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Any advice on feeling kind of excluded at work? :/

SimTrippySimTrippy Posts: 7,651 Member
edited March 2020 in Off Topic Chat
Hey there,

I know it's probably a weird idea to ask this on the sims forum but idrk who to talk to right now and I'd like to hear what you guys think.

I started a new job about 7 months ago and the people in the office were pretty cool and standoffish from the start... But lately, it feels like it's just spiralling out of control. I'm surrounded by a bunch of people who are all in different departments but kind of in the same clique (you know, have lunch together, go for walks together, have a WhatsApp group together - which inevitably leads to them all laughing about something they've sent each other without really including you -, that sort of stuff), and despite various attempts at connecting (bringing in food, asking them about their days/weekends, offering work-related support, complimenting their work or their outfits or whatever when appropriate (and true), etc.) I just can't seem to break the ice at all. And it's soooo frustrating!

It's been bringing me down quite a bit tbh. I'm a hard worker usually, I love delivering good results, but I just can't really be bothered anymore for the past 3 weeks, because I also need that human component to function well at work. Plus, it's such a huge contrast. Where I used to work before, we were all really friendly and mostly pretty inclusive - especially with new people. So now I'm just dreading going in to work at all. I still do of course, but uch, it makes me wish I was one of those people who could stay home for weeks.. 🙄

I don't mean to bore you all or throw a pity party, fortunately my private live is pretty great but I just need to vent... Have any of you had a similar experience? Did things turn around at some point? Do you have any advice for me apart from going in with the "it's just work, I don't need friends here"-mentality? Cause I'm not sure that's working out for me.

Anywho, thanks for reading this far .. :) back to simming 🙃

Comments

  • NoirStasisNoirStasis Posts: 243 Member
    edited March 2020
    This is so relatable. The advice I can give you is don't try too hard and maybe they will start to get curious about you and then want to get to know you, then you can break the ice. Don't stop being friendly, but don't always be the person to say good morning first everytime. I would personally stop commenting on their clothes and stuff, to some people it might come off as trying too hard. Focus on your work, but don't get so uptight and make sure you take breaks, get up for water/coffee break, be seen and maybe when you walk past someone they will call you to their desk because they're curious to know something about you/ need help and then you can find commonplace with them. Have them come to you not you going to them.

    Remember it has nothing to do with you. Some people nowadays are wrapped up into themselves they are fine with their little cliques, so they don't even see that new people could feel excluded out in the work place. They stick to what they know and don't go out of their way.

    Your hobbies, if you have your own desk and have not already, let you hobbies shine through with how you decorate your work area ( like draw or have a drawing of a plumblob in your cubicle; if your office allows that kind of thing)

    Most of all, don't ever try to change yourself to fit in with a group, and remember co-workers will come and go and if you get a new co-worker, if you feel like it, you make them feel welcome so they don't feel like how you are feeling now and you will gain a friend in the workplace and it'll break the cycle.

    Continue to be the person you said you were to your employers that helped you get the job; keep your head up!
    Post edited by NoirStasis on
  • SimTrippySimTrippy Posts: 7,651 Member
    @NoirStasis thank you very much for taking the time to answer :) just to set the record straight: I don't compliment them all the time, just when I genuinely think something is worth complimenting (which doesn't happen every week) - but I understand completely what you were trying to say! Guess I was just trying to point out that I'm really not a cold person that can't say or do anything nice to or for others. I really like making others feel comfortable and good about themselves, so I hate being made to feel redundant in return - unless they need something from me of course.

    But yes, I agree about many of us being too wrapped up in ourselves to really consider how others might be feeling. I'll try to remember that come Monday, maybe the empathy approach will help me keep my focus at least.

    Also you say it's relatable, have you been in a similar situation? Did it eventually get better if you did?

