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Between2Worlds [Story] 30 Sep

mercuryfoammercuryfoam Posts: 780 Member
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A series of events found teenage Athena tumbling into a world of fame and infamy, money and power, crime and magic.

Between2Worlds (Season 1 - Teenagedom)



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  • mercuryfoammercuryfoam Posts: 780 Member
    edited August 31
    reserved
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  • mercuryfoammercuryfoam Posts: 780 Member
    Chapter 4.1, Chapter 4.2 and Chapter 4.3 (click to navigate each ch.)

    And I finally finished B2W's poster! Woopie!
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  • lone_catlone_cat Posts: 362 Member
    I just binged your entire story!🙂I'm really enjoying it, the chapters are a good length so it was easy for me to get caught up, but it also kept a good pace. I'm also liking the darker elements of the story. Can't wait to read more!
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  • mercuryfoammercuryfoam Posts: 780 Member
    Hey @lone_cat ! Thanks for the feedback! I've put quite the effort leveling out the dark parts so it's good to know I'm alright so far! :) I'm a realist though, hence the disclaimer in case that side of me decides to go all out.. :|:#

    Chapter 5 is up!
    Chapter 5.1 The puppet master and his play
    and
    Chapter 5.2 Reborn from the ashes!



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  • mercuryfoammercuryfoam Posts: 780 Member
    5.3 Girl's day out
    5.4 The different ways we care


    YAS! These two chapters mark the end of Part I. I need to celebrate with a new banner, when I get around to it :expressionless: Part II is going to be a fun rollercoaster ride now that she has become self-aware <3

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  • mercuryfoammercuryfoam Posts: 780 Member
    edited February 20
    Happy Valentine's Day! No banner but say hi to the central characters in 6.1 Coral Springs High School and 6.2 A taste of fame
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  • mercuryfoammercuryfoam Posts: 780 Member
    6.3 Voice of Emotion vs. Reason
    6.4 Taking down Fisheye (comic)

    And I've learnt how to make poses! Check it out:
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  • mercuryfoammercuryfoam Posts: 780 Member
    b2w150.png long overdue banner
    Ch 8.1 Aelrendths
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  • lone_catlone_cat Posts: 362 Member
    I got behind and need to get caught up again. :( But I'm just popping in to say, I love the new banner and your poses look awesome! :)
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  • mercuryfoammercuryfoam Posts: 780 Member
    @lone_cat Welcome back. Hope you're feeling better. Can't wait for your updates!

    I was gonna ask you to take it slow but wow you're a speedy reader.
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  • ArcherDKArcherDK Posts: 714 Member
    @mercuryfoam
    Finally ogt around to read your story and so far (Chapter 1) I am enjoying it. Well done!
    Bullying resonates with me on a personal level. You've shown the effects of it very well. Will continue reading.
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  • mercuryfoammercuryfoam Posts: 780 Member
    @ArcherDK
    Hihi! Thank you for checking out my story. :smile:
    Thank you for the valuable feedback. The themes in this story are ones I hold dear - that includes bullying and all its variants. So I do hope I communicate them well. I'm not sure if you saw the main page of my blog (which I put a large warning) so if you haven't, I must warn you though that it is also this precise reason that you might not like where this story is headed. And if you do, feel free to stop anytime! Some of the comments I received of this story are dark, heavy and difficult to read. It's not so bad in the beginning I guess, but I don't want to have any reader go "I didn't sign up for this!" midway :D Anyway if you do decide to continue, I welcome your feedback anytime! :smile:
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  • ArcherDKArcherDK Posts: 714 Member
    @mercuryfoam
    I've chosen to read your work by my own free will and thus will not blame you for your content. Have no fear. As for feedback - oh yes, I fully intend to give you all of it, be it positive or negative :)
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  • ArcherDKArcherDK Posts: 714 Member
    @mercuryfoam
    I've reached chapter 5 and I have to say that I really praise your emphasis you Athena's isolation and exclusion. That her privileged life and all the gifts she has come with some very serious drawbacks. One can almost feel just how alone she feels.

    I'm also very interested in this shadowy organisation and their business. So far it feels that this will be a deal with the devil, but I have to read and see.

    I really like the way you've written Grim :-) With that said, I get the feeling that their jovial attitude is a mask to hide their guilt. After all, their job is collect souls. Souls of people who have someone who loves them, someone who doesn't want them gone.

