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The Non-Partisan Unicorn Defamation League

The Non-Partisan Unicorn Defamation League.

Sammy Cartwright has thought for too long about the unchecked ever expanding population of Unicorns throughout the known world. The serious population explosion can be traced to the unfettered desire for most humans to collect, and subsequently breed the mystical creatures. These beasts unwittingly coax their human counterparts to feed them and provide them with shelter and love through their near hypnotic powers. Little do the humans know that once the Unicorn population has reached a suitable level, the horse-like magical creatures have greater plans to take over the world … just as easily as they have already swayed human opinion.

Many people see the unicorns as cute and wonderful creatures, but Sammy's thoughts on the matter are simple … “You can put lace on a bowling ball, but it is still a bowling ball.”

It is time to act, and Sammy has the money necessary to combat the Unicorns in public opinion. Her attempts to help the human race regain its sanity, and forever reject the idea of becoming Unicorn Slaves can only be met head-on. It is time for her to put her resources together and establish the Non- Partisan Unicorn Defamation League.

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In a super-secret location, she has built an underground complex, specifically to track the growing population of Unicorns. From this location she will command her assault on the Unicorns through an aggressive campaign to shed light on the unjust actions of the Unicorn community, and the humans that try desperately to cover up their indiscretions. All she needs to do now is assemble a like-minded staff that has not fallen prey to the evil unicorns, and their master plan to take over the world.

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With some people already in the works, Sammy expects to be up and running in no time. Young Agents are encouraged to get to know each other, and their new surroundings. It will be necessary to know their team members in the near future, so it can be quickly recognized if any of them fall under the unfortunate control of the dastardly Unicorn Command.

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Each Agent is required to undergo extensive physical training in preparation for whatever challenges they may encounter in the pursuit of the evil Unicorns and the human handlers. The only thing that is certain, is that humans under the influence of mind control by the Unicorn Command, will do everything humanly possible to deny the beasts' influence over them … and likewise … everything possible to protect their slave-masters.

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Special Agents are also trained in the art of scanning all news channels and police reports for possible Unicorn indiscretions. Far to often these reports are lost in the shuffle and filed away as if nothing happened. The Agents must designate a threat level associated with all reports and compile a database to work from.

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Finally, Sammy is not afraid to put technology and her money to work, as she brings state of art equipment online to assist her efforts and agents. With the ability to teleport to remote locations from the command center, the spread of Unicorn Evil will certainly start to slow. Every attempt will be made to locate the terrible Unicorns, and photograph them in the commission of ills against humans ... that they current have been very effective in hiding from prying eyes.

When asked about her tough stance against Unicorns, and the common desire of most people who have already fallen under their evil spell, Sammy's response is again simple … “To protect or harbor Unicorns in these dangerous times, does nothing more than put your own family at risk. Any idea that Unicorns are harmless, beautiful creatures that only intend to share our lovely world, with no intention of making us their slaves … Is just a bunch of Horse ****.”
I eat pickles on my hamburgers ... MWWAHAHAHAHA

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  • BlackSandBlackSand Posts: 2,074 Member
    edited April 2012
    Meanwhile In Sunset Valley …

    Now Milton Reeves and Earl Whitley have both been retired for quite some time. They often get up early in the morning and meet at the City Park to wrangle a few fish and jaw about who needs to paint their house, or who got caught kissing who behind the Movie Theater. This morning is about like the rest until Earl goes off on a tangent about something his wife heard at her bridge club meeting the night before. Milton is all too familiar with Earl and his crazy ideas about space aliens and government intrusions into our everyday lives. Undoubtedly this morning isn't going to be any different from the looks of things.

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    “Yeah old Milt, “ Earl starts in on the matter, “Beatrice was at her bridge club meeting last night and you will never believe what she found out.”

    “Let me guess,” Earl replies, “ those old hens have finally exposed a secret government project to feed irradiated plutonium pellets to cows in hopes of eliminating the need for pasteurizing milk?”

    “Dang it Milt,” Earl starts in again a little frustrated with Milton poking at him, “This is serious stuff I am talking about, and not some hair brained idea you might come up with … although a process like the one you mentioned may just work; need to look into that.”

    Without giving Milton the chance to steer things away again Earl adds, “Nah, What they heard was that some agency was looking for a place to build a new compound, and that they chose right here in Sunset Valley as the best location. Nobody knows what the agency does, but rumors have it that the building is going to be huge.”

