Ok, here we go, @CathyTea. I'm not sure if I should have read everyone's responses before I make my own, but I didn't. Maybe that's a good thing? I don't know.
1. Do you get drawn into this world (and mood) as you read this story? If so, at what point in the story did you find yourself "in it"? And, at what points did you pop out of the world of the story? What, in your view, caused you to pop out?
World, no. Mood, sure. The mood for me was solidified when Nancy finally replied in the phone conversation. I was like, "Oh! So it's like that, is it?"
If you didn't get drawn in, what do you feel prevented you from entering this world? What specific changes or shifts do you suggest that would allow you to let yourself enter this world as a reader?
It was hard for me to visualize this world. I'm not sure if it's just because I'm not familiar with desert landscapes (I had to look up what Finger Rock was) or something else. Whatever it was, I felt like the scene was already set and I should have known what I was "looking" at. After reading the whole thing, I saw that the same scene is referenced a few times, so it had to be important. Maybe spend a bit more time describing it? I never actually saw it in my mind, but I could see the purple shadows though.
2. What are your feelings towards the characters in this chapter? Do any seem unbelievable? If so, why? As much as possible, describe what led towards your feelings about these characters.
Nancy is interesting to me. In the previous chapter, I gathered that Nancy probably still loved Geoffrey and may be a bit jealous of Clarissa. That definitely carried over into this chapter in the phone conversation very well. I could totally hear the disdain in her voice when she was reiterating the arrangements. But yet, she's in a relationship with someone that I assume she's happy with although I don't actually know that. I just wonder why she would still be harboring those kinds of feelings. But, I've never been in this situation before, so of course I wouldn't be able to identify with it.
Geoffrey is Geoffrey lol. I've never played with him in my life, but I know exactly who he is. I'm just wondering why he wouldn't be communicating with Malcolm.
Malcolm seems like the typical teen with an attitude.
Clarissa...I'm not gonna say that I think her character is unbelievable because I know there are real people out there like her. However, I don't understand those people, and their behavior to me is unbelievable when I see it. She leaves me asking a lot of questions, and most of them I can sum up into one question: why do you care? But, like I said, it's not a problem with her. It's a problem with me.
3. What seems to be the theme of this chapter? Can you see that theme being carried out and explored in a novel-length work?
Connection. Desired connection. You can explore anything you like in a novel-length work
4. What are the major tensions in this chapter? What potential for resolution is there?
Aww man, there's all kinds of tension here. There's tension between Nancy and Clarissa, Malcolm and Geoffrey, Nancy and Geoffrey, and even Clarissa and herself.
5. What major images stand out? How might these images serve as symbols? What are they symbols of, and how do these symbols connect with the chapter's theme?
The purple shadows could symbolize many things. The way they move can symbolize time, time passing, hidden/uncovered things/feelings.
6. Were there any sentences or phrases that felt awkward or that caused you to pause as a reader? If so, which ones? What suggestions do you have?
"Something about depth, she told herself, and what can’t be seen."
I didn't know if she was thinking this or what it meant. It seemed a bit random to me.
In the third par, one sentence just says "Empty." I know what you meant, but somehow I wanted it to say a bit more than that. It seemed a bit superfluous too.
"...or she could create space for her authentic feelings and proceed from there."
I'm not sure I know what her authentic feelings are still. I mean, after finishing it and reading about how she wants to be friends with Nancy and stuff, I was thinking that cheerfulness and buoyancy were her authentic feelings.
"There was that sharp line, right inside, cutting across her chest."
I assume "that" sharp line is the shadow? Right inside what? The shadow is cutting across the house now? How is it cutting across her chest now?
"Clarissa faced her in every tender moment."
Not sure what this really means. It sounds like either Clarissa had been around Nancy in all her tender moments--but I doubt that--or Nancy had been around in Clarrisa's recent tender moments. Either way, it's unclear.
7. I'd love to hear your general responses: strengths, what might be improved, as well as your personal feelings of engagement and lack thereof.
My favorite line: “You’ll have to ask him,” said Nancy. “Or better yet. Have his father call him for a change.”
It said so much and painted such a picture, but also presented another layer to this story. We weren't aware before that there may have been an issue with Malcolm and Geoffrey.
In the spirit of sparking a discussion, when you say everything is resolved how do you feel about Nancy? Because I'm sat here trying to decipher her apparent bitterness towards Clarissa and maybe I'm reading too much into it but I'm just curious as to how you'd fit that in concerning the tension?
Nancy, to me, seems like someone who likes to be in control, and Clarissa is an anomaly. And I don't think her bitterness is because of Clarissa as much as the situation itself. The wedding was recent and Nancy is the type who will get past that. If nothing else she seems more irritated with Geoffrey than Clarissa herself. She knows that clarissa is a good change of pace for Geoffrey and knows that he still loves her. But let's keep in mind that she's the one who left him, so why would she truly hate Clarissa? She doesn't, Nancy is just an unhappy person who is working through her hurts and Clarissa is trying to get in her bubble. Like Clarissa said it's just the way life goes sometimes.
Nancy, to me, seems like someone who likes to be in control, and Clarissa is an anomaly. And I don't think her bitterness is because of Clarissa as much as the situation itself. The wedding was recent and Nancy is the type who will get past that. If nothing else she seems more irritated with Geoffrey than Clarissa herself. She knows that clarissa is a good change of pace for Geoffrey and knows that he still loves her. But let's keep in mind that she's the one who left him, so why would she truly hate Clarissa? She doesn't, Nancy is just an unhappy person who is working through her hurts and Clarissa is trying to get in her bubble. Like Clarissa said it's just the way life goes sometimes.
Hmm perhaps there is more to Nancy's troubles than first meets the eye. I just can't figure out what those troubles could be, as you say she left Geoffery and has no reason to be bitter towards Clarissa. That said she is, since she isn't so edgy around Bella for example. Although somebody (so sorry I forget who) did say is she on the verge of a midlife crisis, might be it since she is so bothered about how she looks and her ageing.
But she did have a little moment where she didn't like Clarissa's lack of cynicism in the previous chapter... It's all so intriguing!
Hmm perhaps there is more to Nancy's troubles than first meets the eye. I just can't figure out what those troubles could be, as you say she left Geoffery and has no reason to be bitter towards Clarissa. That said she is, since she isn't so edgy around Bella for example. Although somebody (so sorry I forget who) did say is she on the verge of a midlife crisis, might be it since she is so bothered about how she looks and her ageing.
But she did have a little moment where she didn't like Clarissa's lack of cynicism in the previous chapter... It's all so intriguing!
You can't fairly compare Nancy and Bella's relationship with that of Nancy and Clarissa. Bella has been Nancy's best friend for years and both women know each other very well, considering that Bella seems to be one of the few people who believe without reservation that Nancy didn't cheat on Geoffry. Also based on the way the women spend time together they've been hanging out with each other and have been 'items' of male objectification for most of their lives and are finally hitting that stage where they are older and their self worth isn't going to be how many men they can break. Also I can't imagine Nancy being super duper popular or having a lot of 'real' friends. Every time I sat and tried to think of who else would be her friend... there just aren't that many people who are rich, beautiful, and have the same struggles as her so the jealousy from other women would be an issue. And I feel like THAT is where some of her animosity towards Clarissa comes from.