    Will post more later.
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  • mercuryfoammercuryfoam Posts: 780 Member
    @ArcherDK
    Thank you for your comment. The celebrity pack's media attention is really annoying and I thought the sims guru got that part really well. I can't imagine all the problem's they'd cause in a child growing in that environment. (inflated ego? Imposter syndrome? etc) I'm glad you saw her her loneliness. :)

    Ahh you're spot on with Grimmy. I've always felt that the people who smile the brightest are the ones who have seen the worst. Hence why I made him jovial. Okay, I can make him apathetic and it would make sense but I like a happy Grim. He deserves to be happy. :lol:

    Thank you for your thoughts! I like hearing them. :smile:
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  • ArcherDKArcherDK Posts: 714 Member
    @mercuryfoam Just finished reading chapter 6.
    I have to say that so far I can't help but notice classic pattern of damsel-knight mechanic. While well disguised, t is rather obvious - a girl lives an unhappy life, then something happens, guy intervenes and she gets involved in life full of adventure and romance. Granted, Athena is not exactly a damsel-in-distress and Curtis is no knight, but it so noticeable. I have to give you credit for well designed disguise. The take on this formula is a lot darker that i usually is.

    AS for chapter 6 by itself, I think that this school has a secret of some sort. Everything is just too good. Everyone are too friendly. Impossible. Too good to be true. If that is what it is on the face value, then it SEVERELY undermines Athena's character.

    And another thing. Forgive me for this, but for some reason I found entire chapter 6 to be incredibly boring. Other chapters so far had twists, something to keep reader guessing. Here? Not so much.
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  • mercuryfoammercuryfoam Posts: 780 Member
    @ArcherDK :smiley:
    Thank you for your honest feedback! Your observations are spot on as usual. I have thought about how overused the damsel-in distress theme is but decided to go ahead with it since it is my first writing and I wanted to do something I was familiar with. :D Yes, I'm sorry. I used to work in a very rough neighborhood and was very involved with the residents' lives. This story is reflective of that environment and things I've seen. I've cushioned it wherever I can.

    Could you elaborate on " If that is what it is on the face value, then it SEVERELY undermines Athena's character"? I'm not too sure I understand this phrase and what it means.

    And thank you for being candid. I hope it gets better in the next chapters (Usually I'll improve the next update but I've already published it :sweat_smile:) I'll definitely take on your advice for my current chapter. At the end of this story, which is right around the corner, I plan to take a step back and study where I can improve and what worked/didn't. So I'm grateful for your open feedback. It means a lot to me. :smile:
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  • ArcherDKArcherDK Posts: 714 Member
    @mercuryfoam Elaboration granted:
    When I said "face value" and undermining Athena's character. I meant the school and attitude of the students there. But even more importantly, I thought of a character archetype "Mary Sue". Mary sue is a character who is talented, who has it all and everything goes their way. Let's look very carefully at what happened to Athena so far - she is talented, born to privilege, wants more, meets the guy who just so happens to be involved with people who can give her what she wants and do so, and the Curtis himself is not only interesting, but also good looking. If the school has no secret too it and it is ACTUALLY this good and people in it are this good, then it ALMOST makes Athena a Mary sue. Now granted, you've shown that she suffered bullying - something I understand all to well and endured fir the same amount of time as she did - and the deal she struck is clearly a deal with the devil - but she STILL was born to privilege and It DOES benefit her. Mot to mention that she is a mage by blood.

    What I'm trying to say is this - if she is actually happy in this hew school, if everyone actually likes her (Yes, the do. I've read a bit more) then Athena has come up on top after all and her bullying past is not equal to what she's gotten. Basically so far I would call it a good bargain, thus making her tip-toe to being Mary Sue.

    I understand that bullying is very very serious problem and I do understand what's it like to be an outcast and laughing stock of an entire town. I also remember that she's risked her life, but so far everything actually goes her way. Especially magic.

    Don't take it a wrong way - I'm just a little nobody who thinks he knows what he's talking about. Besides - I didn't read the whole work yet.
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  • candycottonchucandycottonchu Posts: 868 Member
    @ArcherDK
    I think the term Mary Sue may be a bit too much here. Yes, it does look like Athena has it all. But, at least in that case of being popular in school, she had to earn it. Granted, she was lucky to be friends with one of the most popular boys in school, but it could have gone the complete different direction. I actually had expected first she'd be bullied behind Kian's back, but it didn't happen, because the situation was averted by Kian and Athena (idk the details anymore I tend to forget xD).
    And let's be honest, Athena was quite an ungrateful b*tch at first xD I really didn't like her. Ok, her father died, and she ended up being bullied, but she didn't make any effort to change it in the next school, and the next. And she closed out her mother and brother.
    Now she finally got a chance to start fresh, and she took it and did it better this time. I think that shows character improvement, what Mary Sues usually don't have (bc they are perfect, so they don't need to, you know :smirk).

