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Dealing with a difficult Grandparent - advice please!
BabySquare
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First off, I'm sorry this isn't the normal fun light-hearted topic we normally see here, but this is the only social media/forum I'm a member of and I don't know who else to ask.
My Grandmother's behaviour is becoming increasingly difficult to deal with.
She's always been a warm, gentle, kind person who always doted on her haughter and always treated her 3 granddaughters equally. Recently this has changed.
She's in her mid 90's, so as you can imagine she has many of her own stresses to deal with, mainly health-related, and obviously her mind isn't as sharp as it once was, but that doesn't excuse some of her behaviour.
Her nastiest behaviour is targeted towards my Mum, who dotes on her as best she can (which is a lot) while juggling a family of her own. My Mum goes out of her way for her Mum and routinely visits her every week at great cost to herself due to her own health problems.
To give an example of how her behaviour towards her daughter has changed, on one occasion when my Mum couldn't make her pre-scheduled visit to see her because she had to take my Dad to hospital, my Grandmother decided to berate her over the phone later, saying things like 'you never have time for me' and 'I don't think I'm going to bother with you any more' and 'if you can't be here when I need you then I don't think you're worth my time' which is so incredibly insulting to my Mum and completely unjustified. She tells my Mum that she's never there for her and doesn't care about her repeatedly which is also incredibly hurtful, and whenever anybody gently corrects her she turns round and does the sane thing again.
It was my Mum's birthday the other day (Grandmother forgot again - these days I remind her) and my Mum and Dad visited her today. Mum was talking about how she enjoyed her birthday and was telling her about the presents we gave her. My Grandmother couldn't have cared less as it didn't affect her. She made no effort to listen to what my Mum was telling her and wandered off into another room as my Mum was talking.
I feel that at this point my Grandmother doesn't care about my Mum anymore.
She's also been treating us Granddaughters very differently.
She treats her other two Granddaughters (my cousins) as if they're perfect. She talks about them as if they're perfect and won't hear a hint of a bad word said about them. I on the other hand can't do anything right - She was so proud of my results when I finished high school, only to then spend the next 10 years convincing herself that I didn't have and would never get any qualifications. I proved her wrong and am now doing a degree - she doesn't see this as a good thing like she did with my cousins; her only opinion of it is that I'm working too hard and therefore doing it wrong because I sometimes can't see her if I'm racing to meet a deadline
One moment that starkly highlighted the difference between how she treats my cousins and how she treats me happened recently.
She's always been generous with the food in her house - anything you want you're welcome to and everyone's equally welcome.
On this occasion she had a large bottle of fruit juice unopened and I was thirsty. I said to her 'do you mind of I open this?' and she said 'no don't, I want that unopened for when *cousin's names* come at the weekend. They can have it.'
I don't mind that she didn't want the bottle opened, I had tea instead, but what hurt was that they could have some and I couldn't. It implied that only a fresh unopened bottle was good enough for my cousins and that I wasn't up to standard.
I later wondered if my reaction was unreasonable as I told my Dad what she said. His response was 'how *plum* rude, so I feel justified in being upset. It really was no big deal, it was just a drink, but the inequality of the situation is a big deal.
edit: also forgot to mention, she's convinced that my Mum and I are going to apocalyptically mess up our lives at some unspecified point in the future, and that we need to maintain good relations with my cousins for when we need them to 'save' us. Give me strength.
I know this is a tough question but does anybody have any advice about how to handle the situation? She only seems to be getting worse.
My Grandmother's behaviour is becoming increasingly difficult to deal with.
She's always been a warm, gentle, kind person who always doted on her haughter and always treated her 3 granddaughters equally. Recently this has changed.
She's in her mid 90's, so as you can imagine she has many of her own stresses to deal with, mainly health-related, and obviously her mind isn't as sharp as it once was, but that doesn't excuse some of her behaviour.
Her nastiest behaviour is targeted towards my Mum, who dotes on her as best she can (which is a lot) while juggling a family of her own. My Mum goes out of her way for her Mum and routinely visits her every week at great cost to herself due to her own health problems.
To give an example of how her behaviour towards her daughter has changed, on one occasion when my Mum couldn't make her pre-scheduled visit to see her because she had to take my Dad to hospital, my Grandmother decided to berate her over the phone later, saying things like 'you never have time for me' and 'I don't think I'm going to bother with you any more' and 'if you can't be here when I need you then I don't think you're worth my time' which is so incredibly insulting to my Mum and completely unjustified. She tells my Mum that she's never there for her and doesn't care about her repeatedly which is also incredibly hurtful, and whenever anybody gently corrects her she turns round and does the sane thing again.
It was my Mum's birthday the other day (Grandmother forgot again - these days I remind her) and my Mum and Dad visited her today. Mum was talking about how she enjoyed her birthday and was telling her about the presents we gave her. My Grandmother couldn't have cared less as it didn't affect her. She made no effort to listen to what my Mum was telling her and wandered off into another room as my Mum was talking.
I feel that at this point my Grandmother doesn't care about my Mum anymore.
She's also been treating us Granddaughters very differently.
She treats her other two Granddaughters (my cousins) as if they're perfect. She talks about them as if they're perfect and won't hear a hint of a bad word said about them. I on the other hand can't do anything right - She was so proud of my results when I finished high school, only to then spend the next 10 years convincing herself that I didn't have and would never get any qualifications. I proved her wrong and am now doing a degree - she doesn't see this as a good thing like she did with my cousins; her only opinion of it is that I'm working too hard and therefore doing it wrong because I sometimes can't see her if I'm racing to meet a deadline
One moment that starkly highlighted the difference between how she treats my cousins and how she treats me happened recently.
She's always been generous with the food in her house - anything you want you're welcome to and everyone's equally welcome.