She's used to Geoffry being hers, and now he's not, she doesn't have first dibs on him and he's not going to come running to her at a drop of a hat anymore now that he's found someone else. She could have pushed the topic at the wedding when she wanted a ride home because she had a headache, but she didn't. It shows a sign of self-awareness and more importantly self-respect. Nancy isn't used to being second, but she's getting there. She's bitter, and stand offish to a stranger, and it makes complete sense to me. It's not like Geo asked for Nancy's approval (at least that I remember being discussed, perhaps I missed it), but it's going to take awhile for Nancy to trust this stranger with her family and the man she spent most of her life with.
I may be wrong, but that's just how I feel. I've usually been the one to break up with the men in my life and we've always ended still being friends because the type of friendships that can be built when you spend that much time with someone... you can't just throw those feelings away easily. Nor can you easily accept any person to just step in and know your ex the way you knew them faults and weakness, etc. When she makes the comment about Geoffrey and Malcolm on the phone it felt more of a, 'You don't even know the state of the relationship between my son and his father, you're so naive.' That in and of itself just made me think that Clarissa seriously wasn't thinking about the big picture until she ended up on the phone with Nancy and got a friendly (for all intents and purposes) reality check. Nancy didn't have to be a good person and help Clarissa out by talking to Malcolm. As you can see when you look at the third chapter, he's not the type of person who wants to be bored just anywhere, and he probably would have rejected Clarissa's offer if his mother hadn't spoken to him about it first. Nancy single-handedly removed any and all questions of loyalty and resentment Malcolm would have had going into the situation by showing him that it's okay and that she's fine. Whether Nancy actually is or not is a different matter altogether.
Perhaps I just see it this way because I don't recall Malcolm being at the wedding which would possibly also tie into the relationship between father and son. Though I am really curious to see what CathyTea's thoughts on the matter were as I've probably overanalyzed the life out of her piece, hah. But yeah, that's just how I feel... I've been the Nancy before. It's not fun.
P.S. I do not think that Clarissa is as good of a person as she thinks she is, she's going to be going through a lot in the coming years with this family dynamic... and I think Nancy is going to kinda mentor her through the rough bits. Nancy doesn't seem like the type to let what she sort of sees as a naive helpless child, flounder in the life of the rich and elite without some sort of say so.
@capturedmuse you make some really solid points there and I think we all draw from our own experiences when analysing characters and their motives.
I agree about Clarissa not necessarily being a good person, the shadow imagery made me feel like she has a dark side.
Yup, you're right @Lizzie1234 experience impacts how we interpret things, that's the best part, I think. About reading rather than watching movies.
Yeah I like this, and I like how it can change over time. Having my partner think I was in Geoffrey's position so to speak has just secured my view that not many people think like Clarissa!
The not knowing what CT thinks about all this is killing me.
I can talk tomorrow, right?
I've been under gag-order all day...!
It's actually awesome not to be able to talk, because then I've been able to let my initial responses settle and deepen. This is an amazing experience!
The not knowing what CT thinks about all this is killing me.
I can talk tomorrow, right?
I've been under gag-order all day...!
It's actually awesome not to be able to talk, because then I've been able to let my initial responses settle and deepen. This is an amazing experience!
i still don't know what were worshoping.
It's late and I'm getting ready to head to bed. I'm looking forward to continuing discussing this story with all of you tomorrow.
Before I head off to bed, I wanted first, to thank each of you so sincerely and deeply for your comments. You've answered a lot of questions that I had about this story, and, starting with July, then continuing on through most of you, you've helped me to understand Nancy in an entirely new and crucial way! I'd like to talk more with you about this tomorrow.
For now, before I head off, I just want to share a few insights about Clarissa. In the novel, we'll be learning a lot more about her as we see her through the various other characters. She might be most difficult to understand in the chapters that are told from her perspective, as it sounds like her point of view is close to impenetrable for some of you.
This insight that Muse had about Nancy is central to understanding Clarissa's motivation: "But yeah, that's just how I feel... I've been the Nancy before. It's not fun."
Think of Clarissa as a Sim with the "Good" trait: she cannot stand to see those around her feeling badly--it is actually physically uncomfortable to her.
So she understands that Nancy is feeling pain around not being central in Geoff's life anymore.
Clarissa was there at the wedding when Geoff refused to give Nancy the ride home, and Clarissa knows that he refused Nancy and that he refused her because of Clarissa.
She knows this puts Nancy in a new position, one that's "not fun."
Clarissa feels awkward about that and a little guilty--she doesn't want to usurp Nancy. She wants there to be room for everybody, and she wants everybody to feel happy.
She also can afford to be generous (as in not jealous) because she feels so secure in Geoffrey's love for her. She knows he's devoted to her and that there's room in him to love Nancy most of all and yet still to love her best. She knows that, since Nancy left him and since she, Clarissa, saved him, he will now put her, Clarissa, first.
And she feels a little guilty about this. And also feels a sort of noblesse oblige. She's secure in what she has, so she feels she can share.
It's a little bit patronizing, which she doesn't realize, but which Nancy acutely feels--Nancy is not accustomed to being in a position of being perceived as "in need" of anyone's goodwill or gestures of kindness.
Ok.... more later!
Thank you all so much for giving me so much to think about. Each of your interpretations and responses is spot on! I'm looking forward to talking with you all about this tomorrow!
Hi, all! It's time for a little bit of organizing work for our Writers' Workshop
Please let me know about the following, so that we can keep our sessions on track.
1) Are you participating in this round of feedback? If so, by when does it work well for you to respond to the questions about "Across the Canyon"? Can you do this by Wednesday, or do you need to take until Friday?
The reason I'm asking is because the writer (that would be me!) needs to wait until all the responses are in before I join the conversation. Also, you may want to have time to discuss your views with each other, too.
2) We will have a second piece submitted for this week soon. Will you also be able to provide feedback on that?
3) Would you like to have your work scheduled for receiving feedback? If so, during which week? (Please provide a few options so I can fit everyone in.)
4) Any questions about the process and organization that we need to address? Or any other questions?
Thanks, guys!
1. It seems I missed the boat for Across the Canyon but I will definitely be participating for @capturemuse 's feedback portion of the week.
2. Yes, planning to respond today! (Thursday for me)
3. Yes! And anytime I can be fit in works well for me. Being a house-fiance has its perks.
4. Nope, looking over the thread it seems like everything is pretty organized.
What are your thoughts on the piece as a whole from a reader's perspective?
I thoroughly enjoyed the piece. The fact that it was about a girl gamer got my attention quickly. I used to compete in MLG tourneys so I was rooting for Avery because of that alone.
