It's my turn again? That week went by fast!
I'm almost done with Chapter 17: Confessing Sins, it should be posted soonish. Just having a problem working out a scene/reaction. But I'll get there. I'm all ears for questions. And my questions for readers:
If you could change one thing about the story, ie a scene, chapter, etc, what would you change? Why or why not? How do you think the story is going to end? And what do you think is going to happen next?
If you could change one thing about the story, ie a scene, chapter, etc, what would you change? Why or why not?
If there was one thing I could change about the story, it would be the scene where Caleb kills Wiley.
I would change this because, first and foremost, I find this disagreeable, much like Jasmina.
Secondly, I think it brings Caleb down to Wiley's level and then goes further down to Keegan’s level. His morals and ethics were rated an 8 before, however I really don't see this reflected in his behaviour throughout this story besides his obvious bias towards Jasmina.
Caleb, so far, has lost his temper and physically assaulted his sister and buried himself in drugs and alcohol which is incredibly similar to Wiley's behaviour (with the only difference being Wiley’s physical assault was targeted towards Jasmina). The only distinguishing feature here is what drives them to act this way; for Wiley, it's for himself and harms Jasmina, while Caleb is doing it for/because of Jasmina. It's clear that Wiley's selfish nature harms Jasmina directly, but there is no guarantee that Caleb does her no indirect harm. She is always clearly distraught by his actions that she disagrees with, and his tendencies seem like they could take a harmful turn in the long run, especially as Jasmina is not the strongest mentally.
Lastly, the last notably horrendous thing Wiley has done is cheat on Jasmina, which is a terrible thing to do. But compare this to Caleb; though he has never done this he has committed an act which humans should be directly averse to- murder. He may have had good intentions and reasoning for doing so, however there were clearly more civil ways to handle Wiley. This was definitely not an act of self-defense or anything, Wiley had no chance at all. Furthermore, Caleb did torment him for a while before finally ending his life, showing not a shred of remorse when Wiley went to beg for his life. This, to me, brings him very close to the antagonist, Keegan.
Antagonists, by design, are meant to be disliked and provide a contrast to the protagonist characters, unless that was the intended design as is seen with antiheroes but that does not appear to be the case here. It feels like Caleb is becoming more of an antagonist with this scene, and I find that it is hard to sympathise with him thereafter. When he finally does show remorse, it is for the wrong reason. He is simply scared that Jasmina will not like him anymore, not devastated that he has taken a life. If it was established that he has no qualms with this and hunts humans as prey, then this would be more understandable. However, in this work, Caleb is portrayed as in touch with his human side, and therefore I would expect him to hold human values more closely than his vampyric ones. Jasmina has the right idea of being afraid of him. He is an unpredictable, unreliable and destructive being with very misplaced priorities and this is the first time him referring to himself as "monster" actually made sense. I can see her going off him for a while, forming a relationship with Alexander Goth but eventually some circumstance will bring her back to Caleb, but I’ll have a hard time supporting Jasmina and Caleb as a couple in light of everything that has happened. I just can’t think of crimes and evil acts as something romantic.
How do you think the story is going to end? And what do you think is going to happen next?
Like I said above- I think Jasmina will take some time away from Caleb, possibly seeking out a new relationship with Alexander Goth, but she’ll come back to Caleb and they’ll live happily ever after.
@BlackUndecimber I respect your opinion and insight, but I still stand by my decision. I ran the scenario through my head a dozen times but nothing else seemed to work. Like I said before, a drug deal gone bad would not have worked. Keegan would have no reason to kill Wylie- save for the pleasure of feeding and killing. That wouldn't have washed, either. Caleb had a motive- and in that frame of mind/drug-induced state, he was capable of anything. He did what he thought was right- at that time. And maybe his guilt is a little misplaced- but there was remorse afterward.
*shrugs* Maybe I could've done a scenario where Wylie gets busted for drugs (probation violation) and he lands in jail. But he was a disposable character, and I wanted his departure to be more permanent. And cheating was not the worst thing Wylie did to Jasmina- he mentally, emotionally, and physically abused her. He got what he deserved in my book.
I do have plans for Caleb to make amends for everything he's done.
