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The Feedback Thread - For All Games!

Comments

  • CathyTeaCathyTea Posts: 22,851 Member
    MadameLee wrote: »
    CathyTea wrote: »
    MadameLee wrote: »
    I need a reason for a high school class to talk about mental health

    At the district where I work, a lot of classes seem to visit issues during specific months: Mental Health Month, for example. Also, when a specific reason comes up, like a story in the news or an individual who's a member of the school community affected by the issue, it's talked about.

    I just realised that I could do a very interesting discussion about mental health both because of the book that (Jane) will be re-reading since she read it in her spare time before but she's reading it again for an English class and she can also discuss the fact (at the high school) her triple great-aunt and her double great grandparents suffered from mental health since in my mind her ancestors are HER history. Of course she will bash the Nextflix show of the same name once.



    different question-how many years would it have been from the time Gen 4 was 6-7 years old to now Gen 7 (15yr)?

    Anywhere from 65 - 90 years, I'd guess.
    Cathy Tea's SimLit Anthology

    Dragon Name: Hywicoes | House: Ravenclaw | Wand: Dogwood, Unicorn hair 11 ¼" , Suprisingly Swishy
  • MadameLeeMadameLee Posts: 31,910 Member
    CathyTea wrote: »
    MadameLee wrote: »
    CathyTea wrote: »
    MadameLee wrote: »
    I need a reason for a high school class to talk about mental health

    At the district where I work, a lot of classes seem to visit issues during specific months: Mental Health Month, for example. Also, when a specific reason comes up, like a story in the news or an individual who's a member of the school community affected by the issue, it's talked about.

    I just realised that I could do a very interesting discussion about mental health both because of the book that (Jane) will be re-reading since she read it in her spare time before but she's reading it again for an English class and she can also discuss the fact (at the high school) her triple great-aunt and her double great grandparents suffered from mental health since in my mind her ancestors are HER history. Of course she will bash the Nextflix show of the same name once.



    different question-how many years would it have been from the time Gen 4 was 6-7 years old to now Gen 7 (15yr)?

    Anywhere from 65 - 90 years, I'd guess.

    so it will mean about 72 years when I have Henry go off to war (the same war that Wyatt's family escaped from)
    kikWQMd.jpg
  • 15aewar15aewar Posts: 1,051 Member
    I write a challenge blog here on the forums. It's about the strange lives of the residents of Newcrest and what happens when a rich stranger comes to town. It's still in the "prologue" phase, but there's some stories developing there already.

    I'm always looking for ways to improve my writing. Any tips you guys can give me are greatly appreciated!

    The post: http://forums.thesims.com/en_US/discussion/comment/16029584/#Comment_16029584
  • MadameLeeMadameLee Posts: 31,910 Member
    15aewar wrote: »
    I write a challenge blog here on the forums. It's about the strange lives of the residents of Newcrest and what happens when a rich stranger comes to town. It's still in the "prologue" phase, but there's some stories developing there already.

    I'm always looking for ways to improve my writing. Any tips you guys can give me are greatly appreciated!

    The post: http://forums.thesims.com/en_US/discussion/comment/16029584/#Comment_16029584

    looks pretty good
    kikWQMd.jpg
  • 15aewar15aewar Posts: 1,051 Member
    Sorry to bother you guys again so soon, but here's a link to a semi-new story I've been working on, set in the same universe.

    Chapter I
    Chapter II
    Chapter III

    I have a few questions about my writing:
    1. What are my strengths, if any? (You can skip this one if you want.)
    2. What is your impression of Alexander? What kind of person do you think he is?
    3. I've chosen to write this story in a very flowery style. Does it help with the mood, or does it detract from the story?
    4. What do you think I could improve on? (This can be anything, even grammar.)
    5. Do you want to know what happens next?
  • elifdapetonelifdapeton Posts: 217 Member
    edited September 2017
    @15aewar

    What are my strengths, if any? (You can skip this one if you want.)


    I like the way you set up everything. The letter to "the readers" and whoever Wilma concept is interesting. I don't know if you're still going to do the limited pictures thing but I really like it, since it's supposed to be a mystery.

