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Joke Thread

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  • GizmoGaming64GizmoGaming64 Posts: 470 Member
    2 atoms are talking, one says "i think i just lost an electron..." the other says "are you sure?" the first one replies "im positive!" :tongue:
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  • MMXMMX Posts: 4,426 Member
    These T-shirts were tested on animals.

    They didn't fit.
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  • GizmoGaming64GizmoGaming64 Posts: 470 Member
    why did the skeleton want friends?

    because he was bonely...
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  • GizmoGaming64GizmoGaming64 Posts: 470 Member
    and the lord said to john, "come forth and you will receive eternal life"...

    but, john came fifth, and won a toaster... soo
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  • Bo_DummyBo_Dummy Posts: 2,243 Member
    An old women was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.
    During her court appearance the judge asked the lady "Tell me why did you steal the peaches?" to which the old lady replied, "Your honor I was very hungry because my husband and I have no money to eat".
    The judge then asked the old lady "How many peaches were in the can?"
    "Six" she replied.
    "Ok i'm going to give you one day in prison for each peach."
    All of a sudden, the wife's husband stood up and objected the judge's ruling.
    "Your honor I have to admit, last week she stole a can of peas".
  • pink0chidpink0chid Posts: 59 Member
    Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it's just people watching.
  • pink0chidpink0chid Posts: 59 Member
    I'm not athletic. I gave up sports early. My last bungee jump was birth.
  • pink0chidpink0chid Posts: 59 Member
    Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
  • pink0chidpink0chid Posts: 59 Member
    My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
  • pink0chidpink0chid Posts: 59 Member
    What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
    -
    Snowballs.
  • pink0chidpink0chid Posts: 59 Member
    I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?
  • pink0chidpink0chid Posts: 59 Member
    Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"

    Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."
  • pink0chidpink0chid Posts: 59 Member
    After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.
  • pink0chidpink0chid Posts: 59 Member
    I wanted to grow my own food but I couldn’t get bacon seeds anywhere.
  • pink0chidpink0chid Posts: 59 Member
    I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.
  • pink0chidpink0chid Posts: 59 Member
    How do you tell that a crab is drunk? It walks forwards.
  • pink0chidpink0chid Posts: 59 Member
    Why do cows wear bells?

    Their horns don’t work.
  • pink0chidpink0chid Posts: 59 Member
    They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But come on –
    the prices are way too high, plus I haven’t had a barbecue in months.
  • MMXMMX Posts: 4,426 Member
    Coworker #1: What's for lunch?
    Coworker #2: Food, obviously.
    Coworker #1: I mean what are you having?
    Coworker #2: Unwanted attention.
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  • MMXMMX Posts: 4,426 Member
    edited August 2016
    Wife: He spends too much time doing pointless stuff.
    Therapist: Is this true?
    Husband: Hey, teaching a dog how to use a throwing knife is not pointless!
    Post edited by MMX on
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  • Bo_DummyBo_Dummy Posts: 2,243 Member
    Q: What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
    A: You wanna pizza me?
  • Bo_DummyBo_Dummy Posts: 2,243 Member
    Teacher: Define procrastination.
    Me: I'll tell you tomorrow.
  • TheDismalSimmerTheDismalSimmer Posts: 656 Member
    Two scientists walk into a bar
    The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O too.”

    Then he dies.
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  • MMXMMX Posts: 4,426 Member
    How did the baby learn to walk?

    Step by step.
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