Here's a snippet from Chapter 19 that I'm currently at work on. It should be up in a week or so, maybe sooner.
***
“This just came for you,” Aaron, the mail tech handed Jasmina a brightly wrapped box. “I was on break when some guy walked up and asked me to give it to you.”
A pang of fear struck her. “The guy, what did he look like?”
“Long dark hair, blue eyes. Nice looking. Had a bit of an accent too.” Aaron shrugged. “If I didn’t have a boyfriend, I’d be interested.”
“Thanks,” Jasmina said as the tech pushed his cart of mail up the hall. She returned to her cubicle and set the box on her desk, fingers shaking as she tore an envelope off the top. The note inside was on heavy, cream-colored paper, the spiky block handwriting familiar. My heart bleeds for you. Her trepidation pulsed and the top of the box was pried off. A red-spattered black rose curled around a bleeding human heart…
She screamed.
Here's a snippet from Chapter 19 that I'm currently at work on. It should be up in a week or so, maybe sooner.
***
“This just came for you,” Aaron, the mail tech handed Jasmina a brightly wrapped box. “I was on break when some guy walked up and asked me to give it to you.”
A pang of fear struck her. “The guy, what did he look like?”
“Long dark hair, blue eyes. Nice looking. Had a bit of an accent too.” Aaron shrugged. “If I didn’t have a boyfriend, I’d be interested.”
“Thanks,” Jasmina said as the tech pushed his cart of mail up the hall. She returned to her cubicle and set the box on her desk, fingers shaking as she tore an envelope off the top. The note inside was on heavy, cream-colored paper, the plum block handwriting familiar. My heart bleeds for you. Her trepidation pulsed and the top of the box was pried off. A red-spattered black rose curled around a bleeding human heart…
She screamed.
@BlackUndecimber It was a real human heart in the box. Jasmina took a human anatomy course in college early on, thinking of becoming a nurse or doctor but changed her mind to pursue writing, her passion.
I was just wondering--is it possible to join the reading circle even if I don't have any stories available yet? (I'm working on them but nothing I'm ready to show at the moment.)
But I'd love to get a start by reading others' works and giving feedback if it's useful. :)
Watch me mash together Sims and Pokémon to tell a story about battling glitches in Penny Saves Paldea. Updated every other Thursday.
I was just wondering--is it possible to join the reading circle even if I don't have any stories available yet? (I'm working on them but nothing I'm ready to show at the moment.)
But I'd love to get a start by reading others' works and giving feedback if it's useful.
Hiya! You're welcome to join in the discussion and ask/answer questions even without a story, and of course if you're ready to share stories, you're welcome to do that too
Also, I posted!
Kicking off Gen 4 with 4.1 See You Often, featuring new faces.
I was just wondering--is it possible to join the reading circle even if I don't have any stories available yet? (I'm working on them but nothing I'm ready to show at the moment.)
But I'd love to get a start by reading others' works and giving feedback if it's useful.
Hiya! You're welcome to join in the discussion and ask/answer questions even without a story, and of course if you're ready to share stories, you're welcome to do that too
Also, I posted!
Kicking off Gen 4 with 4.1 See You Often, featuring new faces.
I'm so sorry, @katrinasforest . I dropped the ball this week. Yes, of course you can join and when you've got a simLit up, just post it here and I'll add it to the front page.
Okay, I am rapidly playing catch up on reading everyone's stories.
@BlackUndecimber, I hope it's okay I'm just reading the most recent chapter. I want to participate in the discussion, and since it's the start of a new generation, I'm hoping I'll be able to follow along without too much trouble.
I'm a sci-fi fan, so I'm pretty accustomed to being plopped in the middle of a world and figuring stuff out as I go. ^_^
Watch me mash together Sims and Pokémon to tell a story about battling glitches in Penny Saves Paldea. Updated every other Thursday.
Hi everyone,
So this week is @BlackUndecimber 's week in the reading circle.
@NyteRose really sorry about not replying to your questions. I've been in and out of medical appointments. I'm going to answer your questions later this week.
Okay, I am rapidly playing catch up on reading everyone's stories.
@BlackUndecimber, I hope it's okay I'm just reading the most recent chapter. I want to participate in the discussion, and since it's the start of a new generation, I'm hoping I'll be able to follow along without too much trouble.