    Thanks for the suggestions anyways, I'll try to take you up on them! Already put up a picture of my dog, so why not add something else. Although they're by and large 40+ and seem to really hate video games so I guess I might have to go for some other hobby (I'm 30ish too though, I just forgot to grow up). 😅
  • NoirStasisNoirStasis Posts: 243 Member
    SimTrippy wrote: »
    @NoirStasis thank you very much for taking the time to answer :) just to set the record straight: I don't compliment them all the time, just when I genuinely think something is worth complimenting (which doesn't happen every week) - but I understand completely what you were trying to say! Guess I was just trying to point out that I'm really not a cold person that can't say or do anything nice to or for others. I really like making others feel comfortable and good about themselves, so I hate being made to feel redundant in return - unless they need something from me of course.

    But yes, I agree about many of us being too wrapped up in ourselves to really consider how others might be feeling. I'll try to remember that come Monday, maybe the empathy approach will help me keep my focus at least.

    Also you say it's relatable, have you been in a similar situation? Did it eventually get better if you did?

    Thanks for the suggestions anyways, I'll try to take you up on them! Already put up a picture of my dog, so why not add something else. Although they're by and large 40+ and seem to really hate video games so I guess I might have to go for some other hobby (I'm 30ish too though, I just forgot to grow up). 😅

    That's good if it makes you feel good to compliment them and it helps them feel good too then don't change that about you. I've seen people first hand be ostracized, only for the fact that they were trying too hard, but I didn't know how often you were complementing them; like you said your not overdoing it especially if its genuine.

    Yeah, just remember it's not you its them kind of thing.

    It is relatable, because have been in multiple situations like yours in and some even worse where I even got picked on at work, but I'm a stronger person because of it. Unfortunately none of the situations got any better for me, but for the last couple of years family and I have moved a lot so I didn't worry about people and I stayed true to myself and didn't change for anyone, I looked for new jobs and moved on. A lot of jobs I have been in people love to smoke and drink, and I do neither of those and I don't gossip about people or any of that stuff they liked to do, it just wasn't me; so to them I was a weirdo.

    I'll be 30 this year, music is a good commonplace with people as well, some songs are just classics that a lot of people love no matter what genre it is. Current events can be ice breakers too. One day you could bring food from a place that you might know the group likes for lunch, maybe they'll bring up they all like to go there too and invite you too.
  • DeKayDeKay Posts: 81,474 Member
    I've been working at my current job for almost 2 years now and no one there is really my friend. So I'm kinda in the same situation as you except that my perspective of the whole aspect is different than yours. I don't need to talk to people in person.

    I usually just hang out here on the forum cuz there's where all my friends are at.

    I did have a new intern some time ago who was assigned to me and now she's a part timer and I'm the closest to her. 😬

    So like what Noir said, you might get a new coworker who you could be friends with. As adults, I find that we don't make friends easily or get close to new people after we already create our own clique. You will just have to accept that, I guess. 😩

    But just keep doing what you're doing now like making small talk, perhaps maybe when they clique isn't all together. 😂 And just start talking to the persons beside you first. That's how we always make friends in school, right? 😬
    My Top Song of the Day: Fancy Footwork by Chromeo
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  • SimTrippySimTrippy Posts: 7,651 Member
    @NoirStasis sorry to hear you've been in various similar situations :( For me, it's actually the 2nd time. Other jobs were all great fortunately, so at least I know it doesn't need to be like this.

    Thanks for commenting to you too @DeKay. I get what you guys are saying about them not needing to be your friends and it just being about work, but if I'm being honest, I've seen really different workplaces, and I'm not about to spend 5+ years around people who just make me feel miserable. You know, I had a bad feeling really early on in this company. After like the first 1-2 weeks I already thought people were really cold somehow. My direct colleague didn't really ask me anything at first, it was almost as if she didn't really want me there. But I tried to let that feeling go and give it an honest shot... but really, if it's not there after 7 months, I don't think it'll still happen.

    I admire the idea of not letting it get to you and just powering through and consider it work and have your friends elsewhere but ... it really matters to me somehow, to have a few confidants at work, to be able to share a drink or a laugh, you know, just appreciating each other as humans, not just invisible robotic colleagues :D Maybe if I hadn't seen anything else, I'd be able to contend myself with this BS, but I have, and I'd rather try finding a place that feels good again - on a human level - than just wait for the clock to hit 5 pm and head right out to my "real" life and friends. That's just not me. That's not the kind of company I want to dedicate myself to.
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