    But also I have caught up reading to the last chapter, and I found that the story starts to really run from here, in chapter 6-7!

    @mercuryfoam I love the damsel-in-distress trope ! :D In any variant, girl is rescued by boy, boy is rescued by girl, characters are rescued by their love interests, friends, parents, (ex-)enemies... I like it so much, because it allows the characters to be weak, be overwhelmed with a situation, but then there is someone that helps them out. It is a very sweet way to show that the character is not able to deal with everything alone, but they are not, they have someone that catches their back, up to risking their own life for them.
    I'm a sappy romantic and maybe guilty of overusing that trope (in some butchered versions) myself :D
    It only gets tiresome if it happens over and over again in the same pattern, without the damsel learning anything.
  • ArcherDKArcherDK Posts: 714 Member
    edited May 31
    @candycottonchu
    Okay, lets recount.
    Athena. 1)Born into privilege 2) Rich family 3) Magical aptitude she didn't do squat to earn 4) Is EXPLICITLY described as talented and quick to learn 5) is EXPLICITLY referred to as a brick wall and she shows it by performing a SUPLEX (!!!!) 6) Runs into a guy who JUST happens to be nice and doesn't judge a book by its cover. 7) That very same guy whisk her into life of adventure. 8) Gets offered a deal that gets her into school of her dreams 9) Everyone REALLY quickly begin to like her there 10) One of THE most popular boys pick her up and makes sure she is liked 11) Grim likes her.

    To get all this the had to 1) Endure bullying for long time. Fair point. I get it, I really do. 2) Risked her life. Counter: She literally walked into trouble 2 times. 3) It is obviously a deal with a devil. Agreed. 4) She is in grave danger now. Except her dying would SEVERELY impede Curtis' performance. Thus, she is a ASSET and assets are to be protected and measured carefully. Athena LITERALLY has plot armor!

    Maybe she is not a perfect Mary Sue, but I'm not convinced. I have to read more, of course.
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  • candycottonchucandycottonchu Posts: 868 Member
    @ArcherDK points taken!
    1) yes 2) yes 3) yes, but afaik, magical powers are usually something one is born with. 4) she cheats xD 5) LOL I totes forgot that!
    6, 7, 8) I'd call that plot xD it's mentioned that time passes, but I am glad the 3485939 other things that might happen are not told with the same detail. 9) even here, some time passed. and I think she deserves it by being nice to everyone this time. 10) I'll give you that too 11) what can I say, that is actually 100% Mary Sue material xD

    But, despite all that, she doesn't act much like one. If she'd still be the spoiled little brat and still everyone likes her, that would make her in my eyes one. But maybe my perception is a bit blurred, because I have read much further.
    The first few chapters of the story are indeed, somewhat superficial.
  • ArcherDKArcherDK Posts: 714 Member
    @candycottonchu
    Don't yell at me, please. Any offence was not intentional.
    4) Oh so we're bringing plausible excuses now? There is one. She actually IS talented. What, you've never met anyone who actually just has a knack for something? ?6,7,8) Plot? Okay, here is plot for you. "Do as I say, Athena, or I will make sure you and your mother lose all you have and end up in prison for life. Oh, and I will make sure that Kian gets a sentence, too."

    The funny thins is - the whole story so far is basically Harry Potter retelling. I won't even bother explaining that one.
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  • candycottonchucandycottonchu Posts: 868 Member
    @ArcherDK I am sorry, I didn't mean to be offensive or yelling at you. On the contrary, I really enjoy this discussion.
    4 is literally written in the story :0 tbh it made me giggle.

    Well, the romantic interest has to appear, right? :D and I bet Athena would have preferred life without that kind of adventure. As for the too-good-to-be-true school, if it wasn't something that is very important to her, why would she have agreed to an obvious deal with the devil? That is some shady dude she never has seen before? She doesn't even know what her side of the bargain will be yet.
  • ArcherDKArcherDK Posts: 714 Member
    @candycottonchu
    4) Fair enough, then. My mistake. But that makes her talented at cheating, then, Somebody would be bound to notice, otherwise. Which certainly explains why she is attracted to Curtis. Similar talents.

    As for the school - well I certainly hope it gets better. Because BS, to be honest. No offence to author intended.

    Oh and by the way - the whole everybody likes Athena part. So, you're telling me that girls who CLEARLY have hots for boys there would welcome another girl - COMPETITION - with open arms? Think three tines over. (No offence intended)

    In all honesty it just feels like it's all about talent, so far. Luck of the draw.
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