I'm a sci-fi fan, so I'm pretty accustomed to being plopped in the middle of a world and figuring stuff out as I go. ^_^
That's alright with me I've started a new generation so only half the old cast will still be around anyway xD
Feel free to ask me any questions, and do tell me how you find it! I'm open to any feedback or criticism
First off, I love all the great names you have for your characters. They're beautiful and unique without being off-the-wall or difficult to remember, either.
I laughed when Deneb points out how it seems an awful hassle to find a trustworthy person to clean your house when you could just do it yourself.
The line, "I am! There he is!" sounded a bit formal to me, but I went the assumption this is a formal character (kids can be formal too, after all), and it didn't throw me off or anything.
I love how Deneb makes her unhappiness known purely by her actions (scooping up the marbles, ect.) She doesn't have to say anything aloud.
This might be my first visit to this family of characters, but I already feel grounded. Nice work!
Watch me mash together Sims and Pokémon to tell a story about battling glitches in Penny Saves Paldea. Updated every other Thursday.
@simscognito Yeah, no problem. Medical appointments suck
Posted this in the Writer's Lounge, but decided to post here too.
Alex and Jasmina have gone out on their first date, so I'm looking for cute fluff ideas for Chapter 20. Read about their date here
I want the next couple chapters (maybe three) to be cute and fluffy as to lighten up the story some. Any ideas/feedback are welcomed. Thanks
First off, I love all the great names you have for your characters. They're beautiful and unique without being off-the-wall or difficult to remember, either.
I laughed when Deneb points out how it seems an awful hassle to find a trustworthy person to clean your house when you could just do it yourself.
The line, "I am! There he is!" sounded a bit formal to me, but I went the assumption this is a formal character (kids can be formal too, after all), and it didn't throw me off or anything.
I love how Deneb makes her unhappiness known purely by her actions (scooping up the marbles, ect.) She doesn't have to say anything aloud.
This might be my first visit to this family of characters, but I already feel grounded. Nice work!
Thanks for the thoughts!
A little on the setting: The time period here is about (give or take) late 1800s or early 1900s, but with an alternate history (which I don't go much into, but still). I try to keep that in mind when writing, but I'm not well versed in what kind of language they used back then, so if the characters seem stiff or formal that's probably why. xD I once saw a website that could tell me if phrases were time period accurate or not but I've lost it since- if anyone knows where it is, could you please tell me.
I'm hoping to get another chapter posted tonight. If anyone has questions please ask!
@BlackUndecimber Makes sense. And that sounds like an awesome website! If you ever come across it again, let me know.
@NyteRose Hmm... Well, if you want some angst with your fluff, they could go on another date to the same cafe where Jasmina had her first date with Caleb.
Other ideas... An art museum? A park at night? Maybe the ruins or the bluffs in Widenburg if they want to be adventurous.
Reading the last chapter, since she reacts well to him being forthright about things, he could playfully confess a whole bunch of mundane stuff. IE "Once, I drank milk from the carton and put it back without telling my roommate." Or "Once, a cashier gave me an extra quarter in change and I didn't return it." He could then press her for her secrets which could be anything from "The villain in my story is an avatar for my second grade gym teacher" to "my last boyfriend was a vampire."
Hope this helps. You've got a lot of possibilities.
I'm working on my SimFic--tentatively titled Newcrest Rising--today so I can put the prologue up on my website tomorrow or Friday. (I'm doing the pictures in comic form, which is a lot of fun.)
Watch me mash together Sims and Pokémon to tell a story about battling glitches in Penny Saves Paldea. Updated every other Thursday.
Comments
Nyterose, do you have any questions for us?
Also, readers, you're welcome to ask Nyterose questions too.
I'm almost done with Chapter 17: Confessing Sins, it should be posted soonish. Just having a problem working out a scene/reaction. But I'll get there.
If you could change one thing about the story, ie a scene, chapter, etc, what would you change? Why or why not?
How do you think the story is going to end? And what do you think is going to happen next?
That's all I can think of for now
Chapter forty four: A Secret Plan
[links removed - EA_Leeloo]
If there was one thing I could change about the story, it would be the scene where Caleb kills Wiley.