    Still less than convinced that Beatrice's bridge club has a clue about things, Milton is quick to reply. “ My guess is that the agency will be responsible for kidnapping senior citizens and harvesting vital organs. I mean how much sense would that make seeing as my organs are kind of shot already, but I never credit the government with a whole lot of common sense anyway. They rank right up there with … well, maybe a room full of old hens playing cards.”

    “That's not funny Milt,” Earl states. “ Just because your Sally has passed away, and you turned into a crotchety old man, doesn't mean you have to take it out on the rest of society.”

    “Well, I will tell you something that does make sense,” Milton responds trying to change the subject before things get too far below the belt. “Looks like those young folks over there are cooking up some hot dogs, and all this talk about secret agencies is making me hungry.”

    On the way across the park, Earl can't resist the opportunity to keep the conversation on track. He knows Milton pretty well after 40 years of fishing, and although he doesn't like to admit it, Milton is just as big of a gossip hound as any room full of old ladies.

    “It all started when Margret Binning was at the supermarket; you know she is one of those big city types, that up and moved here when it was too unsafe to stay in the big city,” Earl begins. “She won't use any other toilet paper than Charmin, and the store was completely sold out. Margret asked the clerk what happened to the Charmin, and he said that a customer had come in and bought all they had in stock.”

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    “Maybe the mystery customer suffers from irritable bowel syndrome or is a prune Quality Control specialist at the research center,” Milton is quick in trying to explain the situation may not be so grave. “What does toilet paper have to do with secret agency anyway?”

    “Well just slow down there a minute genius,” Earl interrupts to try and explain. “Margret went on to ask the clerk about the toilet paper, and he said not only did the customer buy all of the Charmin, but also bought all the flashlights they had in stock as well. Pretty fishy huh .. when you think about it?”

    Milton just can't help himself and tries to explain that away as well, “ I'll tell what kind of secret agency that is. They are an agency intent on “rolling” the entire town of Sunset Valley in the middle of the night, and have no idea that you can change batteries on flashlights when they get used up.”

    Thinking that Milton is just going to carry on all day, trying to make light of the situation, and without any real proof, Earl stops talking about his theory long enough to choke down a few hotdogs. The only thing the two old men happen to comment on between mustard and buns, is the fact that the young folks in town seem to have started taking their appearance a lot more seriously. They both think that it is kind of refreshing. As they finish off their second dog each, Earl jumps right back in, refreshed and ready to take Milton to task on the matter.

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    “I'm not kidding though Milt,” Earl starts in again, “and there is more to the story. Margret also said she heard something about a weird woman coming into town and buying that vacant beachfront lot over there on Sunnyside. Pete Townsend with the construction company out of Rambin off of Highway 165 also had a bunch of trucks in town the other day, and you know he doesn't get off his rear for anything other than a large build or a decent poker game at the VFW.”

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    “Yep, you're right there Earl,” Milton can't help but agree. Pete was about the most worthless contribution the Townsend family blessed the region with. “Pete is about as useful as a hole in a bucket,” Milton has to add.

    Still not too convinced about the whole thing, Milton has to take another opportunity to poke at his fishing buddy, “ Now that I think about Earl, you might be onto something. This looks like the perfect opportunity for us to give Angela Lansbury a call to get to the bottom of this. The last thing Sunset Valley needs is some outside organization coming in and stealing all of Crumplebottom's glory, or forcing an economic boom down our throats.”

    Earl, beginning to get fed up with Milton's attitude suggests that the Sunnyside Lot mentioned to Margret is not that far away. He also suggests that they could stop by and snoop around on the way over to that decent fishing spot by the Wolfe house. Once they decide it is worth a look, Milton is so pleased to find that no monstrosity of a building was constructed in the dark of night.

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    “Now what did I tell you Earl,” Milton questions when they get there? “There is no huge complex here, and only a small one room shack barely big enough to turn around in. Don't you think that if someone were going to creep into town and establish a secret agency, we would know more about? We are not some grade-school children out on a field trip, but grown men with little time for careless fairy-tales. When are you gonna stop with all this Conspiracy Theory garbage with men in black suits and secret agencies?”

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    “Dang It Milt,” no longer able to control his frustration, Earl responds, “I tell you that there may not be a huge complex here right now, but you just wait and see. You are always making fun of me and my Conspiracy Theories, but this time I am right … We are right!”


    Thanks For Reading ... And More To Come!