What do you think of the topic? Overdone? Heavy-handed? Etc.
I think it was a relatable topic for most. Especially since girl gamers are starting to become more of a common place thing. This sort of story is not something I would say is overdone but I definitely appreciate the approach to the subject matter.
Does this type of story need more pictures?
The amount of photos used was sufficient enough to portray the overall picture, if you will. If any addition was to be added perhaps one of Avery and her father together laughing? They had a little cute back and forth there in the beginning.
What can be discerned regarding Avery's personality thus far?
I gathered that Avery is a smart girl, very nerdy (or geeky) and it seemed like she has a hint of a competitive spirit towards the end there. She and her father seem to have a great relationship from what I could see.
Thoughts on writing styles used? I wasn't able to keep it consistent and I'm not sure which is better.
There was consistency in the writing and everything flowed between each transition.
Please help me with my atrocious grammar.
Haha I really saw no grammatical errors, but I often have trouble catching these due to dyslexia.
From what you can see so far which male seems like he'd have the more interesting personality and why?
Hmm define interesting? I would be interested to see Andre, especially with the rumors surrounding his temper.
Does it seem like it should be shorter or longer and why?
I personally enjoyed how the story ended so I anything more would seem like fluff. A second chapter will definitely cover Avery's experience.
Ok! I'm ready to talk more with you about your amazing and super helpful feedback!
Again, I want to thank each of your for your honest responses: you've provided me with some really important keys that will help me as I move forward with this, and these are pieces that I was not able to get on my own.
The first "Ah-ha!" moment I had was when @Julyvee94 wrote:
On the other hand, I didn't like the phone call itself because it seems cruel to me to ask the exwife of your husband to send her son over
This is such an important key for me!
The responses that you each shared about your empathy and understanding of Nancy, and the incomprehensibility of Clarissa, was also incredibly valuable for me.
You see, my perspective is aligned with Clarissa. I get her. I live in her world, and I share her perceptions. I speak her language.
Nancy is the one that I struggle to understand.
When I wrote the first chapter (the one preceding this), my goal in writing it was to develop compassion for Nancy. She was my least favorite pre-made. She seemed so hard and so superficial to me, and I was not satisfied with my feelings of judging or my inability to empathize with her. So I wrote the first chapter in an attempt to explore what it might mean to be her.
I still don't understand her--but I do feel compassion, affection, and tremendous admiration for her now.
When writing this phone conversation, I knew how Nancy would respond. I could hear her response. Yet I didn't understand her anger or why she would feel that Clarissa was inappropriate.
Clarissa anticipated this response--she had decided that it was worth it to her to try to bridge the distance that exists between Malcolm and Geoffrey before Geoffrey becomes an old man, and before Malcolm becomes a young adult--and therefore, independent and possibly inaccessible. She made this call out of love for Geoffrey. She knew that Nancy would respond with anger directed toward her--though she doesn't understand the cause--but because of her love for Geoffrey, she felt it was worth invoking that anger, simply to make an effort to bring the father and son together. This is a battle she has decided to fight.
She has pure intentions--and she assumes that her good intentions will be evident to everyone. She becomes very confused when others attribute manipulation or cruelty to her intentions. Yet, this has been happening to her all her life--so she expects it. If she chooses to enter into a situation like this, she expects that she will somehow muddle it, that her intentions will not be clear to the other, that there will be misunderstandings and hard feelings. If this situation is worth it to her, she will be willing to pay this price.
She is pretty much clueless, though she is highly empathic and so she knows how others feel, even if she is clueless about the cause.
When July presented this insight so clearly and concisely, I was able to understand Nancy's perception and how this would feel like a cruel act.
Clarissa is in a position of power, though she doesn't realize it. And I see how Nancy could feel that Clarissa is flaunting that.
Because I don't have easy access to or understanding of Nancy's perspective (especially when I'm writing from and immersed in Clarissa's perspective), it was very valuable for me to hear how so many of you understood Nancy and felt compassion for her.
Thank you for sharing that!
(I have a few other points that I want to talk more about later!)
Please follow up with clarification, questions, or more discussion! I love all of your insights!
All right! Here are the rest of my responses. Please feel free to follow up with anything--and thanks again so much!
1. July and Jes pointed to a few sentences and fragments that didn't work for them. These sentences are internal dialogue from Clarissa. In each chapter, I'm moving from my third person narrator to the internal dialogue of that chapter's POV character. It's ok with me if the readers don't understand a particular character's internal dialogue, because internal dialogue is very individual and often contains ellipses, at least in nature.
2. @capturedmuse pointed out a few things: she asked if Malcolm's call at the end of the chapter were necessary as it closes that chapter on a note of resolution.
I'm mostly going for ending chapters with minor resolution for this work. I like to see this novel as a suite--with each chapter like a story that could (almost) stand on its own. This might change as the plotlines intertwine more, but when I can pull it off, that's my aim.
Also, as a few of you pointed out, we gain insight into Nancy's good heart when we see that she did speak to Malcolm about the invitation, even though the request angered her. I like to think of Nancy of someone who says no first--out of anger, frustration, or defending boundaries--and who then might reconsider later. I've known a few friends like that! And their ability both to lead with "no" and to reconsider later are traits I appreciate and admire (and sometimes emulate!).
3. Muse also commented on the heavy-handedness with dealing with the symbolism of light and shadow. Yes, this wasn't subtle. In part, this is because I live in the Southwest, and so I know that here, light is the dominant feature of the landscape--it is a constant presence with nothing subtle about it. Also, this is because this is Clarissa's chapter. She lives in the language of symbol--it is her native language, so from her perspective, I want the symbols to become tangible--actual manifested things.
I'll take that under advisement, though, and aim at a lighter symbolic touch in other chapters.
Muse, what did you think of the use of symbols in chapters 1 and 3? Did they also seem heavy-handed?
4. Many of you brought up an inability to understand or comprehend Clarissa's lack of jealousy. I touched upon this a bit in my comment last night. There are lots and lots of contributing factors. Some of these will become evident throughout the novel. And one of them will be addressed in an upcoming chapter (probably just past the halfway point) with Bella acting in a pivotal role.
For now, I'm happy having it be a mystery--part of Clarissa's character that seems incomprehensible. And I don't mind if the reader doesn't feel a lot of affection for Clarissa or isn't able to understand her. That works ok--and even helps to highlight her character somewhat. And, with luck, the readers who don't like Clarissa will be able to like and relate to at least one of the other characters, and will be able to put up with chapters from her POV.
5. Thanks, Rosey, for pointing out the rock. I didn't pay much attention to it in this chapter except as a place for Clarissa to sit (I have a large rock I love to sit on in my garden). Yet as I think about this, I realize it is a very significant symbol for Geoffrey. I will likely include in flashback the scene of moving it there in the chapter I'm drafting now, which is the first from Geoffrey's POV.
6. I know one of you posed a question to me somewhere in your responses, but I can't find it now! Please ask again if you've still got it.