    What is your impression of Alexander? What kind of person do you think he is?


    I never like Alexander since TS2 but I guess you're asking about your Alexander. Hehe. Maybe it's just me but reading something where a premade sims are present are really making me compare it to the one I played with. Okay, move on!

    I'm still confused on what he's doing and why is he sending this letter. At first, it's weird for me that the one on the picture was a female writing stuff and it ended up signed by Alexander. I guess it's supposed to be Wilma?

    His little self I guess is both curious and rambunctious. He's been telling us he did something but since it's still the prologue I guess it's fair that he's holding back information

    I've chosen to write this story in a very flowery style. Does it help with the mood, or does it detract from the story?

    Love it. It definitely helps the mood. Although I chuckled a bit when Katrina said Poop, I guess I'm still five years old after all these years

    What do you think I could improve on? (This can be anything, even grammar.)

    I don't know. I guess some parts are confusing especially the random words that I googled and have no translation. But it probably has a purpose. Also, since this is a mystery I guess, it made sense that you want to confuse people of the situation.

    Do you want to know what happens next?

    Of course!
    peoples%2Blegacy.gif
    Peoples Legacy
    | Legacy Challenge Story. 18+
  • StoriedStormStoriedStorm Posts: 3,004 Member
    I just posted the third chapter of my new story "The Family Black" and was wondering if anyone could give me their thoughts on the story so far.

    Some of my concerns looking back on it:

    1. How is the first chapter as a hook? While it was an intentional choice I feel like it may have been a bit overly sappy/cheesy and part of me worries that may turn people off before they get to the next two chapters where things get a little more involved and slightly darker elements start to come into play.

    2. Was everything in the story so far clear? Any major confusion about stuff that may have not been properly explained?

    3. Where there any elements of the three chapters that you really liked or that really turned you off? If the latter what about them and how might I improve them in the future?

    4. How is the pacing in your opinion? I'm trying not to have things feel rushed but at the same time these first three chapters are kind of the prologue leading into the main idea of the story and I didn't want to drag them out too much either.
  • 15aewar15aewar Posts: 1,051 Member
    I just posted the third chapter of my new story "The Family Black" and was wondering if anyone could give me their thoughts on the story so far.

    Some of my concerns looking back on it:

    1. How is the first chapter as a hook? While it was an intentional choice I feel like it may have been a bit overly sappy/cheesy and part of me worries that may turn people off before they get to the next two chapters where things get a little more involved and slightly darker elements start to come into play.

    2. Was everything in the story so far clear? Any major confusion about stuff that may have not been properly explained?

    3. Where there any elements of the three chapters that you really liked or that really turned you off? If the latter what about them and how might I improve them in the future?

    4. How is the pacing in your opinion? I'm trying not to have things feel rushed but at the same time these first three chapters are kind of the prologue leading into the main idea of the story and I didn't want to drag them out too much either.

    Lots of great questions! As I'm a novice writer, too, please take the following advice with a grain of salt.
    1. I want to start off by saying that I think the protagonists are very likable. I think Chapter 1 does a very good job at characterizing their relationship. Although the reader isn't given much time to get to know Rosea and Rylie, the fact that the two care deeply for one another is heart-warming.

    2. Although I didn't find anything too confusing, I do wonder why the story is called "The Family Black." Of course, that may be answered later.

    3. As I said before, I think this piece's strength lies in the characterization of the protagonists. If there's anything that detracts from it, it's the overuse of adverbs and run-on sentences. (Spoilered for the long reply to this question.)
    For example, this sentence
    Rosea replied eyes still closed as she continued trying to channel her energy into Rylie.
    could be improved by separating the actions, like this:
    Rosea replied. Her eyes were still closed. She was focused on channeling her energy into Rylie.
    (Note: The period after "Rosea replied." is essential. Otherwise, it becomes a run-on sentence. The second part is optional - a matter of preference. :) )
    Choosing more specific verbs can help you rely on adverbs (and adjectives) less. I like to have a tab open to thesaurus.com in my browser when I'm writing. Take, for example, this passage:
    The countess paused at this line as the air caught in Rosea’s throat sticking firmly there as the countess’ grin widened slightly before continuing.
    First, let's separate some actions so things are clearer.
    The countess paused at this line. The air caught in Rosea's throat, sticking firmly there. The countess' grin widened slightly before she continued.
    Ask yourself, is there anything superfluous in this passage? If I take something out, will I be getting the same image? For example, if air is caught in your throat, does the reader need to be told that it's stuck firmly there? Is there a better way to describe this feeling, such as using an imaginative simile?