    BlackSand

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    I eat pickles on my hamburgers ... MWWAHAHAHAHA
  • BlackSandBlackSand Posts: 2,074 Member
    edited April 2012
    While Milton and Earl are discussing what doesn't exist, Sammy starts to step up the lessons with the Special Agents in Training …



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    The afternoon starts off as usual at NPUDL headquarters. After lunch at the park, Sammy and a few of her trainees are gathering to dig into their tasks for the rest of the day. Most of the afternoon is spent with a seminar on identifying possible recordable events regarding unfortunate unicorn encounters. SAT's (Special Agents in Training) Mashia McBride and Kyle Buckmaster are already hard at work logging in complaints from Twinbrooks and Hidden Springs. Mashia has located a errant police report, that mentions a domestic disturbance between a couple arguing over who's turn it was to exercise their unicorn. Kyle is busy logging in a Code 4 violation regarding a land dispute between two property owners resulting from one man planting a garden on the other man's property, and justifying the actions as “necessary to feed his growing herd of Unicorns.”

    After scanning the records for Bridgeport, SAT Jeremy Hall still can't find anything he would classify as unusual regarding possible Unicorn encounters. Taking advantage of the slow time, Jeremy carelessly decides to check his email. Wandering through the room checking on the progress of her SAT's, Sammy catches Jeremy in the act.

    “Well, young man,” Sammy says in a stern voice, “I hope you are checking your personal email for leads that contribute to the common cause here at NPUDL, and not checking on your sick mother in a nursing home.”

    “Actually I was checking on my mom Miss Cartwright,” Jeremy responds a little sheepishly. “It looks like she will have to check into the hospital this week for surgery.”

    “What about your reports,” Sammy asks rolling her fingers on the desk?

    “Well I looked Miss Cartwright, but there just wasn't anything out of the ordinary as far as Unicorns are concerned in the Greater Bridgeport area,” he is slow to answer with.

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    “WHAT … Nothing out of the ordinary,” Sammy suddenly screams. “Just what would you consider ordinary about Unicorns? I suppose it is the deadly weapon sticking out of their forehead that strikes you as ordinary. I guess the fact that colorful sparkles shoot out of their rear ends falls under the category of perfectly okay?”

    “Uh … Yes Ma'am,” Jeremy stutters. “I guess it's probably a common occurrence that unicorns have horns, and pretty sparkles.”

    “Don't be coy with me recruit. You may not think that sparkles are a big deal, but just wait until you are blinded by them,” Sammy continues. “I should remind you that we just don't know what could happen if those sparkles come into contact with dry underbrush suffering from near drought conditions sometime in the future. When they come asking me just exactly how half of the Tri-State area was burnt to crisp by rampaging Unicorns without us getting ahead of the problem … are you gonna want me to tell them it was all the fault of SAT Jeremy Hall and his sick mother? I don't think so.”

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    “I don't think you are getting the Big Picture here Jeremy,” as Sammy tries to explain. “You and your teammates are the front-line defense against the atrocities we are headed for. You are the only thing that stands between us and a Global Unicorn Uprising that will eventually turn us into nothing more than farmers and stable boys. I am not shoveling **** because you thought it was more important to check on your mother than complete your duties here. I mean how old is she anyway, and you do have life insurance on her don't you?”

    Yes Ma'am, I do, “ Jeremy responds. “I am so sorry I seem to have missed the big picture here, and it won't happen again. In fact, to prove my dedication, I am going to skip Christmas this year just so I can work through, getting a better grip on this Unicorn problem.”

    Later that day in the Workout Facility …

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    SAT's Kayla Frenzy and Hank Justice are getting to know each other a little better after a grueling workout, while SAT Victoria Youngblood and their fearless leader continue on. Kayla is from a small rural town, and frankly overjoyed just to get out of that place. She never has met such interesting people as the other SAT's. Hank on the other hand comes from a long line of law enforcement officers, but still likes the idea of breaking away from the norm, and doing something that obviously has greater impact on the population as a whole. He has never questioned the fact that Unicorns are ruthless and dangerous, but has some suspicions as to why Sammy has taken on this cause.

    “It's so nice meeting you Hank,” Kayla remarks while she thinks to herself how handy a hunk like him would be on the farm.

    “Nice to meet you too Kay,” says Kyle, “and you really put some effort into your workout.”

    “Ah … That's nothing,” She comments, but pleased just the same. “ I am used to bailing hay and storing it every year. I've a head-start on a lot of folks in the program.”

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    “Hey, What do you think about Sammy,” Hank asks. “I mean I don't like Unicorns, but she really hates them … you have any idea what that is about?”