@capturedmuse Finally I got round to this, so sorry for the delay! Feel free to ask for any elaboration/clarification
What are your thoughts on the piece as a whole from a reader's perspective?
I loved it! I think it's a really clever angle and has you wanting more! Avery is wonderful character, she's very well written. The whole piece is written brilliantly
What do you think of the topic? Overdone? Heavy-handed? Etc.
Whether intentional or not, I love this angle of a girl trying to prove herself in a man's world. It's not overdone or like it's trying too hard, which can happen with this kind of theme, it's very well placed. Also this is the first story I've come across with a girl-gamer at the heart of it, that might be me being narrow-minded in my reading of course, but I do think it's unique and you've done it very well.
Does this type of story need more pictures?
I would say yes, merely because I want to see Avery, especially her expression when she read that she was the only female applicant etc and also to see her determination to diversify and destroy
That said, your description is great, I had no trouble picturing Avery at all but I want to see how you made her
What can be discerned regarding Avery's personality thus far?
She's confident and sassy and I love that. But she also has a bit of innocence regarding boys and possibly romance on the whole, which is endearing to say the least. Her intelligence and determination will definitely be her strengths in this series.
Thoughts on writing styles used? I wasn't able to keep it consistent and I'm not sure which is better.
I liked how you interchanged styles for dialogue and the 3rd person narrative, it pulled the reader in much more.
Please help me with my atrocious grammar.
I think your grammar is fine, but there was one sentence "The dark-skinned male was named Joseph Stevens, he’d won a few LAN tournaments and already had a bunch of fans due to his SimTube clips of him gaming and showing off his more mischievous side showing he had talent and charisma." which just seemed too long to me. I would suggest maybe splitting it after 'clips of him gaming' but that's just a thought otherwise it's fantastic!
From what you can see so far which male seems like he'd have the more interesting personality and why?
I think I'd say Joseph Stevens just because his talent and charisma suggest he could be a charmer; sleazy or genuine I don't know. But I think putting him in a room with Avery could be very interesting
Does it seem like it should be shorter or longer and why?
The length seemed perfect to me! It didn't drag on at all but you weren't left too soon.
Also I'd like to add, very well done! I like it as well, awesome title
Hi, everyone! I want to remind you all to submit your comments for capturedmuse 's story tomorrow, if possible, so that we have a day to discuss it before we get next week's readings.
@aroseinbloom and @Lizzie1234 please have your stories ready for us by Monday or Wednesday along with the questions for us to answer.
I'd also like us all to discuss the process on Sunday, so that we can get a feel for how it's working for everybody!
Thanks again for all your thought comments on my work--and if there's anything more we want to say about it, let's wrap it up in the next day or two!
Okay, my story is in Google Docs. I think, as long as you have a link, you should be able to access it just fine. Please let me know if you can't get in for some reason.
My piece is the 3rd episode in my Meets the Eye story. If you click on the link in my signature, you'll find the teaser about the story. I don't really think it matters if you know what's happened so far, since this is really early in the story.
The episode is told through the eyes of a character, Justine. She has a twin, Jacob (Jakey). Her and Iris met a a couple of weeks prior to this episode, but I think there's enough in this piece for you to work with and understand.
Iris is the daughter of a very famous and wealthy man. She is popular and throws a lot of parties. She relocates from city life to Newcrest for unknown reasons, but she is very well known and constantly in the media.
If you're really lost in regards to the plot, let me know and I'll do my best to fill you in, but I believe you'll be able to follow along just fine.
Hello! What a fun story! It really draws me in! I've got a schedule for this afternoon with a few things I've got to get done before the week starts, but if I were to come upon this story, already completed or with at least 15 chapters or so, I'd be tempted to ditch the schedule and read until I'd read it all! It's that engaging!
1) What are your first impressions of Justine?
I'd read an earlier section or two, so I'd already met Justine from Iris's perspective. She seemed a little eager and naive when I met her from Iris's POV.
Meeting her from within her own POV, she seems so completely innocent, trusting, and vulnerable.
I wonder what Iris is trying to get from her. It feels like a set-up. And I just hope she doesn't get hurt too much.
I love that she turns to music. I'm not really sure that she's found her own direction or passion in life. It seems like she did what her mother told her, trying not to cause waves and to get along, and now, it seems as though she's not sure what's next. What's out there, and what does she want?
2) Are you able to see the world through her eyes? If yes, what helps you see it? If not, where do you struggle the most?
Absolutely. In general, the 🐸🐸🐸🐸 and sentence structure really help me see through her eyes. The use of "I mean" did seem a bit too much, though, and began to interrupt my ability to enter her perspective. I'd guess that if we had a third of the "I mean's" then I wouldn't feel that their use brought me out of her voice. And I wonder what other phrase she might use in addition--most of us have a few verbal tics we toss in there.
Also, one thing to consider: is she speaking to someone? Telling a story years later? Is it a journal? We don't need to know as readers, but having that context in the back of your mind can help to determine what 🐸🐸🐸🐸 she'd use.
Another strength was the selection of details she focused on: we each have our own particular set of details we notice (or don't), so the things she pointed out--the pools, the building restrictions, the interpersonal dynamics, her own feelings, her limited wardrobe--even the brownies--these help us to enter her world and see what's important to her.
3) Do you feel that this piece flows based on Justine and your impression of her? What are its strengths in how it flows? Weaknesses?
It flows! The strengths are in the pacing--what she tells us in summary, what she reveals in scene.
Visually, one interruption I had was with the second screenshot at the bonfire. I wanted to know who these people were, or at least which one was Justine and which was Jakey. Perhaps if we had an earlier screenshot of the two of them talking, when they're first talking with each other, we would be able to identify them in that screenshot, so it wouldn't interrupt the flow of our reading.
I also paused when the story switches to present tense, near the end. I don't think it needs to, does it? The purpose of the present tense switch wasn't clear to me, and I'm not sure if it add more than it detracts.
4) Is Justine's friendship with Iris believable based on what you currently know? If yes, why? If not, what do you feel is missing?
I'm so suspicious of this friendship. The power differential is way off. What is Iris after? What is she trying to get from Justine? And, poor Justine! She has no experience with friendships at all. And friendships are complicated! Especially with someone in a completely different socioeconomic, education, sexual-experience bracket. It feels like, one way or another, Justine is walking into a situation where she will be hurt.
She also seems infatuated with Iris--and no good can come of that!
This makes it really interesting to read. Where I said before that I would binge-read this, abandoning all discipline towards my schedule--this is why. I feel like I can't rest easy until I know what Iris is up to and how Justine navigates this friendship. How will this change Justine? She is, to me, the most compelling character in this novel.
5) What overall feelings do you get from reading this? Does it leave you wondering anything about the character(s)?
I feel really sad, actually. Well, maybe not really. But sad. I can relate to that position of Justine--being the innocent one and aiming for a friendship with someone who's worldly wise, and these friendships have never worked out for me. Two different worlds with no bridges.