On this occasion she had a large bottle of fruit juice unopened and I was thirsty. I said to her 'do you mind of I open this?' and she said 'no don't, I want that unopened for when *cousin's names* come at the weekend. They can have it.'
I don't mind that she didn't want the bottle opened, I had tea instead, but what hurt was that they could have some and I couldn't. It implied that only a fresh unopened bottle was good enough for my cousins and that I wasn't up to standard.
I later wondered if my reaction was unreasonable as I told my Dad what she said. His response was 'how *plum* rude, so I feel justified in being upset. It really was no big deal, it was just a drink, but the inequality of the situation is a big deal.
edit: also forgot to mention, she's convinced that my Mum and I are going to apocalyptically mess up our lives at some unspecified point in the future, and that we need to maintain good relations with my cousins for when we need them to 'save' us. Give me strength.
I know this is a tough question but does anybody have any advice about how to handle the situation? She only seems to be getting worse.
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Maybe you can sit down and talk to her on why she's behaving like that. Or even better, you could get your cousins that she like more to ask her. That way she might be more truthful to them and then they can report back to you?
Another thought, and you needn’t answer this here. Is there a fair sum of money involved? Like could someone be in her ear turning her on you & your family to bolster their inheritance?
No money involved her will splits everything equally. I don't know how I could even broach the possibility of dementia with anyone.
I've tried asking her, but she's always tired and wants to talk about something else.
I've asked her about sharing her problems with my cousins. They're mostly health issues and one cousin's a nurse but she's determined not to bother them with her problems.
Another possibility is simple anxiety surrounding her own mortality. As a survivor of stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, I understand all too well, how anxious someone can become when facing up to it.
As far talking to someone about dementia, what about your parents or other family member? Start with something like asking if they think there could be a medical reason for a change in her behavior and suggest that maybe someone could bring it up to doctor. It’s not easy. I’m really sorry that you’re dealing with this. It reminds me of my own grandma but in her case she was always like that, even when my mom was little.
Since you don't report her being forgetful and disoriented or anything else, the sudden personality change that my 2nd grade teacher went through, came to mind.
All you can do for yourself is to limit contact the best you can, talk with your mother about it, try to find out if her health has changed, and realize there are so many possible medical explanations for this at her age, that it's not even likely to be truly personal, though it feels that way. It's not so rare for a person to become cross, agitated, paranoid, to cast blame and accusations, or for old biases that did exist but were formerly hidden, to come to the fore. Who knows what the case is, but it's not you. It's her. And she likely can't help it.
Let's make Liberty and Justice For All a reality.
She had a blood clot on a spine a couple of years ago and became wheelchair dependant. As far as medical reasons go the stress of that could be the cause, and my family believe it is, but I don't think that explains why her personality has changed so noticeably. My Mum is convinced that my Grandmother still has all her marbles intact (her words), and when I tried once to discuss whether there might be some psychological or brain-related reasons the conversation nearly turned into an argument.
The blood clot she had on her spine that I mentioned in her previous message was classed as a stroke, but it was completely separate from her brain, and for about a year after her personality was unaffected. It's only in recent months that her personality has noticeably changed.
I try to support my Mum in any way I can, usually by reassuring her, but it's upsetting as they've known each other and had a great relationship for over 60 years, and as my Grandmother is 95, being realistic we don't know how long she'll be like this - I want whatever time they have together to be as happy and wholesome as it always was. Obviously their relationship is between them and I can't interfere with it, it just upsets me.
It is sad but I ultimately had to pull back on my interactions with her. It felt like she was on a warpath to tear me down and that’s not a healthy energy to consume. You definitely want to be available to take care of her if she needs real help but you also have to protect yourself from negative, harmful energy even if it comes by way of your own family. Sorry you are having to experience this! 😔
There are situations where talking does nothing. Whatever you explain, or tell how you feel, may not be comprehended by the one you are talking to. They are stuck in their own thoughtpatterns. Everyone surrounding them may see, but they themselves have no clue.
It is very difficult to see yourself as you really are. We are blind to many things in ourselves.
One cannot help it either. If there is no self-awareneness of the hurt caused, nothing will change.
Don't let things drag you down. Never give in to emotional blackmail.
Your mother and you treat her right, then be aware of that. The fact that your grandmother sees it otherwise should not influence you in a negative way. Know that she most probably cannot help it.
If you feel that she loves others more while neglecting you, don't get upset. Accept it for what it is, and hope she'll be happy. Wish her the best.
Just take an inner 'distance' from negativity projected towards you, so that it cannot take root and make you bitter.
My grandmother had been diagnosed with lung cancer and my mom being the only one of her sisters living in the same area was the primary caretaker.
It wasn't long after my mom and dad had taken custody of 4 of my nieces and nephews (ranging in age from 5 or 6 all the way to 15). So my mom was dealing with that and now my grandma.
Leading up to her being diagnosed she refused to allow my mom to tell the other three daughters how bad off my grandma was. She only went to the hospital when she was near death. Which lead to her diagnosis.
Fast forward a couple of months of my mom basically living there with her, she would make rude comments and tell my mom she had no idea why she had too many kids (I'm one of 5). There were times my mom would go home crying because she was so hateful. She even accused my mom of stealing towels and a can opener.
We eventually realized she was a lot more scared of dying than we originally thought. And was sort of putting up a wall of sorts. She did eventually apologize to my mom. And of course my mom forgave her.
My grandma was a single mom for a majority of my mom's youngest sister's life. She worked, took care of the house and usually was well in control. The disease was something she couldn't control and it made her act out with my mom. This is what we believe, none of us are physiologists but that's what we observed.
I honestly don't have any advice but I wanted to still let you know someone else has been there too.