I would change this because, first and foremost, I find this disagreeable, much like Jasmina.
Secondly, I think it brings Caleb down to Wiley's level and then goes further down to Keegan’s level. His morals and ethics were rated an 8 before, however I really don't see this reflected in his behaviour throughout this story besides his obvious bias towards Jasmina.
Caleb, so far, has lost his temper and physically assaulted his sister and buried himself in drugs and alcohol which is incredibly similar to Wiley's behaviour (with the only difference being Wiley’s physical assault was targeted towards Jasmina). The only distinguishing feature here is what drives them to act this way; for Wiley, it's for himself and harms Jasmina, while Caleb is doing it for/because of Jasmina. It's clear that Wiley's selfish nature harms Jasmina directly, but there is no guarantee that Caleb does her no indirect harm. She is always clearly distraught by his actions that she disagrees with, and his tendencies seem like they could take a harmful turn in the long run, especially as Jasmina is not the strongest mentally.
Lastly, the last notably horrendous thing Wiley has done is cheat on Jasmina, which is a terrible thing to do. But compare this to Caleb; though he has never done this he has committed an act which humans should be directly averse to- murder. He may have had good intentions and reasoning for doing so, however there were clearly more civil ways to handle Wiley. This was definitely not an act of self-defense or anything, Wiley had no chance at all. Furthermore, Caleb did torment him for a while before finally ending his life, showing not a shred of remorse when Wiley went to beg for his life. This, to me, brings him very close to the antagonist, Keegan.
Antagonists, by design, are meant to be disliked and provide a contrast to the protagonist characters, unless that was the intended design as is seen with antiheroes but that does not appear to be the case here. It feels like Caleb is becoming more of an antagonist with this scene, and I find that it is hard to sympathise with him thereafter. When he finally does show remorse, it is for the wrong reason. He is simply scared that Jasmina will not like him anymore, not devastated that he has taken a life. If it was established that he has no qualms with this and hunts humans as prey, then this would be more understandable. However, in this work, Caleb is portrayed as in touch with his human side, and therefore I would expect him to hold human values more closely than his vampyric ones. Jasmina has the right idea of being afraid of him. He is an unpredictable, unreliable and destructive being with very misplaced priorities and this is the first time him referring to himself as "monster" actually made sense. I can see her going off him for a while, forming a relationship with Alexander Goth but eventually some circumstance will bring her back to Caleb, but I’ll have a hard time supporting Jasmina and Caleb as a couple in light of everything that has happened. I just can’t think of crimes and evil acts as something romantic.
How do you think the story is going to end? And what do you think is going to happen next?
Like I said above- I think Jasmina will take some time away from Caleb, possibly seeking out a new relationship with Alexander Goth, but she’ll come back to Caleb and they’ll live happily ever after.
Winter's Alchemy | Britechester After Dark - Forum thread
*shrugs* Maybe I could've done a scenario where Wylie gets busted for drugs (probation violation) and he lands in jail. But he was a disposable character, and I wanted his departure to be more permanent. And cheating was not the worst thing Wylie did to Jasmina- he mentally, emotionally, and physically abused her. He got what he deserved in my book.
I do have plans for Caleb to make amends for everything he's done.
Interlude: The Pen Pals
@NyteRose I'll answer your question in a bit. XD
[links removed - EA_Leeloo]
“This just came for you,” Aaron, the mail tech handed Jasmina a brightly wrapped box. “I was on break when some guy walked up and asked me to give it to you.”
A pang of fear struck her. “The guy, what did he look like?”
“Long dark hair, blue eyes. Nice looking. Had a bit of an accent too.” Aaron shrugged. “If I didn’t have a boyfriend, I’d be interested.”
“Thanks,” Jasmina said as the tech pushed his cart of mail up the hall. She returned to her cubicle and set the box on her desk, fingers shaking as she tore an envelope off the top. The note inside was on heavy, cream-colored paper, the spiky block handwriting familiar. My heart bleeds for you. Her trepidation pulsed and the top of the box was pried off. A red-spattered black rose curled around a bleeding human heart…
She screamed.
Does anyone have questions for me?
Yes. How did she know it was a human heart?