So I feel like I'd like to sit down with Justine and say, Look. It's fine to be friendly with your neighbor. But for friends, find someone you can share more with. Find a nice cellist. Play some Haydn duets!
It also engenders this delicious feeling of anticipation! I want to find out what happens! I want to discover Iris's motives.
And Jakey is such a dark horse here. I'm really driven to find out more about him! He reminds me of Shy Guy in the Bachelorette Challenge! LOL!
6) Any issues (major or minor) that you feel take you away from understanding/relating to Justine and her circumstances?
Not really--but here is what I'd like to learn more about (and not necessarily in this chapter--I'd read on to discover):
I'd like to know more about Justine's interest in music. Is it just something she does because it was her mom's idea, or is there something there? Since she turned to her violin when she couldn't find anything to wear in the closet, I'm guessing that she has an internal drive for it.
I'd love if we knew what piece she was playing--it tells so much about a person to know what piece they play, and the way her own brain responds--and her feelings--will be different based on whether she's playing a Bach partita, a Haydn sonata, or a Mendelssohn song without words.
I'm also really intrigued with the relationship with her mother. Her mother seems so experienced--and has a wild girl past, it seems--so I want to understand more about this and how it impacts Justine's relationship with her mom. This is something I'd read on to discover--I don't need more in this chapter.
I'm looking forward to reading more of this piece!
Comments
1. Do you get drawn into this world (and mood) as you read this story? If so, at what point in the story did you find yourself "in it"? And, at what points did you pop out of the world of the story? What, in your view, caused you to pop out?
World, no. Mood, sure. The mood for me was solidified when Nancy finally replied in the phone conversation. I was like, "Oh! So it's like that, is it?"
If you didn't get drawn in, what do you feel prevented you from entering this world? What specific changes or shifts do you suggest that would allow you to let yourself enter this world as a reader?
It was hard for me to visualize this world. I'm not sure if it's just because I'm not familiar with desert landscapes (I had to look up what Finger Rock was) or something else. Whatever it was, I felt like the scene was already set and I should have known what I was "looking" at. After reading the whole thing, I saw that the same scene is referenced a few times, so it had to be important. Maybe spend a bit more time describing it? I never actually saw it in my mind, but I could see the purple shadows though.
2. What are your feelings towards the characters in this chapter? Do any seem unbelievable? If so, why? As much as possible, describe what led towards your feelings about these characters.
Nancy is interesting to me. In the previous chapter, I gathered that Nancy probably still loved Geoffrey and may be a bit jealous of Clarissa. That definitely carried over into this chapter in the phone conversation very well. I could totally hear the disdain in her voice when she was reiterating the arrangements. But yet, she's in a relationship with someone that I assume she's happy with although I don't actually know that. I just wonder why she would still be harboring those kinds of feelings. But, I've never been in this situation before, so of course I wouldn't be able to identify with it.
Geoffrey is Geoffrey lol. I've never played with him in my life, but I know exactly who he is. I'm just wondering why he wouldn't be communicating with Malcolm.
Malcolm seems like the typical teen with an attitude.
Clarissa...I'm not gonna say that I think her character is unbelievable because I know there are real people out there like her. However, I don't understand those people, and their behavior to me is unbelievable when I see it. She leaves me asking a lot of questions, and most of them I can sum up into one question: why do you care? But, like I said, it's not a problem with her. It's a problem with me.
3. What seems to be the theme of this chapter? Can you see that theme being carried out and explored in a novel-length work?
Connection. Desired connection. You can explore anything you like in a novel-length work
4. What are the major tensions in this chapter? What potential for resolution is there?
Aww man, there's all kinds of tension here. There's tension between Nancy and Clarissa, Malcolm and Geoffrey, Nancy and Geoffrey, and even Clarissa and herself.
5. What major images stand out? How might these images serve as symbols? What are they symbols of, and how do these symbols connect with the chapter's theme?
The purple shadows could symbolize many things. The way they move can symbolize time, time passing, hidden/uncovered things/feelings.
6. Were there any sentences or phrases that felt awkward or that caused you to pause as a reader? If so, which ones? What suggestions do you have?
"Something about depth, she told herself, and what can’t be seen."
I didn't know if she was thinking this or what it meant. It seemed a bit random to me.
In the third par, one sentence just says "Empty." I know what you meant, but somehow I wanted it to say a bit more than that. It seemed a bit superfluous too.
"...or she could create space for her authentic feelings and proceed from there."
I'm not sure I know what her authentic feelings are still. I mean, after finishing it and reading about how she wants to be friends with Nancy and stuff, I was thinking that cheerfulness and buoyancy were her authentic feelings.
"There was that sharp line, right inside, cutting across her chest."
I assume "that" sharp line is the shadow? Right inside what? The shadow is cutting across the house now? How is it cutting across her chest now?
"Clarissa faced her in every tender moment."
Not sure what this really means. It sounds like either Clarissa had been around Nancy in all her tender moments--but I doubt that--or Nancy had been around in Clarrisa's recent tender moments. Either way, it's unclear.
7. I'd love to hear your general responses: strengths, what might be improved, as well as your personal feelings of engagement and lack thereof.
My favorite line: “You’ll have to ask him,” said Nancy. “Or better yet. Have his father call him for a change.”
It said so much and painted such a picture, but also presented another layer to this story. We weren't aware before that there may have been an issue with Malcolm and Geoffrey.
Nancy, to me, seems like someone who likes to be in control, and Clarissa is an anomaly. And I don't think her bitterness is because of Clarissa as much as the situation itself. The wedding was recent and Nancy is the type who will get past that. If nothing else she seems more irritated with Geoffrey than Clarissa herself. She knows that clarissa is a good change of pace for Geoffrey and knows that he still loves her. But let's keep in mind that she's the one who left him, so why would she truly hate Clarissa? She doesn't, Nancy is just an unhappy person who is working through her hurts and Clarissa is trying to get in her bubble. Like Clarissa said it's just the way life goes sometimes.
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Hmm perhaps there is more to Nancy's troubles than first meets the eye. I just can't figure out what those troubles could be, as you say she left Geoffery and has no reason to be bitter towards Clarissa. That said she is, since she isn't so edgy around Bella for example. Although somebody (so sorry I forget who) did say is she on the verge of a midlife crisis, might be it since she is so bothered about how she looks and her ageing.
But she did have a little moment where she didn't like Clarissa's lack of cynicism in the previous chapter... It's all so intriguing!
You can't fairly compare Nancy and Bella's relationship with that of Nancy and Clarissa. Bella has been Nancy's best friend for years and both women know each other very well, considering that Bella seems to be one of the few people who believe without reservation that Nancy didn't cheat on Geoffry. Also based on the way the women spend time together they've been hanging out with each other and have been 'items' of male objectification for most of their lives and are finally hitting that stage where they are older and their self worth isn't going to be how many men they can break. Also I can't imagine Nancy being super duper popular or having a lot of 'real' friends. Every time I sat and tried to think of who else would be her friend... there just aren't that many people who are rich, beautiful, and have the same struggles as her so the jealousy from other women would be an issue. And I feel like THAT is where some of her animosity towards Clarissa comes from.