    4. Things do feel a bit rushed. I'm not sure how to remedy this though. Maybe using a bit of in medias res and some flashbacks could help the pacing in the future?
  • StoriedStormStoriedStorm Posts: 3,004 Member
    15aewar wrote: »
    I just posted the third chapter of my new story "The Family Black" and was wondering if anyone could give me their thoughts on the story so far.

    Some of my concerns looking back on it:

    1. How is the first chapter as a hook? While it was an intentional choice I feel like it may have been a bit overly sappy/cheesy and part of me worries that may turn people off before they get to the next two chapters where things get a little more involved and slightly darker elements start to come into play.

    2. Was everything in the story so far clear? Any major confusion about stuff that may have not been properly explained?

    3. Where there any elements of the three chapters that you really liked or that really turned you off? If the latter what about them and how might I improve them in the future?

    4. How is the pacing in your opinion? I'm trying not to have things feel rushed but at the same time these first three chapters are kind of the prologue leading into the main idea of the story and I didn't want to drag them out too much either.

    Lots of great questions! As I'm a novice writer, too, please take the following advice with a grain of salt.
    1. I want to start off by saying that I think the protagonists are very likable. I think Chapter 1 does a very good job at characterizing their relationship. Although the reader isn't given much time to get to know Rosea and Rylie, the fact that the two care deeply for one another is heart-warming.

    2. Although I didn't find anything too confusing, I do wonder why the story is called "The Family Black." Of course, that may be answered later.

    3. As I said before, I think this piece's strength lies in the characterization of the protagonists. If there's anything that detracts from it, it's the overuse of adverbs and run-on sentences. (Spoilered for the long reply to this question.)
    For example, this sentence
    Rosea replied eyes still closed as she continued trying to channel her energy into Rylie.
    could be improved by separating the actions, like this:
    Rosea replied. Her eyes were still closed. She was focused on channeling her energy into Rylie.
    (Note: The period after "Rosea replied." is essential. Otherwise, it becomes a run-on sentence. The second part is optional - a matter of preference. :) )
    Choosing more specific verbs can help you rely on adverbs (and adjectives) less. I like to have a tab open to thesaurus.com in my browser when I'm writing. Take, for example, this passage:
    The countess paused at this line as the air caught in Rosea’s throat sticking firmly there as the countess’ grin widened slightly before continuing.
    First, let's separate some actions so things are clearer.
    The countess paused at this line. The air caught in Rosea's throat, sticking firmly there. The countess' grin widened slightly before she continued.
    Ask yourself, is there anything superfluous in this passage? If I take something out, will I be getting the same image? For example, if air is caught in your throat, does the reader need to be told that it's stuck firmly there? Is there a better way to describe this feeling, such as using an imaginative simile?

    4. Things do feel a bit rushed. I'm not sure how to remedy this though. Maybe using a bit of in medias res and some flashbacks could help the pacing in the future?

    Thanks for the feedback :)
    To explain the title. Rosea's full name is Rosea Black. Plus as of the latest chapter Riley became bonded with her which as far as the story is concerned is a marriage of sorts making her now Rylie Black. So it's mostly just based off the main characters name. It's also a slight play on words since the color black is generally considered representative of darkness and evil so tying into Rosea's vampiric nature the title can also be taken to basically mean the dark family. I originally was just going to call it The Black Family but the multiple meanings that phrase can take led me to switch it around for the sake of clarity (and it sounds a bit cooler in my opinion). The title technically also has the tagline Lost in the Night which has more specific meaning that will become clear as the story goes but as of the moment I think that's only on my banner.