Winter's Alchemy | Britechester After Dark - Forum thread
@BlackUndecimber we will start discussing your story next week, if that's okay?
Yup, that's all good
Winter's Alchemy | Britechester After Dark - Forum thread
Chapter forty five: The Boss
[links removed - EA_Leeloo]
I was just wondering--is it possible to join the reading circle even if I don't have any stories available yet? (I'm working on them but nothing I'm ready to show at the moment.)
But I'd love to get a start by reading others' works and giving feedback if it's useful. :)
Hiya! You're welcome to join in the discussion and ask/answer questions even without a story, and of course if you're ready to share stories, you're welcome to do that too
Also, I posted!
Kicking off Gen 4 with 4.1 See You Often, featuring new faces.
[links removed - EA_Leeloo]
Winter's Alchemy | Britechester After Dark - Forum thread
I'm so sorry, @katrinasforest . I dropped the ball this week. Yes, of course you can join and when you've got a simLit up, just post it here and I'll add it to the front page.
[links removed - EA_Leeloo]
Chapter 19: "Another First Date" is now posted. It's a tad longer than usual. Enjoy
@BlackUndecimber, I hope it's okay I'm just reading the most recent chapter. I want to participate in the discussion, and since it's the start of a new generation, I'm hoping I'll be able to follow along without too much trouble.
I'm a sci-fi fan, so I'm pretty accustomed to being plopped in the middle of a world and figuring stuff out as I go. ^_^
So this week is @BlackUndecimber 's week in the reading circle.
@NyteRose really sorry about not replying to your questions. I've been in and out of medical appointments. I'm going to answer your questions later this week.
@katrinasforest of course that's totally fine.
That's alright with me
Feel free to ask me any questions, and do tell me how you find it! I'm open to any feedback or criticism
Winter's Alchemy | Britechester After Dark - Forum thread
First off, I love all the great names you have for your characters. They're beautiful and unique without being off-the-wall or difficult to remember, either.
I laughed when Deneb points out how it seems an awful hassle to find a trustworthy person to clean your house when you could just do it yourself.
The line, "I am! There he is!" sounded a bit formal to me, but I went the assumption this is a formal character (kids can be formal too, after all), and it didn't throw me off or anything.
I love how Deneb makes her unhappiness known purely by her actions (scooping up the marbles, ect.) She doesn't have to say anything aloud.
This might be my first visit to this family of characters, but I already feel grounded. Nice work!
Posted this in the Writer's Lounge, but decided to post here too.
Alex and Jasmina have gone out on their first date, so I'm looking for cute fluff ideas for Chapter 20. Read about their date here
I want the next couple chapters (maybe three) to be cute and fluffy as to lighten up the story some. Any ideas/feedback are welcomed. Thanks
Thanks for the thoughts!
A little on the setting: The time period here is about (give or take) late 1800s or early 1900s, but with an alternate history (which I don't go much into, but still). I try to keep that in mind when writing, but I'm not well versed in what kind of language they used back then, so if the characters seem stiff or formal that's probably why. xD I once saw a website that could tell me if phrases were time period accurate or not but I've lost it since- if anyone knows where it is, could you please tell me.
I'm hoping to get another chapter posted tonight. If anyone has questions please ask!
Winter's Alchemy | Britechester After Dark - Forum thread
@NyteRose Hmm... Well, if you want some angst with your fluff, they could go on another date to the same cafe where Jasmina had her first date with Caleb.
Other ideas... An art museum? A park at night? Maybe the ruins or the bluffs in Widenburg if they want to be adventurous.
Reading the last chapter, since she reacts well to him being forthright about things, he could playfully confess a whole bunch of mundane stuff. IE "Once, I drank milk from the carton and put it back without telling my roommate." Or "Once, a cashier gave me an extra quarter in change and I didn't return it." He could then press her for her secrets which could be anything from "The villain in my story is an avatar for my second grade gym teacher" to "my last boyfriend was a vampire."
Hope this helps. You've got a lot of possibilities.
I'm working on my SimFic--tentatively titled Newcrest Rising--today so I can put the prologue up on my website tomorrow or Friday. (I'm doing the pictures in comic form, which is a lot of fun.)