She's used to Geoffry being hers, and now he's not, she doesn't have first dibs on him and he's not going to come running to her at a drop of a hat anymore now that he's found someone else. She could have pushed the topic at the wedding when she wanted a ride home because she had a headache, but she didn't. It shows a sign of self-awareness and more importantly self-respect. Nancy isn't used to being second, but she's getting there. She's bitter, and stand offish to a stranger, and it makes complete sense to me. It's not like Geo asked for Nancy's approval (at least that I remember being discussed, perhaps I missed it), but it's going to take awhile for Nancy to trust this stranger with her family and the man she spent most of her life with.
I may be wrong, but that's just how I feel. I've usually been the one to break up with the men in my life and we've always ended still being friends because the type of friendships that can be built when you spend that much time with someone... you can't just throw those feelings away easily. Nor can you easily accept any person to just step in and know your ex the way you knew them faults and weakness, etc. When she makes the comment about Geoffrey and Malcolm on the phone it felt more of a, 'You don't even know the state of the relationship between my son and his father, you're so naive.' That in and of itself just made me think that Clarissa seriously wasn't thinking about the big picture until she ended up on the phone with Nancy and got a friendly (for all intents and purposes) reality check. Nancy didn't have to be a good person and help Clarissa out by talking to Malcolm. As you can see when you look at the third chapter, he's not the type of person who wants to be bored just anywhere, and he probably would have rejected Clarissa's offer if his mother hadn't spoken to him about it first. Nancy single-handedly removed any and all questions of loyalty and resentment Malcolm would have had going into the situation by showing him that it's okay and that she's fine. Whether Nancy actually is or not is a different matter altogether.
Perhaps I just see it this way because I don't recall Malcolm being at the wedding which would possibly also tie into the relationship between father and son. Though I am really curious to see what CathyTea's thoughts on the matter were as I've probably overanalyzed the life out of her piece, hah. But yeah, that's just how I feel... I've been the Nancy before. It's not fun.
P.S. I do not think that Clarissa is as good of a person as she thinks she is, she's going to be going through a lot in the coming years with this family dynamic... and I think Nancy is going to kinda mentor her through the rough bits. Nancy doesn't seem like the type to let what she sort of sees as a naive helpless child, flounder in the life of the rich and elite without some sort of say so.
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I agree about Clarissa not necessarily being a good person, the shadow imagery made me feel like she has a dark side.
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Yeah I like this, and I like how it can change over time. Having my partner think I was in Geoffrey's position so to speak has just secured my view that not many people think like Clarissa!
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I can talk tomorrow, right?
I've been under gag-order all day...!
It's actually awesome not to be able to talk, because then I've been able to let my initial responses settle and deepen. This is an amazing experience!
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
We're workshopping my piece "Across the Canyon," https://ts4fanfic.wordpress.com/2015/08/13/across-the-canyon/
And @capturedmuse 's story from 8Bit Heart, https://thefourthmuse.wordpress.com/2015/08/19/8bit-heart-chapter-1-diversity/
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
Before I head off to bed, I wanted first, to thank each of you so sincerely and deeply for your comments. You've answered a lot of questions that I had about this story, and, starting with July, then continuing on through most of you, you've helped me to understand Nancy in an entirely new and crucial way! I'd like to talk more with you about this tomorrow.
For now, before I head off, I just want to share a few insights about Clarissa. In the novel, we'll be learning a lot more about her as we see her through the various other characters. She might be most difficult to understand in the chapters that are told from her perspective, as it sounds like her point of view is close to impenetrable for some of you.
This insight that Muse had about Nancy is central to understanding Clarissa's motivation: "But yeah, that's just how I feel... I've been the Nancy before. It's not fun."
Think of Clarissa as a Sim with the "Good" trait: she cannot stand to see those around her feeling badly--it is actually physically uncomfortable to her.
So she understands that Nancy is feeling pain around not being central in Geoff's life anymore.
Clarissa was there at the wedding when Geoff refused to give Nancy the ride home, and Clarissa knows that he refused Nancy and that he refused her because of Clarissa.
She knows this puts Nancy in a new position, one that's "not fun."
Clarissa feels awkward about that and a little guilty--she doesn't want to usurp Nancy. She wants there to be room for everybody, and she wants everybody to feel happy.
She also can afford to be generous (as in not jealous) because she feels so secure in Geoffrey's love for her. She knows he's devoted to her and that there's room in him to love Nancy most of all and yet still to love her best. She knows that, since Nancy left him and since she, Clarissa, saved him, he will now put her, Clarissa, first.
And she feels a little guilty about this. And also feels a sort of noblesse oblige. She's secure in what she has, so she feels she can share.
It's a little bit patronizing, which she doesn't realize, but which Nancy acutely feels--Nancy is not accustomed to being in a position of being perceived as "in need" of anyone's goodwill or gestures of kindness.
Ok.... more later!
Thank you all so much for giving me so much to think about. Each of your interpretations and responses is spot on! I'm looking forward to talking with you all about this tomorrow!
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EDIT:
1. It seems I missed the boat for Across the Canyon but I will definitely be participating for @capturemuse 's feedback portion of the week.
2. Yes, planning to respond today! (Thursday for me)
3. Yes! And anytime I can be fit in works well for me. Being a house-fiance has its perks.
4. Nope, looking over the thread it seems like everything is pretty organized.
Rebuild | Rebuild Vol. 2
And that sounds great, @Lizzie1234.
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What are your thoughts on the piece as a whole from a reader's perspective?
I thoroughly enjoyed the piece. The fact that it was about a girl gamer got my attention quickly. I used to compete in MLG tourneys so I was rooting for Avery because of that alone.
What do you think of the topic? Overdone? Heavy-handed? Etc.
I think it was a relatable topic for most. Especially since girl gamers are starting to become more of a common place thing. This sort of story is not something I would say is overdone but I definitely appreciate the approach to the subject matter.
Does this type of story need more pictures?
The amount of photos used was sufficient enough to portray the overall picture, if you will. If any addition was to be added perhaps one of Avery and her father together laughing? They had a little cute back and forth there in the beginning.
What can be discerned regarding Avery's personality thus far?
I gathered that Avery is a smart girl, very nerdy (or geeky) and it seemed like she has a hint of a competitive spirit towards the end there. She and her father seem to have a great relationship from what I could see.
Thoughts on writing styles used? I wasn't able to keep it consistent and I'm not sure which is better.
There was consistency in the writing and everything flowed between each transition.
Please help me with my atrocious grammar.
Haha I really saw no grammatical errors, but I often have trouble catching these due to dyslexia.
From what you can see so far which male seems like he'd have the more interesting personality and why?
Hmm define interesting? I would be interested to see Andre, especially with the rumors surrounding his temper.
Does it seem like it should be shorter or longer and why?
I personally enjoyed how the story ended so I anything more would seem like fluff. A second chapter will definitely cover Avery's experience.