    As to the run on sentences that's an issue I've been aware of for a while. I just never think about it when I'm writing and have trouble when I do try to fix it as it kind of hurts the way things sound in my head. I think I've just been doing it so long that my brain just has grown to like the sound of run on sentences which makes it an oddly tough habit to kick. I do work at that occasionally but I've never found a method to force myself to stick with it.

    The adverb thing isn't something I've really thought about before so I will definitely work on that. I will probably at the very least do like you mentioned and open up thesaurus.com when writing.

    The flashback things a nice idea though I'm not sure of anything that would really fit at the moment. Definitely something to keep in mind though.

    Thanks :)
  • StoriedStormStoriedStorm Posts: 3,004 Member
    Just a quick additional question regarding my story. For those who may be familiar with southern accents how am I doing with my character Rylie. I'm trying to balance having enough phrasing and touches to make it clear that she has an accent without going too overboard with it and having it come off cringeworthy or forced.
  • 15aewar15aewar Posts: 1,051 Member
    Just a quick additional question regarding my story. For those who may be familiar with southern accents how am I doing with my character Rylie. I'm trying to balance having enough phrasing and touches to make it clear that she has an accent without going too overboard with it and having it come off cringeworthy or forced.

    To be honest, it came off a bit forced to me. Writing in dialect is tough, though. It might help you to look for examples of dialect in literature, like The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (which is probably closest to the effect you're trying to achieve,) Their Eyes Were Watching God, or The Secret Garden.

    This is my latest chapter: https://rendorasims.wordpress.com/chapters/prologue-chapter-v/
    I had a few questions about how I could improve:
    1. The second part of the chapter is written like a play. Was this format a good choice for the scene? How does it affect your perception of Katrina and Don? What is the mood?
    2. One of Alexander's many secrets was revealed in this chapter. What is your initial reaction? Was there enough build up? Is there enough tension?
    3. Is there something I did well?
    4. Where could I improve?
  • StoriedStormStoriedStorm Posts: 3,004 Member
    15aewar wrote: »
    Just a quick additional question regarding my story. For those who may be familiar with southern accents how am I doing with my character Rylie. I'm trying to balance having enough phrasing and touches to make it clear that she has an accent without going too overboard with it and having it come off cringeworthy or forced.

    To be honest, it came off a bit forced to me. Writing in dialect is tough, though. It might help you to look for examples of dialect in literature, like The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (which is probably closest to the effect you're trying to achieve,) Their Eyes Were Watching God, or The Secret Garden.

    This is my latest chapter: https://rendorasims.wordpress.com/chapters/prologue-chapter-v/
    I had a few questions about how I could improve:
    1. The second part of the chapter is written like a play. Was this format a good choice for the scene? How does it affect your perception of Katrina and Don? What is the mood?
    2. One of Alexander's many secrets was revealed in this chapter. What is your initial reaction? Was there enough build up? Is there enough tension?
    3. Is there something I did well?
    4. Where could I improve?

    Yeah dialects are hard. I read up a bit before hand and the general suggestion was to try and avoid writing directly in the dialect and instead lean towards phrases and things like that but apparently I still am not doing it quite right :confused:


    As to your chapter:
    1. I normally don't but in this case I actually liked the play style. It had kind of an old fashioned vibe to it which worked with the kind of tone your story has going.
    2. I honestly wasn't that surprised. I kind of assumed that he was saying the words himself though I didn't realize he wasn't aware he was saying them.
    3. The letter reads much more like a letter this time, though it still seems to slip into talking more in present tense though I'm not sure if that gradual shift was by intentional design or not.
  • AudreyFldAudreyFld Posts: 6,511 Member
    @15aewar wrote: »
    I just posted the third chapter of my new story "The Family Black" and was wondering if anyone could give me their thoughts on the story so far.

    Some of my concerns looking back on it:

    1. How is the first chapter as a hook? While it was an intentional choice I feel like it may have been a bit overly sappy/cheesy and part of me worries that may turn people off before they get to the next two chapters where things get a little more involved and slightly darker elements start to come into play.