    “Well rumor has it, and I am not sure,” Kayla starts to respond, “that it all goes back to her 12th birthday. The general consensus is that she asked her parents for a pony. Well, they were rich and always trying to out-do the neighbors, so instead of a pony they got her a unicorn.”

    “Oh really,” Hank nods in agreement as it starts to make sense.

    “Yeah, she hated the unicorn, and protested that she just wanted a pony. The harder she tried to persuade her parents that a pony was way better than a unicorn, the more they pressed the foul beast on her. At one point, it was like she thought her parents were under the control of the unicorn. It wasn't long after their worst argument about keeping the unicorn that the animal ate all her Barbies. From that point on … It was WAR!”

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    After clearing up that question for Hank, the two of them decided to soak out the pain in the hot tub. Kayla had no problem getting used to the idea of working with Hank, and just wondered when they would get to do a stakeout together.

    Chow Until The Next Update,

    BlackSand

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    I eat pickles on my hamburgers ... MWWAHAHAHAHA
  • BlackSandBlackSand Posts: 2,074 Member
    edited April 2012
    As the Afternoons Progresses into Evening …

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    Things start to wind down on the first day of serious activity as far as the fledgling NPUDL is concerned. SAT's Kyle and Hank are discussing some things they noticed at the park that morning, while Sammy looks over some purchase orders for more uniforms and accessories. During their conversation, Kyle remarks to Hank about the conversation he overheard between two gentlemen in the park.

    “I tell you, it was almost spooky,” Kyle continues. “These two old guys, I think their names were Earl and Milt, were talking about our operations here in Sunset Valley.”

    “Oh Come On,” Hank remarks with a little disbelief, “There is no way that anyone could know about the NPUDL yet. We are just getting started.”

    Kyle adds, “Nope, no kidding. In fact the two were arguing over whether or not we actually exist. I thought it was kind of funny standing right there with them listening in.”

    Quickly Hank asks, “Does Sammy know about this?”

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    “What am I .. chopped liver,” Sammy says as she stands up and walks around the desk, “I am sitting right here you knuckleheads.”

    “Then I guess you heard us,” Hank is quick to agree.

    Kyle feels the need to reassure his boss with, “It's really nothing Miss Cartwright, and those two geezers really didn't know anything from what I heard. Like I said, they were arguing about us to start with.”

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    Facing the fact that NPUDL has not even achieved good footing yet, much less prepared the appropriate database of evidence to work from, Sammy stops them with, “Whoa there recruits, you are getting way too far ahead of us. There is no way we can risk any word of our operations getting out right now. Shoot, I haven't even received the complete background checks for you people. For all I know, the office's Open Bar policy may set me up for a Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor felony charge.”

    “Oh God,” Hank suddenly interjects, “I was hitting on that Kayla recruit … She's over 18, Huh?”

    Frustrated, Sammy dismisses Hank's concerns, “I am not worried about your indiscretions with other staff members Hank … I am worried about a Global Unicorn Uprising the magnitude of which we have never imagined.”

    Steadying herself some, Sammy adds, “It is crucial we keep our operations under wraps until we have complied enough information to meet certain objection in the Press.”

    “What do you suggest,” Kyle asks?

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    Hank, having a law enforcement background is quick to interject again. He indicates that a interview with the two men to find out what they know is already imperative. Suspicious that being approached by someone like himself or Kyle, he quickly decides that Sammy will be the best candidate between them. He also thinks that her being a woman might keep them off their guard long enough for her to get to the base of their knowledge about the program.

    “One thing else Sammy,” as he continues his instructions. “These two guys are locals, and not to be taken lightly. If there is one thing that I have learned about interviewing a suspect, witness, personal hairdresser, prospective gastro-entomologist … or whatever … you have to meet them on their level. You show up in that suit and they will smell that coming a mile away. You are going to have to dress down a little and blend in.”

    Sammy is eager and quickly responds, “Hey, you don't have to worry about me there. I am a master of disguise and blending in is my middle name … or would that be names … nevermind. I want you two covering me though when I go to talk to them, just in case we need to use the chloroform and a panel van to clean this up.”

    Once they agree on the meet, and SAT Youngblood locates Earl and Milton, Sammy quickly assembles her disguise and heads of to the City Park.