Rebuild | Rebuild Vol. 2
Again, I want to thank each of your for your honest responses: you've provided me with some really important keys that will help me as I move forward with this, and these are pieces that I was not able to get on my own.
The first "Ah-ha!" moment I had was when @Julyvee94 wrote:
This is such an important key for me!
The responses that you each shared about your empathy and understanding of Nancy, and the incomprehensibility of Clarissa, was also incredibly valuable for me.
You see, my perspective is aligned with Clarissa. I get her. I live in her world, and I share her perceptions. I speak her language.
Nancy is the one that I struggle to understand.
When I wrote the first chapter (the one preceding this), my goal in writing it was to develop compassion for Nancy. She was my least favorite pre-made. She seemed so hard and so superficial to me, and I was not satisfied with my feelings of judging or my inability to empathize with her. So I wrote the first chapter in an attempt to explore what it might mean to be her.
I still don't understand her--but I do feel compassion, affection, and tremendous admiration for her now.
When writing this phone conversation, I knew how Nancy would respond. I could hear her response. Yet I didn't understand her anger or why she would feel that Clarissa was inappropriate.
Clarissa anticipated this response--she had decided that it was worth it to her to try to bridge the distance that exists between Malcolm and Geoffrey before Geoffrey becomes an old man, and before Malcolm becomes a young adult--and therefore, independent and possibly inaccessible. She made this call out of love for Geoffrey. She knew that Nancy would respond with anger directed toward her--though she doesn't understand the cause--but because of her love for Geoffrey, she felt it was worth invoking that anger, simply to make an effort to bring the father and son together. This is a battle she has decided to fight.
She has pure intentions--and she assumes that her good intentions will be evident to everyone. She becomes very confused when others attribute manipulation or cruelty to her intentions. Yet, this has been happening to her all her life--so she expects it. If she chooses to enter into a situation like this, she expects that she will somehow muddle it, that her intentions will not be clear to the other, that there will be misunderstandings and hard feelings. If this situation is worth it to her, she will be willing to pay this price.
She is pretty much clueless, though she is highly empathic and so she knows how others feel, even if she is clueless about the cause.
When July presented this insight so clearly and concisely, I was able to understand Nancy's perception and how this would feel like a cruel act.
Clarissa is in a position of power, though she doesn't realize it. And I see how Nancy could feel that Clarissa is flaunting that.
Because I don't have easy access to or understanding of Nancy's perspective (especially when I'm writing from and immersed in Clarissa's perspective), it was very valuable for me to hear how so many of you understood Nancy and felt compassion for her.
Thank you for sharing that!
(I have a few other points that I want to talk more about later!)
Please follow up with clarification, questions, or more discussion! I love all of your insights!
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
1. July and Jes pointed to a few sentences and fragments that didn't work for them. These sentences are internal dialogue from Clarissa. In each chapter, I'm moving from my third person narrator to the internal dialogue of that chapter's POV character. It's ok with me if the readers don't understand a particular character's internal dialogue, because internal dialogue is very individual and often contains ellipses, at least in nature.
2. @capturedmuse pointed out a few things: she asked if Malcolm's call at the end of the chapter were necessary as it closes that chapter on a note of resolution.
I'm mostly going for ending chapters with minor resolution for this work. I like to see this novel as a suite--with each chapter like a story that could (almost) stand on its own. This might change as the plotlines intertwine more, but when I can pull it off, that's my aim.
Also, as a few of you pointed out, we gain insight into Nancy's good heart when we see that she did speak to Malcolm about the invitation, even though the request angered her. I like to think of Nancy of someone who says no first--out of anger, frustration, or defending boundaries--and who then might reconsider later. I've known a few friends like that! And their ability both to lead with "no" and to reconsider later are traits I appreciate and admire (and sometimes emulate!).
3. Muse also commented on the heavy-handedness with dealing with the symbolism of light and shadow. Yes, this wasn't subtle. In part, this is because I live in the Southwest, and so I know that here, light is the dominant feature of the landscape--it is a constant presence with nothing subtle about it. Also, this is because this is Clarissa's chapter. She lives in the language of symbol--it is her native language, so from her perspective, I want the symbols to become tangible--actual manifested things.
I'll take that under advisement, though, and aim at a lighter symbolic touch in other chapters.
Muse, what did you think of the use of symbols in chapters 1 and 3? Did they also seem heavy-handed?
4. Many of you brought up an inability to understand or comprehend Clarissa's lack of jealousy. I touched upon this a bit in my comment last night. There are lots and lots of contributing factors. Some of these will become evident throughout the novel. And one of them will be addressed in an upcoming chapter (probably just past the halfway point) with Bella acting in a pivotal role.
For now, I'm happy having it be a mystery--part of Clarissa's character that seems incomprehensible. And I don't mind if the reader doesn't feel a lot of affection for Clarissa or isn't able to understand her. That works ok--and even helps to highlight her character somewhat. And, with luck, the readers who don't like Clarissa will be able to like and relate to at least one of the other characters, and will be able to put up with chapters from her POV.
5. Thanks, Rosey, for pointing out the rock. I didn't pay much attention to it in this chapter except as a place for Clarissa to sit (I have a large rock I love to sit on in my garden). Yet as I think about this, I realize it is a very significant symbol for Geoffrey. I will likely include in flashback the scene of moving it there in the chapter I'm drafting now, which is the first from Geoffrey's POV.
6. I know one of you posed a question to me somewhere in your responses, but I can't find it now! Please ask again if you've still got it.
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- What are your thoughts on the piece as a whole from a reader's perspective?
- What do you think of the topic? Overdone? Heavy-handed? Etc.
- Does this type of story need more pictures?
- What can be discerned regarding Avery's personality thus far?
- Thoughts on writing styles used? I wasn't able to keep it consistent and I'm not sure which is better.
- Please help me with my atrocious grammar.
otherwise it's fantastic!
- From what you can see so far which male seems like he'd have the more interesting personality and why?
- Does it seem like it should be shorter or longer and why?
Also I'd like to add, very well done! I like itI loved it! I think it's a really clever angle and has you wanting more! Avery is wonderful character, she's very well written. The whole piece is written brilliantly
Whether intentional or not, I love this angle of a girl trying to prove herself in a man's world. It's not overdone or like it's trying too hard, which can happen with this kind of theme, it's very well placed. Also this is the first story I've come across with a girl-gamer at the heart of it, that might be me being narrow-minded in my reading of course, but I do think it's unique and you've done it very well.
I would say yes, merely because I want to see Avery, especially her expression when she read that she was the only female applicant etc and also to see her determination to diversify and destroy
That said, your description is great, I had no trouble picturing Avery at all but I want to see how you made her
She's confident and sassy and I love that. But she also has a bit of innocence regarding boys and possibly romance on the whole, which is endearing to say the least. Her intelligence and determination will definitely be her strengths in this series.
I liked how you interchanged styles for dialogue and the 3rd person narrative, it pulled the reader in much more.