    2. Was everything in the story so far clear? Any major confusion about stuff that may have not been properly explained?

    3. Where there any elements of the three chapters that you really liked or that really turned you off? If the latter what about them and how might I improve them in the future?

    4. How is the pacing in your opinion? I'm trying not to have things feel rushed but at the same time these first three chapters are kind of the prologue leading into the main idea of the story and I didn't want to drag them out too much either.

    Lots of great questions! As I'm a novice writer, too, please take the following advice with a grain of salt.
    1. I want to start off by saying that I think the protagonists are very likable. I think Chapter 1 does a very good job at characterizing their relationship. Although the reader isn't given much time to get to know Rosea and Rylie, the fact that the two care deeply for one another is heart-warming.

    2. Although I didn't find anything too confusing, I do wonder why the story is called "The Family Black." Of course, that may be answered later.

    3. As I said before, I think this piece's strength lies in the characterization of the protagonists. If there's anything that detracts from it, it's the overuse of adverbs and run-on sentences. (Spoilered for the long reply to this question.)
    For example, this sentence
    Rosea replied eyes still closed as she continued trying to channel her energy into Rylie.
    could be improved by separating the actions, like this:
    Rosea replied. Her eyes were still closed. She was focused on channeling her energy into Rylie.
    (Note: The period after "Rosea replied." is essential. Otherwise, it becomes a run-on sentence. The second part is optional - a matter of preference. :) )
    Choosing more specific verbs can help you rely on adverbs (and adjectives) less. I like to have a tab open to thesaurus.com in my browser when I'm writing. Take, for example, this passage:
    The countess paused at this line as the air caught in Rosea’s throat sticking firmly there as the countess’ grin widened slightly before continuing.
    First, let's separate some actions so things are clearer.
    The countess paused at this line. The air caught in Rosea's throat, sticking firmly there. The countess' grin widened slightly before she continued.
    Ask yourself, is there anything superfluous in this passage? If I take something out, will I be getting the same image? For example, if air is caught in your throat, does the reader need to be told that it's stuck firmly there? Is there a better way to describe this feeling, such as using an imaginative simile?

    4. Things do feel a bit rushed. I'm not sure how to remedy this though. Maybe using a bit of in medias res and some flashbacks could help the pacing in the future?

    I can't believe you are a novice! Those were excellent observations. I will definitely use these suggestions! :)
  • MadameLeeMadameLee Posts: 31,910 Member
    Exactly how could Henry start talking to Jane when she's visiting Hannah in the hospital? I guess he couild start asking why Jane is there in the hospital?
    kikWQMd.jpg
  • CathyTeaCathyTea Posts: 22,851 Member
    MadameLee wrote: »
    Exactly how could Henry start talking to Jane when she's visiting Hannah in the hospital? I guess he couild start asking why Jane is there in the hospital?

    That sounds realistic!
    Cathy Tea's SimLit Anthology

    Dragon Name: Hywicoes | House: Ravenclaw | Wand: Dogwood, Unicorn hair 11 ¼" , Suprisingly Swishy
  • MadameLeeMadameLee Posts: 31,910 Member
    why would Jane be reading her twin's diary after (incident)?
    kikWQMd.jpg
  • friendsfan367friendsfan367 Posts: 27,743 Member
    MadameLee wrote: »
    why would Jane be reading her twin's diary after (incident)?

    because sibling can be nosey.
  • MadameLeeMadameLee Posts: 31,910 Member
    MadameLee wrote: »
    why would Jane be reading her twin's diary after (incident)?

    because sibling can be nosey.

    this has nothing to do about being nosiy but Jane discovered her twin lying unconscious in the bathroom of their home and she knows about at least one rumour at the school. Her twin is current in the hospital but Jane's is basically "being Clay" from (book/show I wouldn't name here).
    kikWQMd.jpg
  • MadameLeeMadameLee Posts: 31,910 Member
    still need my queston answered
    kikWQMd.jpg
  • InfraGreenInfraGreen Posts: 6,454 Member
    Wouldn't it be obvious that she'd want to find answers as to why that happened? It's the same reason everyone is fascinated with suicide notes (even if Jane's still alive). Or malicious secret-finding. :p