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    When Sammy arrives at the park, Hank and Kyle are already in place, but having a serious discussion concerning fried chicken. Although it has already been settled that Kentucky Fried is far better than Southern Classic in both of their opinions, it is still a toss-up as to which piece of chicken is the best. Hank, siding with the Colonel, is adamant the wing is the best piece, but Kyle is just as positive the leg tops the list.

    Meanwhile, Sammy spots the marks, and moves in. She approaches Milton first, and he seems to be more than willing to entertain a short conversation with her.

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    “What can I do for you Ma'am, although I hope it requires I make a trip to the drugstore,” Milton asks.

    Sammy thought about a cover story on the way over, “Yes Sir, well I am a reporter for The Sunset Valley Tribune that is just getting started. In fact we are looking for the kind of story that will jump out and get everyone's attention right off the bat.”

    Surprised, Milton says, “That's great, a paper here in Sunset Valley. I have a parrot and I'm always looking for cheap cage liner.”

    Sammy ignores his comment and keeps going, “Well sir, that is nice, but rumors around town have it that you or your friend here might have the scoop on a new business moving into town, or something like that.”

    Milton hesitantly replies, “I think Earl called it more of a Secret Agency than a business, and he seems to be more informed on the matter. Maybe you should ask him.”

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    As Earl breaks away from his fishing to join the conversation, he thinks to himself … Dang it, I haven't seen a woman like that since my Marine days back in Vietnam. If Beatrice catches me talking to her, I am sleeping on the couch for a month … no doubt.

    After a little bit of coaxing, Earl decides he will entertain Milton's new friend, “Well yes indeed miss, I take it from some very reliable sources that there is in fact a secret government agency looking at moving into our little town. It isn't that far of a stretch to see why, understanding that we already have a military base here.”

    Milton tries hard not bust out laughing about Earl's “very reliable sources”.

    “So,” Sammy questions further, “You say this is a government agency settling here, and not some private organization?”

    Earl has to think for a second, but comes up with, “My sources really didn't identify who was running the show, but I assumed it would be the government considering the scale of the proposed operation.”

    Sammy questions again, “Is it safe to say that you have no idea what this agency will actually be doing. I mean nothing like investigating unusual Unicorn activities or anything?”

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    Neither Earl nor Milton can hold back laughter at this point.

    “Pfft ...” Milton snorts, “Unicorns … smoking daisies darling, what the heck do Unicorns have to do with anything?”

    Earl pipes in with, “Nope lady, no Unicorns, but you wouldn't have any more of that stuff you are smoking would you?”

    Milton can't help himself, and starts poking at her a little too, “ As much as I hate to agree with Earl, and I really do hate to, I am in the same camp with him here. Let me guess, since you are too young for your parents to have been at Woodstock, I am thinking they still must have been part of a secret government test looking into the long-term affects of LSD on offspring.”

    Both men get a good laugh out, before they notice Sammy's face changing.

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    Sammy suddenly loses her temper with them, “Oh, so you think Unicorns are safe or even silly? We will just see what you think when your grandchildren are toting 90 pound bails of hay all day. We will see how funny you think it is when your grand-daughter has to pry her favorite Malibu Barbie from the vicious jaws of a hateful beast, only to find her treasured doll mangled to shreds.”

    Both shocked, Earl starts thinking about abduction stories while Milton tries to abate the woman's fury, “Honestly lady, we didn't hear anything about unicorns. Hell, I only heard about the voodoo stuff from Earl, so don't take it out on me.”

    Disgusted, but satisfied she wasn't going to have to use the panel van, or contact the Cuban interrogator to find out exactly what they do know … Sammy storms off before she gets in deeper.

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    Once she leaves Milton and Earl look a little puzzled at each other for a few moments. It doesn't take long for Milton to start finally seeing some light in Earl's story. I mean it has always been no big deal when Earl is talking about stuff you can hear on any late night talk radio show, but this was all starting to settle a little closer to home. Although he doubts the truth has anything to do with what the reporter was questioning him about, he suddenly feels the urge to start getting to the bottom of this mystery. Too many people are coming out of the woodwork, and although there are few similarities in their stories, they all have a common thread.

    There are big things in store for Sunset Valley.

    Thanks again for your time, and Good Luck with your own Endeavors,

    BlackSand

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    Post edited by Unknown User on
    I eat pickles on my hamburgers ... MWWAHAHAHAHA
  • mypalsim1mypalsim1 Posts: 4,282 Member
    edited April 2012
    Very nice, very nice. :)

    I had to find my box of tissues I was laughing so hard. Good ab workout! :D

    Keep it going!
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