I think your grammar is fine, but there was one sentence "The dark-skinned male was named Joseph Stevens, he’d won a few LAN tournaments and already had a bunch of fans due to his SimTube clips of him gaming and showing off his more mischievous side showing he had talent and charisma." which just seemed too long to me. I would suggest maybe splitting it after 'clips of him gaming' but that's just a thought
I think I'd say Joseph Stevens just because his talent and charisma suggest he could be a charmer; sleazy or genuine I don't know. But I think putting him in a room with Avery could be very interesting
The length seemed perfect to me! It didn't drag on at all but you weren't left too soon.
@aroseinbloom and @Lizzie1234 please have your stories ready for us by Monday or Wednesday along with the questions for us to answer.
I'd also like us all to discuss the process on Sunday, so that we can get a feel for how it's working for everybody!
Thanks again for all your thought comments on my work--and if there's anything more we want to say about it, let's wrap it up in the next day or two!
Thanks for being a part of this group!
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!
My piece is the 3rd episode in my Meets the Eye story. If you click on the link in my signature, you'll find the teaser about the story. I don't really think it matters if you know what's happened so far, since this is really early in the story.
The episode is told through the eyes of a character, Justine. She has a twin, Jacob (Jakey). Her and Iris met a a couple of weeks prior to this episode, but I think there's enough in this piece for you to work with and understand.
Iris is the daughter of a very famous and wealthy man. She is popular and throws a lot of parties. She relocates from city life to Newcrest for unknown reasons, but she is very well known and constantly in the media.
If you're really lost in regards to the plot, let me know and I'll do my best to fill you in, but I believe you'll be able to follow along just fine.
Okay....
*******
New Neighbor, New Life
1) What are your first impressions of Justine?
2) Are you able to see the world through her eyes? If yes, what helps you see it? If not, where do you struggle the most?
3) Do you feel that this piece flows based on Justine and your impression of her? What are its strengths in how it flows? Weaknesses?
4) Is Justine's friendship with Iris believable based on what you currently know? If yes, why? If not, what do you feel is missing?
5) What overall feelings do you get from reading this? Does it leave you wondering anything about the character(s)?
6) Any issues (major or minor) that you feel take you away from understanding/relating to Justine and her circumstances?
Thanks so much for your feedback! I am looking forward to it!
~Rosey
Discord: #5153
1) What are your first impressions of Justine?
I'd read an earlier section or two, so I'd already met Justine from Iris's perspective. She seemed a little eager and naive when I met her from Iris's POV.
Meeting her from within her own POV, she seems so completely innocent, trusting, and vulnerable.
I wonder what Iris is trying to get from her. It feels like a set-up. And I just hope she doesn't get hurt too much.
I love that she turns to music. I'm not really sure that she's found her own direction or passion in life. It seems like she did what her mother told her, trying not to cause waves and to get along, and now, it seems as though she's not sure what's next. What's out there, and what does she want?
2) Are you able to see the world through her eyes? If yes, what helps you see it? If not, where do you struggle the most?
Absolutely. In general, the 🐸🐸🐸🐸 and sentence structure really help me see through her eyes. The use of "I mean" did seem a bit too much, though, and began to interrupt my ability to enter her perspective. I'd guess that if we had a third of the "I mean's" then I wouldn't feel that their use brought me out of her voice. And I wonder what other phrase she might use in addition--most of us have a few verbal tics we toss in there.
Also, one thing to consider: is she speaking to someone? Telling a story years later? Is it a journal? We don't need to know as readers, but having that context in the back of your mind can help to determine what 🐸🐸🐸🐸 she'd use.
Another strength was the selection of details she focused on: we each have our own particular set of details we notice (or don't), so the things she pointed out--the pools, the building restrictions, the interpersonal dynamics, her own feelings, her limited wardrobe--even the brownies--these help us to enter her world and see what's important to her.
3) Do you feel that this piece flows based on Justine and your impression of her? What are its strengths in how it flows? Weaknesses?
It flows! The strengths are in the pacing--what she tells us in summary, what she reveals in scene.
Visually, one interruption I had was with the second screenshot at the bonfire. I wanted to know who these people were, or at least which one was Justine and which was Jakey. Perhaps if we had an earlier screenshot of the two of them talking, when they're first talking with each other, we would be able to identify them in that screenshot, so it wouldn't interrupt the flow of our reading.
I also paused when the story switches to present tense, near the end. I don't think it needs to, does it? The purpose of the present tense switch wasn't clear to me, and I'm not sure if it add more than it detracts.
4) Is Justine's friendship with Iris believable based on what you currently know? If yes, why? If not, what do you feel is missing?
I'm so suspicious of this friendship. The power differential is way off. What is Iris after? What is she trying to get from Justine? And, poor Justine! She has no experience with friendships at all. And friendships are complicated! Especially with someone in a completely different socioeconomic, education, sexual-experience bracket. It feels like, one way or another, Justine is walking into a situation where she will be hurt.
She also seems infatuated with Iris--and no good can come of that!
This makes it really interesting to read. Where I said before that I would binge-read this, abandoning all discipline towards my schedule--this is why. I feel like I can't rest easy until I know what Iris is up to and how Justine navigates this friendship. How will this change Justine? She is, to me, the most compelling character in this novel.
5) What overall feelings do you get from reading this? Does it leave you wondering anything about the character(s)?
I feel really sad, actually. Well, maybe not really. But sad. I can relate to that position of Justine--being the innocent one and aiming for a friendship with someone who's worldly wise, and these friendships have never worked out for me. Two different worlds with no bridges.
So I feel like I'd like to sit down with Justine and say, Look. It's fine to be friendly with your neighbor. But for friends, find someone you can share more with. Find a nice cellist. Play some Haydn duets!
It also engenders this delicious feeling of anticipation! I want to find out what happens! I want to discover Iris's motives.
And Jakey is such a dark horse here. I'm really driven to find out more about him! He reminds me of Shy Guy in the Bachelorette Challenge! LOL!
6) Any issues (major or minor) that you feel take you away from understanding/relating to Justine and her circumstances?
Not really--but here is what I'd like to learn more about (and not necessarily in this chapter--I'd read on to discover):
I'd like to know more about Justine's interest in music. Is it just something she does because it was her mom's idea, or is there something there? Since she turned to her violin when she couldn't find anything to wear in the closet, I'm guessing that she has an internal drive for it.
I'd love if we knew what piece she was playing--it tells so much about a person to know what piece they play, and the way her own brain responds--and her feelings--will be different based on whether she's playing a Bach partita, a Haydn sonata, or a Mendelssohn song without words.
I'm also really intrigued with the relationship with her mother. Her mother seems so experienced--and has a wild girl past, it seems--so I want to understand more about this and how it impacts Justine's relationship with her mom. This is something I'd read on to discover--I don't need more in this chapter.
I'm looking forward to reading more of this piece!
Do you also play The Elder Scrolls Online? You can find me there as CathyTea, too!