    Part of writing is finding out answers to a lot of these questions yourself though. I trust myself first and leave only the toughest decisions to others (and thanks for the advice on my last question of course!). Then my story feels like my own.
    A thousand bared teeth, a thousand bowed heads

    outrun / blog / tunglr
  • MadameLeeMadameLee Posts: 31,910 Member
    edited October 2017
    InfraGreen wrote: »
    Wouldn't it be obvious that she'd want to find answers as to why that happened? It's the same reason everyone is fascinated with suicide notes (even if Jane's still alive). Or malicious secret-finding. :p

    Part of writing is finding out answers to a lot of these questions yourself though. I trust myself first and leave only the toughest decisions to others (and thanks for the advice on my last question of course!). Then my story feels like my own.

    it's Jane's twin who was unconsciousness not Jane. But she (Jane) knows she's partly responsible for what happened. I happened to name the twin Hannah for 2 reasons, ancestor and book reasons Thanks for the answer
    kikWQMd.jpg
  • MadameLeeMadameLee Posts: 31,910 Member
    How do I make it look like Henry cares but without making it look like he's a stalker? I'm going to be writing (chapter that Henry founds out Jane is the mysterious blogger he's fell in love with) first and he's going to be kind of Jane's "Tony"
    kikWQMd.jpg
  • MadameLeeMadameLee Posts: 31,910 Member
    edited October 2017
    in this interlude chapter there are flashbacks and Jane's reactions to them (she's supposedly listening to her twin's story on tapes) and I have this idea that the people before her at least have nightmares about a "nightmare Hannah" right after I post Jane's reaction to the said story (not talked about). The people who haven't (yet) recvied the tapes just either a) just sleep normally or b)just don't show them. The only words here are Taylor Swift's "Look What You Made me Do" song. I just wonder if it will make my blog too "busy"? confusing?
    kikWQMd.jpg
  • CathyTeaCathyTea Posts: 22,851 Member
    MadameLee wrote: »
    in this interlude chapter there are flashbacks and Jane's reactions to them (she's supposedly listening to her twin's story on tapes) and I have this idea that the people before her at least have nightmares about a "nightmare Hannah" right after I post Jane's reaction to the said story (not talked about). The people who haven't (yet) recvied the tapes just either a) just sleep normally or b)just don't show them. The only words here are Taylor Swift's "Look What You Made me Do" song. I just wonder if it will make my blog too "busy"? confusing?

    I think you can make it work. Can you make the pics you use on your blog a little larger, like maybe 660 px wide?

    Also, you could see if you can zoom in closely enough so we can see their expressions while they sleep.

    Then, arranging the pics so that follow in an order that shows the contrasts should work!
    Cathy Tea's SimLit Anthology

    Dragon Name: Hywicoes | House: Ravenclaw | Wand: Dogwood, Unicorn hair 11 ¼" , Suprisingly Swishy
  • MadameLeeMadameLee Posts: 31,910 Member
    CathyTea wrote: »
    MadameLee wrote: »
    in this interlude chapter there are flashbacks and Jane's reactions to them (she's supposedly listening to her twin's story on tapes) and I have this idea that the people before her at least have nightmares about a "nightmare Hannah" right after I post Jane's reaction to the said story (not talked about). The people who haven't (yet) recvied the tapes just either a) just sleep normally or b)just don't show them. The only words here are Taylor Swift's "Look What You Made me Do" song. I just wonder if it will make my blog too "busy"? confusing?

    I think you can make it work. Can you make the pics you use on your blog a little larger, like maybe 660 px wide?

    Also, you could see if you can zoom in closely enough so we can see their expressions while they sleep.

    Then, arranging the pics so that follow in an order that shows the contrasts should work!

    I should have been more specfica remember in the chapters when I show either Carly or America waking up from a bad dream? That's what I'm planning on doing with the Hannah-dreams. I still need to figure out how I will handle Max's (HAM's Clay) dream since he's the one who doesn't belong). I don't think he would ever nightmares..but he wouldn't be able to sleep peacefully either
    kikWQMd.jpg
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