direction, not necessarily right.
Ahh wow! I’m glad you caught this! I think you’re the first person who noticed this strange bit about Curtis. What do you know? I think intuitively or perceptively, a lot.
Ahh I’m glad you like Grim and Kian. You’re right they’ve not been given enough screen time at this point but I’m glad their impressions were favorable. You’ll see more of the two as the story progresses. Kian’s bartending is a passion. He likes the flexibility and creativity that comes with making new drinks so it’s a dream of his to operate his own bar one day.
Chapter 4-5
Bahaha! So true. Avery has the ‘Cheerful’ trait and I interpret it as always looking at the bright side of life. The problem with that is excessively they come across as insincere and superficial at times. Of course there are lots of merits to having a cheerful disposition of life, it’s just not practical at some point.
Ahh.. I’m glad you find him intriguing. He is a secretive person. Even Kirino doesn't quite know his objectives. There will chapters dedicated to him as the story progresses. I want to respond more, but I can't because spoilers.
Athena has the emotional bomb celebrity quirk, so I interpret her as an emotionally-driven person. She’s inhibited most of the time (run away than engage in an obvious disadvantaged fight) but once she is pushed past a threshold, she lets go of the inhibitions that restrain her and her true self shines. I agree with you on her courage! There’s also the edgier interpretation that she has nothing else to lose so she may as well engage. I think both and more interpretations are possible.
@_Sims_Yimi
Full story Questions
General:
1. Did you enjoy the story?
2. What was your favourite part, and which was your least favourite part?
3. How do you feel about the ending?
4. Do you feel like the story was different from what you expected when you started?
5. What do you think of the darkness from chapter 6 until the end? Was the darkness too much, not much, present but not bad, present but bad? etc
6. What are your predictions for S2? Feel free to answer everything else before attempting this. (if you've answered in the previous questionaire please ignore this. My brain isn't working properly now.)
Story:
Writing
- What do you think of my balancing action/non-action scenes, thrill/non-thrill? Were you able to wind down before the next one, or is the story's arrangement fine with you? Some have told me they needed to take a break from the story because it was so uh full on(?). How was it for you?
- There’s a shift in my writing style/length between chapter 1-5 and the rest of the story. I also experimented with different mediums. What do you think of:
- The comic strip? Was its organisation easy to follow? Were the Speech bubbles clear who’s talking and who’s next?
- Picture Sequences: Did you prefer the speech text organised around the subject in the picture? Or placed at the bottom and color coded?
- Do you like this randomness of switching mediums?
- At some point I tried to add more descriptions/elaboration of the setting and ambience than moving the story along. (Chapter 14.2 and 14.21) What do you think of the writing in these chapters compared to the rest of my writing? Do you have a preference? (If there’s no difference you can say that too.
)
- I overly rely on pictures to describe the setting than write it out. Does this style work for you?- Romance is hard to write and personal. There are some scenes and pictures that were too much for me in the story, but I’m a conservative person. How were they for you? Were any of them cringey? If yes, which one? so I can work on those. And do you have suggestions?
Character:
- Is her character realistic? Is she adequately fleshed out for reader understanding?
- Any bits of her that you find confusing?
- What kind of person do you think she has become at the end of this story? What kind of person do you predict her to be in B2W?
- She insists that Curtis is relatable and her soulmate at the lighthouse scene. Did you find her insistence of them being made for each other believable? Do you have a theory why she thinks so? (I’ve never elaborated on this)
2. What are Curtis's strength and weaknesses? What do you think of Curtis’s Character progression/development? How would you describe him?
- Is he realistic and adequately fleshed out for reader understanding?
- Did you find it strange that he cared for Athena with his background staring at violence every day?
I know I did a lot of explaining of Masato and Kirino’s character in the comments. But without the comments and purely relying on story:
3.Is Masato a believable character?Does his character/personality, his motivations, and actions make sense to you? Is his love for Kirino surprising? Does his metaphoric speech make sense to you? Did the final reveal provide ample explanation of all the schemey scenes he was portrayed in throughout the story? Did everything make sense?
4.Is Kirino a believable character? Does her character, desires and actions (including final action
- Did her scene at the end come as a complete surprise? Were there enough clues given throughout the story for you to find her condition at the end believable/acceptable?
- Was her ‘flashback’ chapter believable?
- Do you think she loves Masato (at the end)?
5.Were Masato and Kirino’s complicated relationship believable?
6.Is Scorcher a believable character? Does his character, desires and actions make sense to you? (I think I gave him a monologue and two lines of dialogue explaining his perspective on life lol)
7.You’ve answered this in the comments but I’ll put this here in case you think I’m biased to them and in case you have more to say.
8. What do you think/feel about Dew?
General and Writing Style
Righto! You’re definitely onto something there!
You’re so right! The problem with being an ESL (English second language learner) is you learn the language formally. So I have to consciously reedit every dialogue to make everyone sound casual. Even when I reply on the forums my main reply is ‘formal’, then I have to reedit my own replies so I don’t sound like a robot but it’s so tiring
Yay! I experimented a bit so I have one comic post in chapter 6, and some ‘picture sequence’ chapters in ch 9. If you like pictures you might like those. (You will find WP sabotaged my comic ‘next Page numbers’ like how it sabotaged the ‘Next’ button too.)
Oh that is such helpful feedback! You’re right. It gets confusing because I do that fairly often (Switching to different perspectives without informing the reader) It will happen again.
Also I need to point these out.
I was stupid to not scroll further than the “related posts”.
I’m so stupid sometimes.
Thank you so much for your answers! I had a blast reading it.
Too Good at Goodbyes forum thread
Too Good at Goodbyes blog
Translation: Hey friend, would you like to eat here or do a takeaway?
Languages here are English, Bahasa, Mandarin, Cantonese and Tamil.
Hehehehe. Yeah, I use it as self-deprecating humor xD I always call myself dummy or stupid and I always call other people dorks xD but it's absolutely not meant negatively. I'm a VERY positive person with a lot of self-deprecating humor. So if you bump into this sorta thing with me, don't pay toooo much attention in it ^^
I do say 'stupid' a lot, now that you pointed it out...
OOOH You guys are just as quirky as us! (In a totally endearing, compliment way!) We call ourselves mangkuk (bowl in Bahasa), stupiak (stupid in Singlish), Clown, and last but not least
Warning: super profanity
sohai = same meaning as above, but Cantonese. Your new best friend too.
I always call the people I like dorks, so in that case, you're all dorks. Did I make a group of new best friend now?
Too Good at Goodbyes forum thread
Too Good at Goodbyes blog